I've been reading the board for a few months now. I've also read DR, as well as many of the other books that have been recommended on the forums - 5LL's, Sex Starved Marriage, His Needs/Her Needs, etc.
I've been in awe of so many posters on this board and how they've handled their situations with dignity and grace and how they've grown as people. I decided it was time for me to tell my story because I'm really struggling with how to handle things from this point on and I want to be a better person, not only for me but my kids.
Honestly, I'm not sure my marital issues are the usual, and hopefully fixable dysfunctional ways of dealing with problems/conflict, etc, or some unchangeable character issues that are contributing to my H's constant bomb drops.
In the past, I always believed that I was fighting for our family and now I have to wonder if I'm just co-dependent.
I'm 42, my H is 41. Two kids. D16, S7 We've lived together for 18 years. Married 9 years. Together 22 years.
My H's behaviour with regard to our relationship has often been one of confusion and withdrawal. He broke up with me constantly during our first 4 years of dating. I'd get the usual ILYBINILWU, or I was the wrong person for him, or we simply weren't compatible. During the first 5-6 break-ups, I did the usual - crying, begging, trying to convince him to try counseling, urging him to read relationship books. Somewhere along the way, I figured out that wasn't working. I discovered that when I went NC, he would come after only a few weeks, begging for my forgiveness.
When I got pregnant 4 years into our relationship, he stepped up and started acting more maturely and I thought those confusing times were behind us. We moved in together and he was a devoted father and husband.
Fast forward 5 years. We went through the usual adjustment to parenting, in-law issues, money issues, etc. Not everything was handled well by either of us. H withdraws when he's upset and sulks, I get angry and I usually pursue but somewhere along the lines I started retreating out frustration. It was around this time that I had an EA (that he never found out about) and things started to deterioate further, probably because now both of us were withdrawing and no one was working on the relationship. I ended the EA after a couple months. However, I'm sure the damage was done as I believe my H felt my distance during this time.
A year later, my H was again drinking too much and becoming distant, and I was bombed again. I got the ILYBINILWY speech and his usual, "you're the wrong person for me" speech as well. This time since the stakes were higher (a young child and me a SAHM). I completely fell apart - crying, not being able to get out of bed for days. My H moved in with his Dad and his Dad's second W.
Finally after a couple weeks, I pulled myself together and started IC with a MC. During this time, H was blaming me for all our issues because he said I was the wrong person for him and I had anger issues. My IC who was pro-marriage helped me to realize that all of our issues were not all my fault and encouraged me to stop pursuing H but not to give up. I backed off and H moved back after 3 weeks, only to move out again about a month later. After he came home for the second time, I knew based on his behaviour - distancing himself, drinking too much, withdrawing, and leaving a partially packed suitcase in a closet, that he was planning on leaving for a third time. So I packed his suitcases while he was at work and told him if he wanted to live with his Dad, he was free to do so. He quickly tried to back-peddle and claimed he wasn't trying to move out. Finally, after 6 months of being separated, I agreed that my H could come home if we went to MC. My H later told me his told him that what helped him with his decision is that his Dad confessed that he had regretted that his first marriage ended in divorce (sadly years later, his Dad's 2nd marriage also ended in divorce).
My H assured me he was committed to us again, we continued MC and 6 months after his return, we started planning our wedding. A month before the wedding, we had a fight about something trivial and my H screamed that I was the wrong person for him, and that he didn't love me enough to marry me. I was stunned but the next day, I gave him a list of phone numbers and told him if he wanted to cancel the wedding, I wouldn't stop him but I wasn't going to help him either. He apologized 3 days later and said his comments were made out of anger but needless to say I was conflicted.
I went ahead with the wedding despite my lingering doubts due to his pre-wedding bomb drop.
A year after the wedding, we had a second child (S7) and I dealt with severe PPD. H was not completely supportive but I still felt connected to him. Unfortunately, the next blow was that his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Then in-law issues ensued and my H was again not supportive. Resentment started to build and disconnection followed. I tried many times to express my concerns. I talked. I wrote letters. I cried. I pouted and screamed (obviously not my best choices). Nothing seemed to get through to him. In hindsight, even though he acted like he was handling it all, I think the stress was overwhelming.
