Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

You admit everywhere you have a hard time letting go of resentment, getting past your many grudges against your H, your pessimism is palpable.

Your poor H.

I initially passed ithis statement over as an opinion like any other and let it slide.
I have to admit, that since I read it, it has been bugging me all weekend.

In reading it, I feel and felt condemned, blamed and shamed all over again for the failure of my M.


There, I had to get that out.


That said, I had a reasonably good weekend. I had a very nice date, and enjoyed myself and the new person's company, and he mine.

My son brought something to my attention that was such a compliment to him , and after finding out what it was and commenting positively on it. I asked him if he showed his Dad. Sadly, he said " No, I don't want to, Dad is not part of our family anymore."
I said, "Sweetheart, he is and always will be your Dad, and he loves you."
They're off to camp today and I'm really buckling down and looking for another job that better fits my skills and needs.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I also want to state although I felt and feel those feelings.
I am still considering the "meat" of your post LauraOh.

I want an edit button!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling -
Feelings have changed. I'm now at the point where I don't want to talk to STBX, I don't want to see him, I don't want to engage.

Everything that could be said has been said. There is nothing left for me to say, and I do not even wish to open my mouth.

He only speaks of the kids, the weather and sometimes his work if it's month end. I nod politely and say uh hmm were appropriate to encourage him to continue. It's all superficial and general...a conversation he'd have with someone at a bus stop, or on coffee break.

I am trying to maintain hope, but to be honest, it's becoming more and more difficult as time passes.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling -

Discovered something about myself recently.

I thought I had been making progress on listening empathetically. I have shut my mouth more, interjected less, and am really, really trying to be less directive/final in my statements.

Apparently I was missing something.


It has been brought to my attention that even when a man says,
"Don't do _______.

I tend to gloss it over in some way as either not serious or insignificant.

I think I may have done this for a couple of reasons.
First I think it's because guys' delivery is so different to that of women - more low key, less tonal variation, less emphatic/expressive?
Second it's definitely because I was never listened to either. I base this on the fact I come from a very loud family. There were a lot of us and none of got the attention we really needed so there was a lot of shouting and attention getting behaviour to be noticed, let alone listened to and heard.

All this feeds into this so that, when a man says he's unhappy in some way with what I'm doing, I figure HE hasn't heard me clearly or understood and I redouble my efforts! My program pattern...if it doesn't work the first time do it over and work harder, faster, longer, more, more, more!

Of course the guy feels dismissed. Of course he doesn't feel heard or respected. Major freaking duh!

How crazy is that?

Now that I know I'll be changing this pronto!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Addendum. I want to tell STBX about this so badly, but I suspect it would not make one tiny jot of difference. That's why I've recorded it here instead.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Feeling pretty good today. For the first time I think I'm not attached to any outcome as far as STBX is concerned.

I realise that if he can't/won't give me what I need in a marriage, there are people that will and can.

I sometimes wonder why I was holding on so tightly to a man and a relationship with him that was barely sustainable the way it was.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling -

Well I had to go to city centre today on business to complete some tasks for the new job I obtained amd will start shortly.
I texted STBX and asked if he'd like to meet for coffee as I was going close to where he worked.

He surprised me by saying yes. As timing worked out, we met for early lunch instead. I was waiting at the restaurant for him.
When he walked to our table I got up, said I was glad to see him and gave him a brief kiss and a hug which he accepted. He complimented me and said I looked good. (Darn right I did!)

We had a nice lunch, and I volunteered the information of why I was in town, I think ( I don't know) that he was surprised. He congratulated me. I asked him directly how available he would be to help with the kids, as this new job requires me to be on call any time day or night for at least the next 3-6 months.
He said he would be available as much as he could be given the restrictions of his employment.
We discussed adding my youngest child to our family phone plan, bus routes for both kids, and stuff like that.
I walked with him to his office. About halfway there I grasped his hand, he didn't pull away and for the first time in a long time we walked hand in hand in rhythm.
I thanked him for lunch. He said he might be by earlier to have a cup of tea with me when he comes to get the kids later today. ( Yes, I was surprised at that.)
I kissed him goodbye at street level, and walked to my bus stop.

I'll update further this evening for those that are interested.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update -
Well STBX did not stop by earlier for tea. Whatever, I wasn't expecting follow through on that. I made no mention of it. He did ask me if I was going to be nearby to pick up the kids after their evening visiting. I told him I didn't know at that point.
As it turned out I was, and I did let him know I would pick the kids up at a specific time. I was upbeat, happy and a little silly when I came to retrieve the kids.
I had a great evening and played hard and it showed.
He asked me how it went and I briefly responded.
He apologized for not having the kids ready ( I was ten minutes early - traffic was light) and waiting for me as he was expecting a text telling him I was on my way.
I said it wasn't a big deal and said it was my fault for not giving him enough notice. He said goodbye to us all and walked away.

[PEI]

Scylla...

Just an interesting note ... my ex, during one of our very civil convos early on in our separation, told me that even when I "listened", he knew/felt I wasn't truly listening, I was only listening enough to be formulating my next rebuttle/argument or justification.

That stung.

And it's also been one of the most helpful things I learned about myself.

It's actually pretty cool, once ya get past the sting, to find these things out, eh?

Peace
PEI

[Queen_of_Swords]

For me PEI it's not so much the sting as, OMFG I never realised I did that! So that's what you mean!, moment.

For me until that light bulb comes on, it's like; what are you talking about? I really don't "get" it and I believe they're pulling these statements out of their behinds just to criticize me unjustly.

Why? Well, that's happened throughout my life as a child - what I did, who I am was never good enough,( even if it was exemplary) that was reinforced over and over to me. So STBX criticisms, although accurate, played right into that huge complicated wound of mine.