Waiting to PIECE. No PEACE when waiting

[♪CS♪]

Good to hear from you 9.

[ninelives]

so i picked her up. We all looked very dapper. She looked stunning in her dress. I told her so and she brushed it off and doesnt like when i compliment her looks. We did the memorial with the music, a glitch or two but other wise well done. she commented on how good i looked in my suit. Her brother commented on what a beautiful family when we walked into the church. The same brother that was getting along so well with OM last month when he helped him move some of her stuff from my place. Quick change of tune from him. anyway.

We hung out a little and she did her rounds as one of the family. When it was over, we all went back to her sisters. Then there was a lull before people would come over for a bbq. There was a bike rallly about 30 min that i committed to. I told her I would be back in one hour and she said, please make sure you come back. |I said i would be back in one hour. She texted me while i was gone saying she didnt feel comfortable there without me and to please hurry back. I did, just that. When i came back in one hour, she was gone back to her place for a nap which was ok by me. There wasnt anything really happeninig at this point

I went home and changed and then came back and she was not back yet. She showed up about 10 minutes later and i was just being myself , trying to be a host for the out of towners.\

I had a long talk with her niece who shared our anniversary, which was the next day btw. She told me that I was nuts if i would take her back and so did her other niece by marriage. They both told me she blamed me for everything in our marriage and that she is so unstable that i am a good guy and not to take such a risk on their aunt. BTW, the age difference between the nieces and my w is about 5 years. Anyway, I told them that our marriage was worth one more shot and went on to basically tell them about Db and this site and what it stands for. They seemed to come around to the concept but are both skeptical that their aunt will trully come around and be healthy as my wife.

The rest of the night was challenging as there was the ususal dysfunction with this group. My Bil hates her brother and there was the usual tension between them two and accusations of leeching beer etc. silly stuff to say the least. My Bil then accused my W of taking some of his beer to give to her brother from his fridge. This set her off and she was upset for awhile.\\
I was asked to get some chairs from my boat and good thing i was. \My bilge pump wasnt working and my boat was basically sinking at the marina. I was lucky, asked my BIL to get his truck and then we pulled it out after much bailing.

Got back to memorial and the bil that was helping me was upset that party was still going on. Somebody grabbed a guitar and they were singing, including my wife and i . I was having a decent time, went to my place to grab some booze for the others so BIL would not complain about his booze being decimated. Then BIL wanted everybody gone, I offered my place and my W echoed that and said we should go back to our place. ( not 9's) Freudian slip maybe?

Everybody liked my place as \i just got it cleaned and W was showing off her vines that were doing very well covering the pergola. Her idea. she was treating my place like hers which was ok by me.

Then close to midnight, she had a bit of a meltdown and was cold and a little bitchy. She wanted to leave about 11:54. I said to her , wait for 6 more minutes and she said, why because its our anniversay? I said, yes, that would be nice and she was quiet for a while. She noticed clock at 12:03 and said , happy 18th anniversary and gave me a hug.

Everybody had left by then and it was just me , wife and kids and we took little guy to my bedroom, she came along too and i massaged her for about an hour. She was very recepive to my touches.

I asked her to stay and she said no. Time to go. |I said ok, but it would be nice if you stayed with no excpectations for our anniversary. she said she would stay tomorrow as we would be leaving on monday for southern ontario to visit my parents in the hospital. I said that would be fine and said ok good night and asked for a kiss, ( i know bad move and it was) She said no thanks and gave me a peck on the cheek. I said, now thats not a kiss, one of the lips please and she refused. I know it was silly on my part for that , BAD BAD nine.

I walked her to the van and no kiss further.


Next day, \i did not text her or talk to her. She texted me and wanted to go to her nephews with the group. I said i wasnt sure if i wanted to go. Why not she said. I want to give you some space. Cant we just go as a family. This was all via text.

I drove by her place, she was out front watering and waved me over. I did and we were both quiet. She asked if i was mad at her and i did some more bad DBing. JUst confused i said, whats the big deal about a kiss, i said and immediately regretted it.

She started to cry and said i was pushing her way too much. I apologized and she contiued to cry and said that she wanted to take things more slowly. I agreed. after some nice talk.

We went and had a nice time. He lives on the water and i keep my kayaks there so i went for a nice ride. She came over later to watch our sunday show true blood and we held hands during the entire show and i then massaged her legs throughout. She has fantastic legs. We then went back to our (my room) and i continued with the massages. Youngest son with us the whole time. We talked about our anniversary whether we should in fact count it as our 18th since it was so nuts and she said we were never divorces so it should count.

She stayed the night where i massaged most of the night and we did spoon and had a nice night. In the middle of the night, I got up and slept on the couch but then came back.

I find reporting this to be very tiring so i will complete later. Much more to say.

9

[♪CS♪]

Hey 9

I'm out so I can't say too much at this time.

But this is where everything you have learned really comes into practice. Your realization of what is really important to you. Who you really are.

The drama of the outside world will always exist.

