Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Being here on this board has been so helpful for me. I look forward to checking messages here every day.

I have been wanting to give something back...you know, being there for someone else here, since I am getting so much out of it. But reading many of the posts is really stressful for me. I see other people, so many of them, in far more desperate situations than what I *think* I have, and I start to worry - is my marriage a lot worse than I think.

Maybe it is a good thing for me. I have spent so much of my time in the past in denial, avoiding the fact that W has obviously been in a lot of pain, and just taking the time to relax as long as there is no *overt* conflict. Maybe reading this stuff, getting so shocked, is a way of keeping me out of denial, knowing that things could be really bad and knowing that I need to keep working to become the better person, and detaching from W.

W is still kind of all over the map. When we are around others, she sometimes smiles at me, jokes with me, talks to me as though there is nothing wrong. Then, when we get alone, with all the kids in bed, she is kind of flat. Again, I guess this is just the sort of thing I have to learn to get through. In fact, the very fact that I see it as something to struggle through probably shows that I'm still dysfunctionally attached.

But darn it, I love her so much, and I miss her. Still, I think sometimes I have been so focused on "not losing her" that I have missed opportunities to actually love her. So all this stuff forcing me to really work toward more detachment is probably exactly what I needed for years, and *praying* will, in the end, make our marriage better than what I had dreamed of when I was cowering in fear of losing the one I love.

Assuming we survive the cure, as they say.

Two nights ago, W asked me why I had asked if she would ask me about my day, the other night. If anyone recalls, that was my "Step 3." After a long hesitation, I told her about the book (we used to have DB, so she is familiar with it). She asked how I got the idea to start reading the book again, and I really did not recall. Just came to my mind one day, and I googled it, found a list of how to avoid pursuing (I think it was the LRT, although not labeled that way), and once I started seeing some results from that, decided to get the rest of the book. She listened, and her response was very matter of fact, and flat. I don't know what she is thinking, and I guess it is not my business to know. I just hope that I will make real improvements that mean something to her.

Really, she is not threatening D at this time. She is emotionally absent in a way I have never seen before, and in a way she might as well have already left. What I really want is for our marriage to be a source of good for her - I want her to derive joy from our marriage. I figure if that happens, she will be here more than just physically, and we can have intimacy (not just physical) again.

Well, my break is up, and I have a lot of work to do today.

See you later.