Anyway, I'll just write my next update from today - we spent 13 hours together today. Basically, I let him sleep in this morning - D woke up at 7:30 (early for her) and he was pretty tired, so I took her out of the room and woke him at 9:30 - I joked with him that we ruled the world b/c we let him sleep (if I didn't say anything, he probably wouldn't even have noticed).
He showered, and we were 15 minutes late for church - which is usually a big trigger for me, so I just said "What should we do" I wanted to try leaving D at the nursery today so BF and I could attend service alone (we've bee at that church since Feb and always had her with us) - so he was like, 'Well, why don't we just get their really early for the next service, have bagels and hang out" - our church has coffee and bagels, etc. And so I was like fine -
Then we got there and did just that and left D in the nursery - I don't like to leave her crying, but today I just left her and walked out and BF stayed behind and then he came down. It was the first time we attended service alone. It was a little awk. b/c the music in the beginning is something D loves to dance to and we like having her with us, but we just sat there. We chatted about a few things here and there. And then we both pretty much dashed to go get her (we never left her alone like this before except with family or our sitter). BF was immediately looking for signs whether she'd been crying - they said she was fine - but BF didn't believe them (Okay - he can be worse then me). We got her in the car, and it was late and she was tired - so she was crying, and I started getting a little irritable b/c we had no plan (he mentioned something about driving to philly b/c a guy in church talked about a kids museum there and we were planning to go to one in NYC) but we just drove back home so he could get his sunglasses - we had a one-minute "tiff" about driving her around to fall asleep vs. just getting his sunglasses and driving to wherever we were going but it was nothing.
She fell asleep and we drove to the frozen yogurt place, so I could get some and ate in the car. We talked about everything for the hour it took us to drive into the city while D slept - a very pleasant mood and lots of "guy" talk about cars, and different things on his mind that he just talked and talked about (nothing really R-related, I don't recall) and I just was pleasantly chatty back, asking questions, listening, etc.
D woke, and we stopped and got pizza with her and it was really fun - it was so great to be in NYC - I haven't really been there in years now and used to go all the time.
Next we went to the kids museum and it was a joke. It was my idea, and BF paid $30 to get us in and was hyper worried about germs, and I was pretty relaxed, but it was a pretty stupid museum, so we stayed an hour - he kept telling me not to feel bad about it - b/c it was my idea.
So then he was going to show us his office, but I wanted to get a drink at the boathhouse in central park where I've been wanting to go for 2 years- I wanted to see his office, too, but it was still early and so we meandered down to the boathouse and found it and had a drink. Central park was a zoo and it was hot but we had a really pleasant time having drinks...
BF would say things throught the day - maybe only 3x total (not terribly much) but he'd say "next time we should go to blah blah blah" (which really means nothing) though at the boathouse while we were having a drink, he said, "I want another one" (meaning D) - he does just say this sometimes, but it kind of angered me oddly enough. I feel like he just says crap and it could lead me on -
So for the next hour or so of our day, I got into a bit of a weird mood (probably nothing he could distinguish) but we walked down to a bench in the park so I could nurse D and I was a bit tipsy from my drink and just hot and tired and we were sitting closely and he picked a pimple on my face (somethign he did on our third date - which we always talk about how mad I got at that) and he was like "You can reconcile our third date now" or something - and I felt myself drawing in close to him - not in a clingy gooey way - just kind of laughing and being whatever - normal - but then he said something like "With your next boyfriend, who is blah blah blah" IDK - but it pissed me off again and I felt like he plays games with me. And I just caught myself sort of drifting toward him (not physically just in my spirit) so I made a conscious effort to back off and just kind of let him go ahead with D in the stroller and just walk on my own a little - he did keep engaging me.
But we didn't get to go to his office, or do a boat ride, which I thought would have been fun b/c we still hadn't had dinner and it was D's bedtime - so we went and ate and it made him really happy to take us to this place he's talked about for two years- and he was disappoitned they didn't have something on the menu he wanted to get, and he kept asking if I liked it and D was cranky so she was sitting on my lap, so he started feeding me the appetizer (calamari) from across the table -
I really thought nothing of this - but I ... IDK - IDK what he was trying to do there. Should I have just not taken it from his fork?
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I started wondering if he just plays games.
Anyway, he paid (I had paid for drinks earlier which were SUPER expensive) and I thanked him outside the restaurant by kissing him warmly on the cheek - which he didn't seem to mind - then D wanted to kiss him) ...
He kept asking if I was just saying it was good, and I was like, No I loved it - we talked a lot about Italy while we were there.
He had to run around for a bit b/c we thought we had no more diapers left, but I found one, and we changed D, put her in the car, and took off for home (about 45 mins drive) - D fell asleep as he was telling me some crazy story aobut when he was younger that involved some girls and his guy friend and alcholo - it was kind of a pointless story -
But then we brought up something else about how he could take or leave NYC. And we got sidetracked. But I asked him about it again later, and he said he realized it doesn't matter - if he ever goes to Italy or goes to NYC or whatever (even though he works there) that he doesn't care - that nothing matters. He said he thought he was having an existential crises - and said he was thinkign about buying a motorcycle, but what diff. did it make just to drive it around the block and come right back home or something.
I was trying to follow what he was saying but it was kind of meandering and didn't make a lot of sense. I should have listened more, but I was tired, and I just gave him my take on it - which was that we each are responsiple for loving ourselves - that's how we save the world (he was saying something about wanting to do something meaningful) and I said, make you happy - then you can be an example to others. (I wasn't giving him advice, as much as I was just telling him my side of what i thought he might be saying)
Though, it's interesting b/c I think some of what he was saying was that it didn't matter - nothing made you really free - and he sort of said "If when we die we go back into alignement, then what's the point of being on earth?"
He was sort of saying it very casually - not like he was really serious.
