I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

Saturday night was fun. I ended up being the designated driver for a bachelorete party and drove four 30-40 drunk women around.

Downer happened during the event, but it lead to a breakthrough.

Ran into one of the bridesmaids from my wedding years ago. She is XW's friend, not really mine. And she laid into me for how I've been treating XW for the past two years.

She said I need to give up the fantasy that everything will work out. She said XW hates me now and is just putting up with me for the sake of the girls.

Sunday, I went to church. It was the last week of a five-part series on "staying in love" by Andy Stanley. The Stanley part was over. This time it was the church pastor and his wife and they talked about what has worked for them.

Key points. All the stuff they talked about I knew in my head was right, but I didn't really feel any change in my heart. I keep asking myself, if I improve myself and XW doesn't recognize it, what does it matter.

The answer, XW is still the center of my universe and I have to change that. I have to get better for me and my daughters.

Second point, I have to treat XW better for my daughters' sake. They see how I ignore her presence, avoid seeing her when possible and don't say hello or goodbye. They don't say anything, but I'm sure it's doing damage because I'm still damaged from my parents' marriage years ago.

I've really been awful toward her.

So I made a pact with myself to take baby steps.

I will no longer avoid her.

I will make eye contact when I see her.

I will say hello and goodbye.

That's common courtesy. I do this to people I barely know. I can do this with XW and her family.

I got a chance to put it into practice right away. D9 and XW got back from the campground and D9 rode her bike over to go swimming.

She stayed for an hour -- longer than she was supposed to -- so XW rode her bike over to get here.

I got D9 out of the pool and I said hi and looked XW in the eye while she filled me in on their fun weekend. Deep down, it hurt a little. I would have liked to have been with them.

After, D9 wanted me to pick up dinner so I asked if I could. XW said yes. So I got dinner for D9 and myself and a water for XW, who turned down my offer of something to eat, and I took it over to XW's and ate there while D9 showed off her new phone.

I then took the dog for a quick run and D9 escorted me to the car.

It's time to stop playing the victim and punish XW in every small way. Now, I'm not going to give XW money for home repairs or be the babysitter if/when she's out on dates. I'm not ready for that yet. Still, it's a start.