Going N/C wish me perseverance/strength

[Queen_of_Swords]

So went through DR again along with "Wednesday's" Chapter of New You in Five Days.

I feel that perhaps my STBX is one of those that when he said he was done, really meant that and he is, and won't be changing his mind.

I did a reassesment of my sitution per DR principles.

Far as I am concerned the improvement in our R is 2 from zero after this length of time. Pretty small when where I want to be is an 8, and I'm most definitely not satisfied.

Yes, there have been small changes, the occasional compliment, the occasional asking me how I am. A few invitations to shared family activities, the lending of a book.

We were married 26 years. Rule of thumb for change is one month for every year of marriage. It's been almost that long since I got the " I'm not happy", July 2009.

There have been many changes on my end. Lots of counseling help from Divorce Busting and this site. Lots of self investigation and behavioural changes I've chosen to make for my own sake as well as my children's.

When I answered the question what might I do or what could change...only things I came up with are: work at becoming more "happy" in H's prescence ( right now I aim for calm and low key.), shut up entirely about my life/activities/work, and file for D myself.

I'll give this going dim/dark/n-c phase another two to three weeks, and see what happens.

But, I'm running out of runway for takeoff here as I see it.

[a girl]

((hugs)) Just remember - it's not just about the R - it's about whatever happens, you coming out of this a better person, with or without him.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I understand your perspective.
I wanted my D busted. That seems pretty remote now.

[Queen_of_Swords]

So far so good. Haven't had much contact at all with STBX.
He texted me yesterday. I ignored it. He then phoned a couple of hours later and just wanted to confirm he had the kids for today as well.
The kids have been gone since Friday afternoon. I've only spoken directly to them in the evening.

This week I have another job interview, and I'm rewriting my living will and will to reflect my wishes without STBX as a consideration or part of any decision making process should I die or become incapacitated.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update -
STBX texted to drop off kids earlier this afternoon. Ignored it. He then phoned my on my cell, I was driving. Returned his call when I got home. He dropped off kids within a half hour. Minimal contact all weekend, I made sure I said bye and hung up first or didn't talk to him the whole weekend.
He stood on the front stoop with the door open, pretty much the whole time. He did invite me to join him (or is it did he invite himself to join me, as it's my weekend for custody with the kids) to see Harry Potter. ( am not reading anything into this, as I believe it was just a matter of convienence not a real wish to have me there. He mentioned our kids told him they wanted to see it with me as I had not seen it either.

I did have to ask him in to discuss banking matters in private for a brief time. That dealt with he then asked me if I had my printer hooked up and working, and offered to make sure it was. I thanked him and said I'd figure it out.

Later I texted to see if he wished me to pick up cut price movie tickets with a membership I have. He said yes, he would make sure I had the money for that.

[~ kd ~]

Just a question, SC...

If you are moving forward with a complete sense of detachment... just letting the D take it's course...

What is the purpose of LRT at this time...?

Would it have been wrong to go to the movies with him and the kids?

I'm just saying, because if D is inevitable and something that you are completely OK with... where's the harm in entering into the "friend" phase with this person you are sharing your kids with...

???

[Queen_of_Swords]

Kaffe this was discussed with my DB counselor. I'm following his lead here. He suggested I go as dim as I can. That's what I'm doing. I'm hurting too much. Seeing him hurts, talking to him hurts, dealing with him period hurts.

I am not ok with D. If he wants he, he will do the heavy lifting. I will not help or hinder. So far he's done diddly.

The movie is planned for next week.

[~ kd ~]

Fair enough. I didn't think you were completely detached, that's why I asked.

Don't do something if it hurts...

well, unless the benefit is greater than the pain of course...

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update -
STBX texted me yesterday, with a "Good Morning" and "money is transferred into the account." I thanked him and texted him about some strange way messenger works. He texted back about work difficulties. I said something to the effect that his employer gets what they pay for and that they should pay him more as he's worth it and not to underestimate his own worth. His response ( I charge what the market will bear) indicated to me that he did not take that well, so I backed right off.

Later I contacted him about a scheduling change with one of the kid's activities, and I mentioned I was tentatively thinking about breaking down his desk and selling it in a garage sale depending on what he wanted and what the kids wanted. Right now my youngest has it made up as a shrine to daddy and Lego and it's been sitting here since he left. It's been a constant reminder of his absence for me. He declined to take it saying I guess you should sell it.

My oldest has already said he doesn't think Dad will ever come back and is ok with the desk being gone. My youngest has hopes.

They both got enthused when I suggested the corner that would be empty could be dedicated as a space for bean bag chairs and a lamp for their reading/ gaming instead of the living room.

Damn, this hard.

[~ kd ~]

Are you ready to let the desk go, yet?

While it may be a sad reminder... is it really something that has to be dealt with at this time? The kids might always hope, in their own silent or non-silent ways...

Just offering that if it isn't somehow... in the way... does it need to go, yet?