I'm coming a bit unhinged here, but hoping to pull it together. Tons of work pressure right now and can't do it b/c I'm so wrapped up in this - just had another meeting with the MC - it was really helpful.
I got up the morning and asked BF to help until 10 when my mom was supposed to get here
Typical of my mom she can't tell me when she's coming, loses her phone, gets here late, is leaving early - and so again it's the feeling that I can't really get what I need- I needed time for me to rest and recuperate but I don't know where to turn to get that right now - clearly not my family. Friends are giving support.
I'm so darn tired right now.
I got into a fight with my mom b/c while she is helping me, I really don't dig her attitude and then ignoring me when I talk to her - so I recognized what I have to go through just to have some help right now and felt myself get angry at BF because I take such amazing care of everyone of my D and everyone else (clearly this has to stop) BF closes the door to his room and worries about nothing - he has dedicated childcare - no one he needs to be accountable to- childcare that is practically free - shows zero appreciation, never has to negotiate to get what he needs - child care is always reliable always dependeable always on time - and by the mother of his child - so no guilt.
So after the argument with my mom, I went into his room and started crying. I said, "I'm just going to say this to you and in a way that is not angry - but you really have had it good these past two years with devoted childcare. Dependable. Never calls out sick, never late."
And then I left. It was good - not what I said - not what I did - but it is an improvement over yelling.
Then I had to print something before going to the therapist. and So I only opened his door a crack so he couldn't see me, and stuck my arm in to grab paper from the printer. He said "what happened" - (rare for him to ask) and I just looked at him and he got up and I went to him and he hugged me, and I just cried into his shoulder.
I felt like I could have kept crying or even raged, but instead, I soothed- and I showed him he could soothe me by sort of stopping crying and just resting in his arms for a few mins. We hugged a long time. He squeezed me really tight.
I said, "I'm so so sorry." and he said, "For what?" and kind of laughed - and I said, "For the anger. I never meant to be so angry."
Then I just pulled myself together and started to leave the room. I said, "This is very very hard on me. I'm doing the best I can to work and take care of our daughter, but no one really has any idea what it's like to do that and it's like I still don't even know what hit me - I said, then you get upset, and everyone turns to you and goes oh look what a crazy maniac Lila is no one tries to help, they just judge you and tell you to go on meds."
I said something else and then I said "I think" after - and he laughed like I was somehow charming. I said, "Why are you laughing?" He said, "You think? You're not really sure?" And he kind of said it like "you're cute" or "you're funny"
So I put a dress on and went to MC - all the time raging at this whole stupid mess of a pathetic excuse for a family system - how I'm the only one in IC out of my parents, his wacko family, my biotch of a sister, and him - and I just thought THAT is why I go to Italy - to get that sense of family and life that is NOT THIS.
(recognizing of course, I gotta change me).
I had a great session with the MC- she def. holds me accountable and doesn't let me not own stuff - but she also said about BF - that he hides behind me.
Like I brought up daycare and how that wasn't the answer for us b/c neither him or I want to do that, but that he'll use it against me sometimes or everyone will just throw it out there to solve stuff, but it solves little - and how ystrday was the first day we left her in the church nursery and it was a big deal and he was really anxious about it and kept looking for signs about whether she had cried and her diaper wasn't on right, etc. And the MC said, "Oh, so you did something different and he couldn't hide behind you anymore, it revealed his feelings."
And that was good to hear - b/c I know the daycare thing is just the tip of the iceberg for HUGE issues for us - and that's one - making me look crazy b/c I want to be home with our D and for the fact that I also have to work but Hiding his wimpy butt behind all that rather than standing up and saying "I want you to be home with her and I value that and will support that." It's like he just abandons me in that -
But anyway, she had a lot of good things to offer but did suggest that the R sounded very over with and that he has deep ambivalence and sounds emotionally immature - and that any woman dealing with him would be enraged as I am but that obviously I have to find new ways of dealing with the feelings of powerlessness - which I talked with her a little about and made me feel better.
I talked with her about my concerns b/c of our last MC and she really addressed that stuff with me.
She kept saying to stay where I am and I'm doing good b/c I'm not doing a one-up thing with him anylonger (the yelling) that temporarily makes me feel better - but which is damaging, and I'm containing myself better.
She said she doesn't see why I stay with him other than that I clearly believe my D is better off in a two-parent household and that she thinks I may want to leave him but really just want to kind of get where I need to be to take care of my D.
I said I did love him and do care about him and find it easier to be with him now that I'm less - uncontained - but that I really need to be heard on some things, etc.
And that it is hard to think about another man in my future b/c it's just so much better being with D and her dad (like yesterday) and also that I entered this wild and wacky world of parenthood with a partner, and that's heartbreaking for me to not have him in the picture -
But she's right, I don't really get a lot from our R - so she was also trying to address that with me at the same time.
I really feel like I wish I could go to her instead of my current IC - who I have been with FOREVER - but I guess I'm reserving her for helping me with BF - though I don't know when I'm going to bring him in there. Not sure what to do about that - and she's away next week.
One thing I talked to her about is his latest thing about wanting to save the world. I didn't update about this last night, but he showed me a photo of a baby in Somalia last night that really upset me - it was weird b/c he kept telling me to LOOK - and I got really upset and turned away and said I can't look. And then he'd narrate and say something upsetting.
Very weird. I just went to bed. But I talked with the MC about his newfound thing with saving the world and how he doesn't care about a motorcyle anymore, what difference does it make - and how he wants to go "make a difference," and I just think all the time HEAL YOURSELF -
She said, "Yep," and that when people need to do that they tend to look outside themselves for -
And I guess I was like that too in my early thirties. Heal yourself and your family and freaking THAT will make a difference in the world, okay? Don't go being gandhi so then everyone can praise you on what a great saint you are-
SO ANNOYING!
Sorry, i'm just really fired up today but actually doing okay with managing the anger. Even my mother today is making is stressful by her being here. So I will have to relent and put my kid somewhere and just freaking take care of me and her and I really don't know how to forgive anyone around that - my sister - my mother (who continues to act like another child that I have to take care of) - BF.
That's where I'm at with my anger - not acting it out; not being irresponsbilbe with it - but just not exactly sure what I'm going to do about it right now in terms of resolving it.
