So I'm a workaholic. It is easy for me to bury myself in work to avoid the outside world. I've dealt with this in the past and have made changes but I can be prone to just working and not taking any time to do anything else.
Since we were very hard hit by the economy I've done a lot of that. Worked continuously. But it has been a necessity not a place to hide. But I can see a horizon to this. It's coming.
Today at my wife's insistence I took the day off. Drove the convertible on a nice mountain drive. Hit the hot springs, saw a band. Spent a little time in Tahoe.
I got back late and for some reason I was a bit anxious and expecting the other shoe to drop. It didn't and I don't think it will. It was just a weird feeling.
It was probably a remnant from feelings from a phone call yesterday. BIL called (which means he must have just found out we are separated) to tell me "anything I need". I've often had the feeling about him that he just really likes to say that but his follow through would be insincere. Just my feeling, don't know if it's true. Anyway one things for sure. I hate (HATE) pity, condolences, or whatever it is. Nearly sends me into a rage. Not sure why. Just does. So much that I avoid the people that will offer a shoulder. Hate it. Cut them out of my life type of avoid. Even though they really care for me. W has stated and it's probably true MIL and FIL like me better than her and want to do whatever they can for me. But I won't see them. Can't take the pity.
So I got back late thinking W would stay tonight (one car now). She didn't. She rushed off. She's making a point.
Totally weird sitch still. She says if she could fix things and be in love with me she would. Says we're best friends (we are) and good together in every way (almost). I don't know.
So I guess my goal is to figure out how to keep working extremely hard to pull the financial pressure off but GAL big also. Tough one.
Just a note, this seems to be a zig zag. Friday she seemed almost affectionate. Nice kisses anyway. Today not. My perception is she feels herself getting close to me and when she feels it she pulls back. Maybe it's my imagination but I don't think so.
In a couple of weeks it will be 7 years since we were intimate. What a long haul it's been.
