Oh, and I guess what the MC was saying - or suggesting, really - was that if I were healthier (emotionally) that I probably wouldn't even want this R. Hmm...
First of all, your counselor hasn't seen HIM, and is only getting your side of the story - which we have seen here, may tend to be a bit biased. Be careful of therapists who only tell you what you want to hear.
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What if you are torn about DBing for someone who therapists say is "ambivalent" about relationships and can't give you what you need and doesn't "care enough to do anything about it."
I would hesitate to say he doesn't care enough. He's burned out and exhausted by your mood swings and erratic behavior. Plus he's showing signs of classic depression himself, above and beyond your current situation. So far, when you have actually managed to keep a lid on it, to validate and act in a pleasant reasonable way, he has shown signs of responding in a good way. I'd be willing to bet that if we could blink and all your anger issues were gone and you behaved nicely to him all the time, you might suddenly find out what a pleasant guy he could be. To paraphrase a famous quote: "BE the change you want to see in your relationship"
You don't have to decide today whether the relationship with him is worth saving. It may or may not be in your power to do so anyway. But the spiritual practice of DBing will improve your future interactions with him AND any potential future mates, so just keep doing the work.
As for your mom - she's doing YOU a favor, it is inappropriate for you to be whining that she didn't come early enough or stay late enough. She doesn't owe you.
First of all, your counselor hasn't seen HIM, and is only getting your side of the story - which we have seen here, may tend to be a bit biased. Be careful of therapists who only tell you what you want to hear.
Quote:
What if you are torn about DBing for someone who therapists say is "ambivalent" about relationships and can't give you what you need and doesn't "care enough to do anything about it."
I would hesitate to say he doesn't care enough. He's burned out and exhausted by your mood swings and erratic behavior. Plus he's showing signs of classic depression himself, above and beyond your current situation. So far, when you have actually managed to keep a lid on it, to validate and act in a pleasant reasonable way, he has shown signs of responding in a good way. I'd be willing to bet that if we could blink and all your anger issues were gone and you behaved nicely to him all the time, you might suddenly find out what a pleasant guy he could be. To paraphrase a famous quote: "BE the change you want to see in your relationship"
You don't have to decide today whether the relationship with him is worth saving. It may or may not be in your power to do so anyway. But the spiritual practice of DBing will improve your future interactions with him AND any potential future mates, so just keep doing the work.
As for your mom - she's doing YOU a favor, it is inappropriate for you to be whining that she didn't come early enough or stay late enough. She doesn't owe you.
Yeah, this is where I am. Much as the MC has helped me and given me good insight, I feel like she is saying things like "sounds like you can be good friends" that just don't make sense. I mean, I think she was trying to get me not to focus on if the relationship will work or not right now.
I'm still DBing; this morning was hard, and again I'm not blaming my issues on BF - but this particular issue has been hardest to deal with - working/balancing life/money/budget/childcare/daycare. It's not hard for me. I'm open to talking about it and trying different things. But he has refused to talk to me about it for years and I've struggled on my own with it, and it's not easy. All those issues are tightly wound for us and we need help with them. REGARDLESS of how I behave.
Obviously, my behavior/coping/anger, etc. is what needs to be dealt with from me.
So I'm there.
As for my mom, I think there's a lot of mixed issues there. Yes, she came to help me. But it's the kind of thing where if she doesn't want to help, she should just say so rather than acting passive-aggressive and ignoring me, etc. not telling me when she's coming, coming an hour late (I nearly missed the MC appointment) like just b/c she's helping me, doesn't mean I don't need to know what time she's going to arrive - so I just asked her something when she walked in b/c she came in on the phone with someone and so we couldn't talk to her - and she told me to wait, and I was like, "Mom, sorry I'm just going to be late for this appt. pleaes" and then she ignored me and acted like I was a jerk, and so that's when I went to BF and said he really needs to appreciate what it's like having reliable childcare - for free - 12-14 hours a day.
It's not that I don't appreciate my mom. I do, but I guess I feel stuck - again - b/c I don't even really want to be asking her to help me anymore. It gets too complicated.
I think one of the things I'm struggling with right now that I don't get is how not to take care of everyone else and then get angry.
I mean, I don't, generally - but I'm really not liking my own family right now (my mom, sister, dad) it's like they're all very needy and demand from me and when I have my own crises, it just gets all wonky -
Same with BF - he gets away with saying upsetting stuff to me, etc. etc. and I just do what?
Do I just say "that's not okay with me?" How do you do this work but also not let people treat you like crap?
GM - emotionally taking care of someone. It's rampant in our families.
I guess it just starts with me to get better, but I don't know how to do it with others except maybe just leave things alone right now until I can heal and get better.
I'm doing a lot of work on this tonight - being still. Listening to a friend who sounds a lot like me - and sounds like a victim. Breathing out angry thoughts Writing down different beliefs Thinking about appreciation for people in my life listening to abraham hicks praying
