Aeolian
Yeah it is quite perplexing I couldn't wrap my head around it myself. Here's what it boils down too.

1. She is very interested in women, so much that it has overtaken her interest in men. She says she's not completely lesbian, but feels that she can't focus on guys until she meets her need for girls. (or satiates her curiosity).

2. She says she is very much in love, but finds it hard to get turned on by me. (thus last nights episode).

3. She wants permission to freely and openly pursue OW's for no strings attached sex.

4. She herself is not sure how far she is willing to go with this. By her actions and words sometimes I can tell she is testing herself, to see how far she can really go.

5. Her own willingness and guilt to want an open marriage makes her mistrustful of me. So she feels threatened by me having OW's, while at the same time wanting OW's for herself. Further perpetuating a cycle of mistrust.

6. She demands that if something were to happen I keep it to myself. At the same time she wants my support and acceptance of her OW's. For the record I have NO OW's.

7. This creates further conflict since she thinks it's just a matter of time until I get an OW. Afterall as she says: I have permission. Which makes her feel more undesired, and makes her back away more. Then she realizes what she has done, and convinces herself that surely I am closer to an OW now. The loop keeps feeding itself.

8. She could just ask for my honesty, but doesn't because it would risk finding out that maybe I do(which I don't!!!!!). Or thinks I'd just outright lie to her. (insecurities are very self feeding).

9. Which brings me to what I think is going on. She wants to test the waters, but is afraid of the consequences. I guess I believe that she is setting it up to be able to close the marriage without bringing too much baggage. If she decides to take that route. Afterall it would be very awkward if she ends up not doing anything, and I did a lot. It would be harder to wipe the slate clean.

10. So this is where we are going in circles never really touching the true issues, waiting for something to change in order to bring resolution to this. She has my support and permission to seek OW, yet knows that once she does something pandora's box will be opened.

11. Will she open the box? We dont know. Will either or both of us like what's inside I don't think either of us knows either. Do we want to stay together, yes we do. Is she risking that in order to find herself, yes she is. Ive gotten to the point where I accept that she needs to do this. Whatever the outcome may be. I just hope we can both live with it.