This is where you now stand outside of it. Cool and calm.

Internal peace radiates. Be it. And others will feel it. Will be attracted to it.

Hang in there man.

[ninelives]

So the next morning felt right from my perspective. Im sure her head is spinning in light of what she has just gone through. Now she wakes up in her old bed with her husband beside her. Does she want to run or does this feel right? Only she knows and then does she really.

We lay there for awhile, then i realize that is what we always did, I wake up early and she would sleep in and i would wait for her in hopes of getting some action. So i thought i would change it up,instead, I took the dog and went for a run. It felt good and she was still there when i got back. She wanted coffee and i dont drink it so there wasnt any in the house. I asked her if she wanted some downtown and she said that was an imposition. I said, W, one thing you told me lately is that you didnt feel special, well me going downtown for 5 minutes is nothing. I want to do this, what type to you want.

I did and was back in ten. Really no big deal and it felt great doing LITTLE things for her. I got myself packed and ready to go down south with the boys. We just hung out and we went downstairs and she loved the new floor i put in. She asked if I should get new couches and i told her i could not afford that right now but would in the future. She said she wanted to buy them for me. I refused and she insisted. To me, that is a little hint that she wants to come back. She would not buy me couches for nothing. We talked about how WE would finish the basement etc...

She left and came back with clothes for the kids to pack for our trip to see my parents. While she was in youngest sons room packing, i received some more bad news about my dad having more strokes. I was upset, she asked what was wrong and i said, Ill tell you, I shut the door harder than i intended and looked agitated according to her. I approached her and she cowered and had this look of absolute fear in her face that made me angry bedcause I knew that she thought i was going to hit her in light of how she was just beaten up by her exboyfriend.

I held her and kissed her forehead and told her that I would never hurt her that i would sooner slit my own throat than hurt her. ( poor choice of words i know). She held me while we just sat for awhile. I really felt this loathing for her ex. He has terrorized her. Im glad she felt safe in my arms.

We were going to catch the early ferry but i decided to get a later one in order to spend more time with her. She appreciated that as she did not want us to go but understood that i needed to be there for my parents.

When we did go, she was sad to see us go but she also knew that she had a bunch of nightshifts next week so that there was no point in the kids staying behind and for her to come along.

When we were at the ferry , she texted me a nice message and sent her regrets that she couldnt accompany us.

We got there monday night of July 25. She was texting me often and all positive things.

On Tuesday, she was not as positive and was a little cold. She attributed that to being depressed for her upcoming night shifts and missed us.

She did text me at night about how she wished her ex dead and went into detail how he abused her that night and that she wished he would feel a similar fate. One thing that i was not aware of was that he kneed her in the stomach when she was down and that she lost bladder control and voided her urine because she was so scared. Again this made me angry that he would do such a thing to my angel but I am keeping these emotions under wraps. she talked about us moving away from that small town as she feels she can no longer live there, and I told her all things were possible but to be patient. We cant make rash decision s like that right now.

In the meantime,my parents are very ill. My dad has reverted to child like behaviour and was very nasty to me when I came to see him. Blamed me for the way the nurses treat him and told me to shove my education up my arse. I remanined calm, told him i would return when he would be civil. So i went down a flight to visit my mom on the third floor is waaaaay nicer. I know the stroke has made my dad ornery but he was always a little like that anyway.

I talked at length with my mom about accepting my wife again if we R and she said she would eventually. Long story.

Took my kids later to Toronto to a science center. Had fun and educational. |I was actually selected as a member of the audience to participate in a CSI production and I was a suspect with a wig and hawaiin shirt and a spicolli type demeanor from fast times at ridgemount high. It was fun and both my boys got a huge kick out of it.

I then swung by to pick up my uncle , went back to Woodstock Ont where my dad is and visited some more. He was nice this time and i got him a pizza.

W was not answering text or phone, I was worried about her and kept calling her number and my number as i told her she could stay at my place as it was cooler temp wise and to use the pool when she felt like it.

anyway, i could not get a hold of her unitl about 9 am . I sensed that she was not doing well and she said she had a really rough night. She took more pills than normal and was reall out of it so she didnt hear the phone.

We talked a long time in the morning and she said she really needed me to help her and was very down. missed the kids and wanted to be with us.

Report more later. just having trouble staying focussed on this story. its seems tiring to journal this.

9

[FaithnAK]

Is she getting additional therapy nine? Are you monitoring any of her meds? Have you had a chance to read a book on her condition yet? Can you talk to her doctor/therapist WITH her?

I mean, I'm very glad you are getting along, but I also have a visual of you cuddling with a time bomb. Not an easy feeling.

I'm sorry about your parents. You have a lot on your plate right now. Stay strong and juggle this the best you can. Just throwing out some food for thought.

[Gnosis]

Mr Nine I've skimmed through some of your threads (not all). The last two I read completely.

You sir are PURSUING HER to your own detriment. When you let her be the aggressor and let her do the pursuing you end up getting what you want i.e. sex, love declarations etc, etc. When you turn around and push to give her massages, coffees, declarations of love etc, etc, She runs away and avoids.

