H's Sudden Awakening-???

[Albuquerque]

None of alanons principles say to leave the Alcoholic you love in the dust - they dont give advise. They teach you how to live with and love someone who is actively drinking or not. They teach you to have and find compassion for them because its a disease. They teach you, that no matter what you do (even leaving and threatening a D) will have no effect on their alcohlism because its a disease and we and they are powerless over it.

Tipper,

I genuinely hope you find the peace you are searching for. But the quote above, especially the part I bolded, is why I think Alanon/AA is a bunch of whooey. And no, I'm not mincing words, and yes, I realize my position on this may be unpopular. But I will tell you why I think that. I apologize if this offends but I hate to see this type of thinking being so prevalent now a days. Who the heck is responsible for anything then?!

Think about it.

You are told to believe that it is a disease.
So H is a victim. And you are a victim of his disease. And he can't do a damn thing about it. And neither can you. And this is supposed to be all OK. No one is to blame and no one can recover. And meetings are supposed to fix it. ????

I think 25 MLC was spot on Tipper. Your response to his post was nothing but pure rationalizations about your behavior. I hope you wake up and really read what he had to say. Your H has a problem. He is not powerless, he is weak. And you, by supporting his weakness, are doing nothing to fix the situation you keep finding yourself in. I support your efforts to DB. I support your patience with him. I too, know how we often have to deal with MLC behavior that is less than ideal. But we also have to stand for ourselves. And if you do not want to be with a man who has a drinking problem (which I support) then DO NOT be with a man who has a drinking problem.

MLC,
I can not manage his sobriety. But I do have choices of my own. They are:
-He is not going to move back in until I am ready (We already discussed at least two months - since thats how long he was gone this time).

Sounds good. Except there is no mention of NOT moving back if he's still drinking excessively.

-I will not ride with him if he is drunk.

Ok great, but will you call the cops on him in order to protect the lives of the innocent drivers on the roads?! Of all your statements, this one is the one that scares me the most.

-I will not call or pusue him if he is at the bars all week.

What do you define as all week? 2/7 days? 4/7 days? How much time a week does he need to be sober before you'll consider him "good". This is not a boundary, this is a cop out.

-We have our first Marriage counceling appointment set for next wednesday, and he has agreed that we need outside help.

As I've said to many folks, I'm not in favor of MC for MLC nor for substance abuse issues...UNTIL....the MLC or substance abuse issues have been dealt with separately. You can't reason with a drunk, druggie, or MLCer until they are healthy enough for an adult relationship. Yes, that's purely my opinion and others may disagree.

-I am ok with him controlling his drinking (if he ever finds that possible - like his dad does) I can live with that. The Question is just whether or not he will be able to do that.

He will always be in control of his drinking. I'm not sure what you mean by that. He will always be the one to decide whether he wants a drink or not. I agree that having a drinking problem does not mean that you cannot have a single drink once your are recovered. And yes, you are right, the question is whether he will be able to drink responsibly. So where is your boundary here exactly?

-I still go to alanon, and dont forsee myself stopping anytime soon and he is ok with that and happy to see me healing.

Maybe this is harsh but who cares if he is happy to see you healing? He knows the issue is his drinking and he has made virtually no steps towards fixing that issue.

-I will not avoid awkward situations on his behalf; such as hanging with my family or friends. He has allready gone to several of these types of functions with me and things have gone rather smooth.

I'll restate my "if you don't want to be with a man who drinks too much, stop being with a man who drinks too much". Why are you doing so many activities with a broken man and pretending that it's OK?

I've followed your story Tipper. I truly wish you the best. You are a "veteran" here and do not need any lessons on MLC. But we all need a kick in the head every so often to help us see beyond ourselves. I think 25MLC was spot on and I hope you can take some of his words to heart. I'm not usually quite so harsh but his post and your response struck a chord in me and I had to say my peace. I know you're strong and can take this post with the respect and concern in which it was sent.