Is filing for D a 180?

[luvmyhubby]

I seem to flip flop a lot now. I was hopeful and sad yesterday after a good weekend being nice to each other. Then this morning he was telling me he was going to have to move. He doesnt have a lot of $ so he was trying to figure out where to etc. Not sure if he was trying to get a reaction out of me or what but i just said okay.

I kinda wanted to say well you could live in your own home but I didnt. If he wanted that then he would have asked and I see that he just doesnt want me. That is okay.. I dont think he is seeing that OW anymore or at least not as much as he was. Doesnt really matter anyhow he did what he did and I have to accept that. Maybe he did that to end our marriage or whatever..
I feel like beating my head against the wall somedays because it seems i cant think about anything else. Ive been so gung-ho about saving my family and it hasnt worked. Not that i am regretting anything especially db'ing because it put me on a track. A track to a new me that I am very proud of.. Healthy and happy..

I think the thing I cant get over is the draw to be near or physically touch someone I love. Im working on moving on as much as I can.. Praying to let go of the burden of trying to save something that someone else has let go of....

Why is this so hard for me? Why cant I just move forward and stop looking back and wanting all of that hurt back?