I went back to school during this time and am currently doing what I've always wanted to do. I think my career and my children became my main focus. I don't believe it was a conscious decision but it happened gradually over the years. Then H's mother died and our disconnection grew. We were struggling emotionally. Our daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder and severe depression due to the loss of her Grandmother. It was by far the worst year of our marriage.
Last summer, out of desperation, I bought a book on contemplating divorce. I hid it well...or so I thought. H found it but didn't mention it to me until we had a fight and then he let me have it. He screamed that I should just go and get myself a boyfriend because I never had sex with him anyway and if I wanted a divorce, I could have one. We finally talked calmly about it the following day and I assured him that after reading the book, I did not want a divorce.
Things were still uncomfortable between us and H stopped telling me he loved me even after I asked to hear it more often. (He hasn't said it in a year and a half.) During this time, when I had thoughts of leaving, I would think about how I still loved my H and my family and I would push those thoughts out of my mind. Besides, I knew our D16 could not handle another loss in her life.
I got the bomb again in April of this year during a fight. He told me to F off and go F myself and that he was done. It wasn't pretty. When he calmed down he said the usual, "We're just not compatible, we have nothing in common". I'm so numb to the bomb, I didn't bother begging or pleading this time around. I've learned that doesn't work anyway. Less than two weeks after that bomb, H seemed to be changing his mind once again. He told me he was having trouble sleeping and his heart kept racing. Then he started hugging and kissing me everyday. We cuddled and watched TV together in the evenings. We did things as a family again.
I found this site and made it my mission to avoid R talks and did my best to DB. H found my 5LL's book in my nightstand and wanted to borrow it. (He's currently reading His Needs/Her Needs.) He engaged me in a few short R talks over the past couple months but they seemed to go well. He apologized for his part in the break-down of the marriage. I assured him there were many things I would have done differently if I could go back in time. Things seemed to be going well. Then he started distancing himself again (I was prepared for this after doing so much reading on the DB forums).
A couple weeks ago, I started to suspect I was going to get bombed again when H seemed to be sleeping more and going to bed early to avoid me. I began to detach. I think I've reached the point where I'm not longer sure if this is an issue that can be fixed. He's been back and forth so many times. It seems like whenever our marriage hits a rough spot, H bails. Even when he doesn't actually leave, his words leave me feeling abandoned and alone.
Admittedly, I can see that I have bailed on him over the years in various ways such as putting more time/energy into my career than my relationship. I think in some respects I gave up emotionally but didn't physically leave, even though I had considered it many times. I have also been less interested in sex because I don't feel connected to my H. He admitted this hurt him immensely and he felt abandoned. He said if we had been having more sex and doing things together, this wouldn't have happened but it has. Then in the next breath, he claims that it doesn't matter because we're incompatible. A lot of what he says (far too much to go into in one post) seems to contradict.
So I got what he claims is the FINAL bomb last night. He said even though he's only thought about leaving for the last few months, this time he's 100% sure. We're not going to make each other happy. We're not compatible. He admits he's read the books, and even though he's realized that he hasn't always been the best H, the damage is done. He feels I rejected him sexually for too long and we're just not compatible. He keeps harping on that point so I believe this is his main issue.
He has no concrete plans at the moment and can't say when he's moving out, or when we should tell the kids. He seems to be winging it as usual. I've been here post bomb drop before. Far too many times.
Anyway, I'd like to DB for me, for my kids because I'm not sure I should even want him back at this point. He even admitted this would keep happening so the writing is pretty much on the wall. I told him I didn't want him as he was anyway. That his flakiness wasn't attractive to me. He also said that I don't respect him. I agreed that I didn't, to which he replied that if he looks at all his behaviour over the years that he looks and feels like an idiot. Maybe I am the wrong person for him and it took him this long and two kids to figure it out.
I don't want this stich to break me and make me bitter. Right now though, I'm feeling hurt, rejected, angry, used, ugly and my self-esteem is about nil and very numb. I haven't cried but I'm sure that's coming. I know that I need to GAL. I did see a lawyer in April during the prior bomb drop and financially I'll be fine so that's one thing down. Not sure what's next or if there should even be a next?