Why are you running after her like a puppy dog? What do you INSIST on doing what does NOT work with her?

She has just come out of a dysfunctional relationship.
She has been diagnosed with a mental condition.
She has a pattern of jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another.

All I've read in the past two threads is of you playing Mr Knight in Shining Armor dashing to save his little 'angel'. To top that off you have returned to your 'Mr Nice Guy' behavior.

You are doing her a disservice. Give her plenty of time and space and distance. Let her figure out what she wants. Let her mourn her own mistakes WITHOUT dragging you back into her drama.

If you want her back SHE NEEDS TO PURSUE YOU and you need to give her VERY LITTLE assurance for now. If you don't do that I see your Greek tragedy entering the final act.

[ninelives]

u guys are both right i think. She is a time bomb maybe but i also traces of my wife in there just not long enough to sustain a marriage i fear.

I am making rookie mistakes again and i dont know why. I feel the fear again that i was able to get a handle on earlier. Getting to the point again where I think she wants us together as a family but doesnt really want me as a husband without the package.

I was over there yesterday and she was in her bra and panties getting ready for work and i said she didnt have to cover up, she said that i became angry last time she walked around like that. I wasnt angry, i just said that she should be more aware of the situation and put some clothes on. I think that she thinks i get mad whenever i disagree with her or take a counter position.

She told me that she is very confused and wants to be back as a family but that it will take time. She said that she does love me and never really stopped but she is so effed up.

Talked about her new therapist, who i know fairly well, and that she says that my W is not content unless there is turmoil. That she grew up in the type of environment and only knows drama and turmoil. She went on to say that she has self loathing and perhpas that is why she took up with such a character.

I asked her point blank if she missed him, she hesitated and said no, but i get the sense that she does. I guess that is normal at this stage. I know i shouldnt focus on him but i seem to .

I told her again that I can forgive and that my family can forgive and she started to cry and said she didnt deserve forgiveness. That she didnt deserve my love and that I should be loved. She says she wants to make me happy but doesnt know how.

It was getting rather heavy. I told her that i was going to go ( i showed up on my bike) and said i would just need a minute to adjust my shorts in order to ride. She said, jokingly, why do you have a hard on or something. And she looked at me and started to laugh.

Yes , i desired her totally at that point, she was walking around in bra and panties for gods sake and she looked so beautiful so maybe something did come up.

Embarassed to say, I took care of that problem by myself as she watched. I guess i can say anytHing on this board and since that is the truth, thats what happenend.

I was embarassed afterwards and said that I needed psychiatric help, she laughed and said not to worry , that she didnt think less of me and knows that I have a strong sexual appetite for her. She gave me a tissue and continued to get ready for work.

bTW, its nothing that we havent done before but in that circumstance, we were solidly married. I did feel like I made a huge mistake with that and did feel ashamed.

We talked some more and again, I got the sense that she is missing the OM on some level. SHe had to get to work and I got on my bike and rode for awhile.

there were fireworks in our town later that night and i texted her and said that i needed to get away for awhile and clear my head. That i was sorry for what happened today and that i really need to figure out what i want. I said that we should just hang out with the kids and do some things together and apart.

she said she wanted to do things together very much and questioned what type of things we should do apart.

I said i didnt know, just things and that i didnt know what to expect anymore.

She said she should just move the hell away. ( turned quick)

then later while the fireworks where on she texted and asked if we were having a good time. I said we were and wished she was here with us as we watched this so many times together.

she said she wished she was there as well so badly. Said she missed us and wanted to be with us.

We talked nice for a few more texts.

I know I am persuing and im pretty sure that is not the way to go. I do want to show her that I can be NICER than OM and that I did miss her and want to make up for some of my shortcomings from before.

She mentioned again going away together next weekedn with the kids to her parents hometown.

Thats were we are at right now. I have neglected to say a lot of the little back and forths between us but hat is the gernal idea.

You are right Gnosis, i am persuing to some degree but am nervous that she will regret her decision to leave OM if I m not nice.

9

[♪CS♪]

i am persuing to some degree

I am no expert.

But yankin' it in front of her may be more than "some degree."

[Denver_2010]

i am persuing to some degree

I am no expert.

But yankin' it in front of her may be more than "some degree."

LOL... Agreed.

9 - Don't make the same mistake that I have. Let her pursue you. Keep doing the things that were working before the big change. I understand that you worry that she will regret leaving OM. That was my fear as well. Let me tell you my friend, if that is going to happen, it is going to happen. You can be nice and not pursue. That is what I suggest.

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

i really hesitated to post that as it makes me sound like a degenerate and i felt like i was. I need therapy in that dept. I just wanted to drop off her dinner and go and then all that shite happened. I dont know why the hell that happened but it did. EFF. What the hell?

back to square one. We did talk very nice later and she did say dont sweat that, we've done that before and i know that you have needs. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

9