Waiting to PIECE. No PEACE when waiting

[ninelives]

u guys are both right i think. She is a time bomb maybe but i also traces of my wife in there just not long enough to sustain a marriage i fear.

I am making rookie mistakes again and i dont know why. I feel the fear again that i was able to get a handle on earlier. Getting to the point again where I think she wants us together as a family but doesnt really want me as a husband without the package.

I was over there yesterday and she was in her bra and panties getting ready for work and i said she didnt have to cover up, she said that i became angry last time she walked around like that. I wasnt angry, i just said that she should be more aware of the situation and put some clothes on. I think that she thinks i get mad whenever i disagree with her or take a counter position.

She told me that she is very confused and wants to be back as a family but that it will take time. She said that she does love me and never really stopped but she is so effed up.

Talked about her new therapist, who i know fairly well, and that she says that my W is not content unless there is turmoil. That she grew up in the type of environment and only knows drama and turmoil. She went on to say that she has self loathing and perhpas that is why she took up with such a character.

I asked her point blank if she missed him, she hesitated and said no, but i get the sense that she does. I guess that is normal at this stage. I know i shouldnt focus on him but i seem to .

I told her again that I can forgive and that my family can forgive and she started to cry and said she didnt deserve forgiveness. That she didnt deserve my love and that I should be loved. She says she wants to make me happy but doesnt know how.

It was getting rather heavy. I told her that i was going to go ( i showed up on my bike) and said i would just need a minute to adjust my shorts in order to ride. She said, jokingly, why do you have a hard on or something. And she looked at me and started to laugh.

Yes , i desired her totally at that point, she was walking around in bra and panties for gods sake and she looked so beautiful so maybe something did come up.

Embarassed to say, I took care of that problem by myself as she watched. I guess i can say anytHing on this board and since that is the truth, thats what happenend.

I was embarassed afterwards and said that I needed psychiatric help, she laughed and said not to worry , that she didnt think less of me and knows that I have a strong sexual appetite for her. She gave me a tissue and continued to get ready for work.

bTW, its nothing that we havent done before but in that circumstance, we were solidly married. I did feel like I made a huge mistake with that and did feel ashamed.

We talked some more and again, I got the sense that she is missing the OM on some level. SHe had to get to work and I got on my bike and rode for awhile.

there were fireworks in our town later that night and i texted her and said that i needed to get away for awhile and clear my head. That i was sorry for what happened today and that i really need to figure out what i want. I said that we should just hang out with the kids and do some things together and apart.

she said she wanted to do things together very much and questioned what type of things we should do apart.

I said i didnt know, just things and that i didnt know what to expect anymore.

She said she should just move the hell away. ( turned quick)

then later while the fireworks where on she texted and asked if we were having a good time. I said we were and wished she was here with us as we watched this so many times together.

she said she wished she was there as well so badly. Said she missed us and wanted to be with us.

We talked nice for a few more texts.

I know I am persuing and im pretty sure that is not the way to go. I do want to show her that I can be NICER than OM and that I did miss her and want to make up for some of my shortcomings from before.

She mentioned again going away together next weekedn with the kids to her parents hometown.

Thats were we are at right now. I have neglected to say a lot of the little back and forths between us but hat is the gernal idea.

You are right Gnosis, i am persuing to some degree but am nervous that she will regret her decision to leave OM if I m not nice.

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