Haven't posted in a few days... Feeling really down today. H took our little ones away to a cottage for the weekend with a bunch of friends from work (and their families). Saturday was good, I did errands all day and then had a girls night. Yesterday was okay - spent most of the day napping here and there and recovering from a very late night. Today, however, I am sad. I have been trying to force myself not to think about all the family fun MY family is having this weekend without me. This is the first time ever that he's taken the kids for more than one night, so I guess I just have to get used to it. I've been letting my mind wander too much today and for some reason all these great memories keep hitting me today. I've been pretty good at not dwelling on the past as much as I used to, but today is a low day I guess.
Last week was pretty good with H. He stuck around after bed time every night he was here and we watched some tv, chatted, even a few kisses here and there. He took the day off on Thursday to take our son on a field trip at daycare. Field trip got cancelled due to rain so he came by the house to do a few things - we ended up watching movies together all afternoon and he offered to give me a massage and one thing lead to another..He's definitely been more interested in me lately than he has in a long time. But again, I am trying not to read into it. We DO NOT talk about getting back together, but we also do not talk about divorce either. We pretty much just avoid that subject altogether. I don't know - i am so torn what to do. I am being the best person I know how, but I feel like there is a fine line between doing 180's and letting him take advantage of the situation and caking eating. Obviously I dont know what's going on in his head - is he thinking 'okay well she's letting me do this that and the other, so I might as well take advantage of that' or is there any possibility in him thinking 'I still have feelings for my wife, and maybe there is still something there worth hanging on to'. Knowing him, he isn't thinking anything, and just enjoying the moments. Every time I tell myself to just get on with my life, he doesn't want me in it, we start hanging out again, and I reconsider. Honestly, we have become such good friends over the last 6 months or so - just like the first couple of years of our marriage. I know that is a good thing no matter what - for the sake of our children especially if we do divorce, but gosh it makes it so much harder to let go. The last time we discussed our R about a month ago when he told me he rented his own place - I was in MAJOR breakdown mode, i was crying and asked him flat out 'does this feel RIGHT to you' and he started crying and saying that no, none of this feels right at all, but that he didn't know what else to do.. And I think this is the piece of my puzzle that causes me the most grief. Neither of us knows the 'right' thing to do - I wish I could just tell myself that the right thing would be to stop this fiasco and move on - get on with my life, stop hanging out with him, stop being physical with him, stop letting him walk all over me... but then that doesn't feel right either... Heavy heart today. Sad, missing all my boys, miss being loved, miss being able to love him back.
