Although it's not an 'open M' - she is not involved with any OM right now and I choose to believe her past interactions were EA only and of course she only saw it as 'friendship'. So for now, let's remove that from the equation.
Right now, we're essentially living as roommates. It's been that way for years. We haven't had sex in just over 15 months and probably only twice total in the last 24 months. That's the situation she seems to feel 'ok' about and could go on indefinitely, but fears it's not fair to her because she is 'not happy' and feels the kids need to see 'happy parents'.
I'm listening to 'The Road Less Traveled' right now. In the middle of Ch. 2 it talks about the difference between 'romantic love' and 'mature love'. She has no understanding of the difference. Feels that because there's no 'romantic love' present that things should end - that and because of all the resentment she's built up over my years of fight-or-flight responses.
Just wanted to set a little more context. That along with the fact that she does NOT want to be the bad guy in this. That's why when I told her to 'Just go.' She said 'OK', then immediately said 'What? With the kids?' And I said, "Well, I'm not the one breaking up this family." She did NOT like that one bit - immediately blaming me for all the hurt and resentment in her that has built up over the years.
I see now how my role in our dynamic led to our issues. She doesn't see or accept that she plays ANY role in the 'dynamic' - it's all on me. I WISH she would be willing to work on things as I feel we can get through this. She's even said on a few occasions regarding me touching her that she's "just not ready for that yet." And hearing YET to me sounds like there's hope.
With that context - is making a statement like, "I cannot go indefinitely living as roommates, and will have to make some decisions" - something I could/should do?
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
RH24 your plight sounds like mine. I thought too that I could not go on indefinitely. I was assured I could not last 3 months. But I have. Stay the course. But improve yourself. Don't worry about your w. Only worry about what you can control. I am going to re-evaluate my S in December. I didn't think I would hold on this long. But as they say around her it is a marathon.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
How do you feel about the list of Do's & Don'ts I gave you? Are you using it?
Quote:
She's even said on a few occasions regarding me touching her that she's "just not ready for that yet." And hearing YET to me sounds like there's hope.
Well, I know I talk like that, and I know other women who talk like that.....and it's just an effort to stall the H from trying to continue touching. You grasp at the word "yet" as being hope, but more than likely, she didn't want to get into a R talk and decided that was how she would put you on pause.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had been 'following my wife around like a puppy dog' to some extent. Stopping that.
Thanks for the comment on Yet = Hope. Although I thought having a sense of hope was good. It's the expectations that are bad, right?
I'm also getting SO tired of being the first one to say something in the morning. I'm always saying 'Good morning' first and you know, I'm getting tired of always trying to be bright and cheery and getting nothing back. I guess that's just 'par for the course' with where things are right now (and #13 from the list on always being bright and cheerful! But then #15 references 'If you're always the one that starts a conversation....it's not a conversation, but I ALWAYS initiate the 'morning greeting').
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
Sometimes I feel like a "hope buster" but I've seen other LBH's cling that very word (in fact that very sentence) from the WAW. When she said "yet".....the H's would hold out hope based on that one word. I just hate to see you set yourself up for disappointment when she's using a pause button.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
VERY tempted to call W now - she's on her way in to work. I've been giving her a LOT of space the past week and a half. Worried that we can't rebuild a connection without connecting or talking at all.
Would just be calling to say have a nice day and maybe talk a bit about how my day is shaping up to be crazy.
Or I just leave it alone and keep giving her space - feel like she just continues to 'drift away'...
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
