1. I'm still dropping the rope and DBing, and trying to let BF see me as strong to reassure him, etc, despite the incident this morning (though I don't think that that worked against me -) (and it was a very different experience for us - he seemed to try to be "there" for me)
2. I'm trying to understand how to have boundaries with people in my life who are weighing on me. Would have been nice if my sister could have been a support or my dad or my mom or BF's dad or anyone, but when you rely on this set of people, they either act like children, hit you with their own agendas, or it's more trouble than it's worth. So I'm not sure what to do about that right now.
3. I'm working hard to find a nanny for my D. I had wanted to pay $10 per hour, but everyone wants $15 per hour (pretty steep if you ask me - esp b/c D is one very well-behaved kid and she'll be napping part of the day, etc) but maybe I just need to start offering $15. I wish I could involve BF on this right now b/c this is partly his responsibility - but I won't. That just creates other issues. The diff. between $10 an hour and $15 is about $500 per month, so that's significant. BF doesn't want to seem to acknowledge that childcare will cost us upward of $1500 per month. It's "my problem" right?
4. Continue to somehow take care of myself despite my exhaustion.
5. Figure out when to take BF into MC or if I should get rid of my IC and go to the MC as my IC - I really like her and she is taking me where I need to go right now where my old IC seems to be kind of enabling me, and I don't need that right now.
6. Put aside my anger at BF right now - based on what MC said today there's a lot to be angry about and she doesn't even see why I would want to be in an R with him, though I suppose I'm looking at the R as an improved R (that's what I can commit to - or at least a BF who is willing enough to get help) (she had said "he doesn't even care enough to get help") That kind of floored me. Like he thinks so little about his own issues, and is so happy to hide behind mine, he's not even in IC. But the way she talked about his deep ambivalence, made me wonder if he's just always wanted a D and no R and used me. (my fear)
Sigh.
I'm just trying to keep this stuff straight. I kind of went from yesterday feeling like if BF tried to kiss me, I would be open to that and open to reconciling, but now I feel like IDK - I don't want to push him away if he makes any moves toward staying, but I also need for him to know that things need to change.
And I'm not even sure what all his recent behavior means.
