Thanks for the quick responses guys, I actually do let her get it all out before I swoop in to help. I didn't mention that I actually left her alone for 30 mins and didn't say or do anything until she had calmed down.
Anyway the post got cut so here is the whole post in it's entirety. I had planned to do a blow by blow recap of the fight, but have decided instead to focus on the lessons I learned.
After much thinking, that terrible fight in which she threw stuff, and just raged, had nothing to do with me. Afterall the last thing I wanted was to fight. Instead I got baited into it, since she was trying to justify her insecurities. That night she kept asking if I wanted to have sex or leave her for a local girl. I tried every possible way to let her know that I only really want her. Every time she would call it a lie, and say how could you want me when they are so much better looking, and nicer etc etc. Then I'd try to reaffirm to her that she was the one I want. At this point she would just twist my words, to make it sound like I didn't want her.
This continued until she completely lost it, and threw stuff. She then was emotionally overwhelmed and had to cry it out. I picked her up laid her on the couch, got her a pillow, a blanket, and her favorite stuffed animal. The whole time she verbally resisted saying why was I doing all that when it was over. I told her that over or not I still loved her, and would take care of her until I was no longer her husband. She cried some more, I held her until she cell asleep. At this point I went to our room and tossed and turned all night.
The next morning the first thing she said was I'm sorry. She apologized a couple more times, and picked up the stuff she threw. I tried not to make a big deal, but I was still hurt. Since during the fight she asserted multiple times that she could never trust that I actually love her, and didn't believe that I did. The reason it hurt was because it felt that the last 6 months of DBing were for nothing. It also bothered me because I realized this was probably keeping us from getting more intimate.
She tried prodding it out of me throughout the day, until I finally told her I was not mad, but hurt for the reasons stated above. She claimed she didn't remember saying that. I told her she did. We tried not getting into a fight, and moved on.
Later that day yesterday we were at home both being very touchy. I picked her up and carried her to our bed. (she let herself get taken) and tried to initiate. Each time I would she would either change the subject or comment on how ugly or fat she thinks she is. (just to remind everyone she is a 00 Jean size).
Eventually she said she wasn't turned on, she let me touch her and caress her, and even let my hands wonder a little, but would then pull them away, and change the subject, or make derogatory comments about herself. I get the impression, that she may have been close a couple of times, but would consciously or subconsciously shut down. We the talked about her turn ons, which she mentioned women again, and when it comes to guys she said she was only turned on by her favorite singer. I asked what was it that did it? His physique, face, hair, fame? She finally said it was his voice.
I asked her if I should be concerned since she has tickets for his show, and has hung out with the guitarist, and drummer from the band. She laughed and said there was no way it would happen, since the singer himself is ridiculously reclusive, and antisocial. Oh and she also mentioned she was too ugly and fat to have a chance. Far from the truth.
We also talked about how girls keep backing out on her, I'm sure this is weighing heavily on her mind. I was a little frustrated, but we cuddled, and she fell asleep in my arms.
This morning I wanted to read PM for about 15 mins before work. She then said, not this again. I asked what the problem was, she told me she didn't believe in self help books, or therapy, and that it would just lead to me wanting to "talk about it" which would lead to a fight. I then asked what she would like to do. She said she didn't know, but did not want to do that. She said she felt like it always turned into a fight where we each tried to be right no matter what. I was surprised to hear her say this, yet at the same time started to understand why we never got anywhere, she sees this as a contest of wills. I wonder if she refuses sex to assert control over herself and the R.
I then tried telling her, that I did not want for us to be in a sexless marriage. I must have done something right, because the statement didn't anger her. Instead we agreed to try to find the proper time and place to sit down and discuss this. I hope it's not more stalling. I then left for work.
I'm wondering what to do, give her more love and affection in order to gain her trust so she allows herself to be "vulnerable" with me? Separate more in order to break emotional fusion? Wish she was willing to read PM as a lot would benefit her.
Once again, everything is great and sex is causing all the issues.
