There really isn't anything new to report in my sitch these days except that I think my feelings may be starting to change lately. I've noticed over the last few days that I am starting to feel sorry for W. Sure I still hurt and am upset, but I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her. Hopefully, this will help me have some compassion for what she is going through. Are these feelings normal?
Also, last night I posted this on my last thread, but I never got a response. I will post it again. Please let me know your thoughts about whether or not I made a mistake:
I was feeling a little bad about our phone interaction the other day so I sent my W the following text:
M: I'm sorry about the other day on the phone.
W: Why?
M: Just for losing my cool and being an a$$hole. I should have realized that you may not have understood my emails. I just wanted to apologize for it.
W: Ok.
That was it. Nothing more. She lost her cool on the phone as well the other day, but did not apologize. I wasn't expecting one. Was this a wrong thing for me to do? Just curious.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad, I'm proud of you for apologizing. You did something different and she has to digest it. No, you most likely will not get an apology, but at least it proves that you can be the bigger person and admit when you've done something wrong.
One thing that we all have mentioned and I'll mention once again, you need to stop worrying about how she feels and/or reacts to what you say and do. You have to focus on what is important for you right now, this very moment, and that is to live your life to the fullest as it she may never return. If you continue to try to figure her out and tap dance around her reactions, it is going to drive you completely insane.
Let her go and find herself. Focus on you and your children. Live in the here and now and if she wakes up and paddles up stream to catch up w/you so be it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I cannot answer that direct question but I can tell you this.
Is respecting your wife enough to allow her the room to live her life the way SHE chooses to live, right or wrong?
Before you answer.....consider this....did she always tell you how to live your life?
Look man I am going to be straight with you
The more you keep looking at everything she does, says, acts like...the less time you have to fix your chit.
The other day I sat and spoke with my stbxw.....some anger came out of both of us but also the new me came out. She noticed and I know she did. Did it matter? Does it change things? I pray for her it does. My point is that when u finally look inside and change .....she may notice and at that point......anything is possible. Please tad stop looking at her and start to peel back things about yourself.
That my friend is what just may bring her back!
If it doesn't you'll be a better man, better partner in the future.
God bless eric....
U know how to reach me...back to the pool I go.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You've already received some good advice. Stop dissecting the reactions you get. The bottom line is, do you feel that your W deserved an apology? If so, then kudos for giving one. Just like you should give one if you do anybody else wrong. What THEY do in response is their own issue. You can stand up tall and know that you are proud of your own actions. You will make yourself crazy trying to understand an MLCer.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Personally Tad, I think at this point the hardest thing for you to do is.. to be you. You are walled off and careful of everything you say. Understandable. But I have to say it seems that you are tearing yourself up with it. That's not healthy nor good for you. I know because I've been there and done that. I still do more than I care to admit. It doesn't do you any good though. You know that and that tears you up as well. She said and acts like she wants you gone. Be gone. You cannot help but you can slow her progress, Tad. You can also lose you in the process. My instinct tells me that being that cautious with your feelings and thoughts isn't you. I know why you are doing it, but I'm trying to tell you that it isn't going to help you. It's ok to say and do what you feel. Be real. Be honest.
When you decide you need to apologize for something, don't wait. Don't over think it. Do it. When you don't, don't. Keeping your cool and not getting angry is more to give you time to be rational, not to impress her. It doesn't. It likely confuses her just like everything else!
Bottom line is that what you do or don't do is not a "mistake" per se. Keep your cool and respond rationally, but don't hide your feelings either, my friend. Be you and be honestly you.
Good luck tomorrow!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for the wise words and well wishes for my job interview tomorrow. I need it!
Today was interesting.
W called about some D stuff. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. We talked about all sorts of things....her job, delaying D, her school, the kids, her career plans, my family, our friendship, things we did wrong and could have done better. Just weird.
She seems to be opening up to me a little more than she was a few months ago. Telling me more about her feelings and things going on in her life.
There was no anger from either of us. I even told her that I was passed the anger. I'm done with it.
Like I said.....just weird.
It was a good conversation though.
On my way to her house now to pick up S16.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
You do not have to TELL her u are no longer angry. You SHOW her.
Consider this....what if she does something tomorrow or next week that really pisses you off - you respond in anger. What do u think she would say to you?
If I were her I just may say......."I thought YOU said you were no longer angry".
Don't put yourself in a positions where your words do not match your actions.
Actions man not words.
Do not be surprised if she tests you at some point.
Good luck on the interview.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You do not have to TELL her u are no longer angry. You SHOW her.
Consider this....what if she does something tomorrow or next week that really pisses you off - you respond in anger. What do u think she would say to you?
If I were her I just may say......."I thought YOU said you were no longer angry".
Very true Eric. Actions do speak louder than words. Hopefully, she doesn't test me, but I will be ready when she does.
Today's conversation was interesting. She explained why she left to a degree. She said: "I felt like I was screaming inside and all I wanted to do was run as fast as I could to the other side of the Earth. I couldn't get out of here fast enough."
Seems to me I've read something similar to that before about how they feel.
Off to bed to get some rest before the interview.....
Oh, she also asked if I would please let her know how it goes.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
As for your wife testing you, all mlcers test lbs at some point. Actions speak louder than words.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
