I know I've been writing a TON on here lately, and I still want input on the R convos BF and I had and also on yesterday - but then I have this other update and questions about my family and boundaries.

I don't want to be a victim, and I'm not trying to blame others, but I really can't even see having R's with my family or his right now - although I can, just with better boundaries of my own. It just [censored] that I can't ask them for help of any kind b/c they are all so caught up in their own issues and like the MC said, it comes at a huge price.

It felt good to write this to my dad. If it sounds victimy and blamey- then I won't send it but I feel like this is healing. And I'd write something similar to my sister and my mom and the rest I can't do anything about - BF's family - BF - BF's dad. I just feel like I need to set a boundary with my family and keep doing the work I'm doing. Things will either shift with them or they won't. But I can just give them a heads up. There are plenty of C's out there if they wanted to seek help for themselves:

To my Dad

I'll try to come home Wednesday afternoon - maybe just you and mommy can take her? I don't know if I can go as mommy was supposed to help me on Wednesday and my sitter is here Thursday and Friday and I have deadlines.

I'm going to be honest with you - I mentioned that I'm dealing with a lot right now and I am.

The issues that BF and I face are probably not too much different from most couples with a child, but the biggest one is my working 17 hour days to both care for D so I don't have to put her in daycare (I prefer her with me or family) and then also work to support myself -

I won't get into the details of that arrangement but basically I am tired. I do this so I can have time with D, raise her the way I want (not in daycare) and I also must work.

BF's family is of no help, and that's unfortunately just the way it is right now b/c they are too caught up in their own issues. BF's dad would like to see me put D in daycare, and that's his opinion, not mine. So I don't ask him for anything either.

Mommy "helps" but when mommy helps me sometimes there is the feeling that I am actually now taking care of a second child. And then if I get upset with mommy about anything, I have SISTER on the phone in a new york minute harassing me that I'm "Being mean to mommy"

It gets old.

I'll ask you what I ask of mommy and SISTER at this point (though both of them seem to think I'm talking Chinese).

Everyone in our family, in BF's family and BF included really need to grow up. I've just lost my patience.

If I ask SISTER to do this, well, she doesn't know what that means ... she has too much anxiety and OCD much of the time.

If I ask mommy, then that doesn't make sense to her either b/c mommy sees herself as an angel and a Catholic and "growing up" just doesn't mean a lot.

And if I can define growing up it means - taking care of yourself so that we might all exist together on some realm as a family - immediate, extended, and otherwise.

Not acting like children. Not blaming your anger on someone else. Simple communication. Boundaries. Owning your own ISSUES and emotions. Apologizing when you've done something wrong. Etc.

The basic stuff we try to teach children. Respect, good manners.

If you can't do it in a family, then I don't know where you can.

So it looks like this - I take care of me and my health. If I don't like something someone else is doing I am allowed to say "I don't think I can agree to that right now." And take care of myself and not get angry. "How are you?" And actually mean it. Not "How are you" and by the way here's my agenda.

It's been astonishing to see people's true colors lately. The most important work I have other than financially supporting myself is raising a child in this world. I can't protect her from everything, but I can start asking for people around her to act a little more grown up if they want to be a family of hers.

Because I've spent my life seeking out how to be a better individual - a better human. How to manage anger, cope with emotions, be in a relationship, support myself financially, raise a kid, run a business, and so on and so forth and while I'm better in certain areas than others, at least I can say I take responsibility for myself by seeking help and support and therapy or church or books or exercise or meditation or whatever it takes to keep myself sane.

It doesn't always work. But I am trying, and I simply expect the same from everyone else.

D is my first priority right now. Not taking care of everyone else.