So these are my last couple of posts in my previous thread, which I just closed - I was looking for some feedback on this:
So I have a pretty big update tonight, but I don't know if I can write it all out - I want to relax and get to bed. Just a big R talk initiated by him.
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I should really go to bed, but I want to at least start writing some of the R talk b/c it's long and I may not remember everything tomorrow - but basically he was having his day with D (really doing me a favor - not his day) and I missed her a lot as I was out today, so I came home around 4 to see what they were up to - nothing. I offered to take her and give him some time since I sensed he was pushing for time tommorow, which has been a really nice family day time for us (Sundays) - he wasn't sure what he wanted to do -
I dropped the rope. Took KML's advice and said, "I dont' know, if you needed to look for apartments or something."
He was like, "Ah, IDK I just need to go to harbor freight and do something with the wood in the shed."
Anyway, I waited until he decided but he wasn't really deciding and so I kind of took D and he kind of went to his room and seemed happy about it - I just needed to get out of there for a while - so I drove to my mom's for the evening.
I was pretty darn depressed today, but it felt good to drive and I just kind of "seized the moment" and sang D's favorite B-I-N-G-O song the whole way... and tried to just get happy...
Um.... anyway, he just came in the room and is hanging out near me now so I think I'll stop writing and ... go to bed. I don't know if much has changed, but ... I'll try to write more tomorrow.
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So I got home last night, and put D to bed, BF wasn't here, but he came home a few mins later. I was going to get online and go to bed, but he was pacing around the house and seemed like something was up. Later, I realized, he wanted to talk, but he basically got me in the kitchen, and started talking about his car - so I listened to car talk for a while, and then he brought up his sister (he's never usually this chatty) - his two sisters and mother are a topic we don't really ever bring up around here - there's nothing to say - they are psychotic, have threatened me, threatened him, and have been generally insane to us for the past 18 months.
He brought up his sister, and so I asked if anything was happening there, and he said no- he said she had invited him to something for her son but that he didn't know what that meant, and she needs to acknowledge his D (and I think he once said - me too - his family - but last night he just said D) and that he can't just let the past 18 months go just like that - which I was proud of him for since he can be a bit of a pushover in that way...
Then that convo was kind of coming to an end - I was just staying present to see where this was all going and then he picked up my friend's wedding invite which was on the kitchen counter (this scroll) he started saying "See, you think men aren't just boys, but they are" (I was saying my friend was kind of dorky and laughing at his medeival wedding theme)
He was like "You said men need to be men, even if we don't like to talk - you said that was just me."
I didn't know what he was saying, but I listened, and I said, "I don't know if I ever said that, really?"
He tossed something out there and whatever I said, I was trying to be reassuring. But the wedding invite was a little awkward b/c it's in September, and we were supposed to go - I used to live in Boston and I wanted BF to meet my friends and then go up to Maine where I used to live but we haven't talked about any of that. So he was saying something about me dressed in medeival garb..
But then we got to talking about D and I said how much D looks like his little sister (who doesn't talk to us) and how it kind of breaks my heart that she doesn't see her niece and that I guess I felt responsible for that stuff in his family - he said, "She maybe sees it as a woman taking a man away" (her dad left when she was 7 - and she's seeing me as taking away her brother)
Then he just said, "See, that's why I want to be more than a weekend dad."
At this point, I just listened for a long time - even if I didn't agree - he talked about how he sees it happening - we'd be friends, and we can ease the trauma on her by making it a nice thing when she goes to daddy's house, etc. etc. And he said, "IDK but I just don't want her to be traumatized and with bad men, etc"
At some point, I kind of said - that's all in our control, but what's not is getting involved in other Rs, and that's what she'll see too - and we don't know what any of that is going to look like yet - at least we can control our R.
He said, "It's not like I want to get into another R. He said, I may never want to - I just want to raise my D and do good in the world."
I listened a lot - again, he was saying more of this stuff - kind of painting a pretty picture and it all sounded very theoretically ideal. I validated and said, We'll thanks for saying that.
Then I said, Of course, I want to give that to you and of course I don't want to fight, but I just see things a different way. I said that we could be nice and all that, but there were a lot of different factors - like shuttling her back and forth, etc. How, when I was little, I always wanted my mom and couldn't imagine my mom not being there.
He suggested that was just me - and talked about my dad - and also his mom, and I said something to the effect that I'd love to just see our families heal - to not create more brokenness, but to just create peace
We started talking about what D will see of Rs and I said, Maybe if she sees her parents fight then make up, that would be good - she comes from a crazy family, but we all have to accept each other and show love. I said, she's not going to see a perfect R...
But I guess what I failed to say there, is that she's see our new R - not the old one.
See, I don't think BF has reference to this old one.
I talked some about what a friend of mine had said about us - he said, "You're like a regular married couple" and that we were actually doing okay. (I think things like this really reassure BF)
He said something about not knowing what to do b/c our R wasn't "sustainable"
I asked him if I could say something (again, I was trying very hard to listen - and I was panicked b/c I thought "I don't know what to say and I don't want to say the wrong thing and I don't want to pursue, etc") but I could see the convo was going toward him wanting to feel better about leaving and I just kind of gently turned it and explained how I'd been there myself with wanting to leave, but that I'd had a lot of support from friends who convinced me to stay and how I came out the other end and it was really freeing - that I'd committed myself to this and that that caused me to change a lot and get off our cycle...and that what I saw there was really beautiful. But that we hadn't given that a real chance yet so I realized I kind of lacked credibility.
I talked about other friends who divorced, and their kids, etc. and he wanted to kind of defend us and say we wouldn't be like that -
I may have said something earlier about him never wanting to be in this R and he said that wasn't the case - that it's never been a continuous feeling - it's been all over the place for three years b/c so much has happened.
I guess the final thing I talked about was he said something about my wanting D to have a perfect childhood - and I said, "What do you mean?" And he talked about my calling his dad a couple weekends ago to see if D could come home early - that I shouldn't have done that and just left it alone. I explained why I did that (her sleep issues, and my wanting to see her for 1/2 hour before she had to go to sleep) and then he brought up taking her to the diner -
I thought for a while, and I explained that part of our old bad cycle was my lack of trust for him - that with our not being married, everything that ensued with his family after we had D, some of my own ppd, that it combined to make me a little overprotective, but that I didn't mean to be - I said I loved that he took D to the local diner and they knew the waitress there and that they were just having fun. He seemed a bit disarmed/surprised by this -
I said, "Trust me, I don't want to be a controlling overprotective mom," and I said I wasn't trying to blame him or defend myself but that I'd recently seen my behavior in a new light and that I just had been really wary b/c of ways that he presents himself to me and his family went nuts on us and we had never talked about our future -
Okay, it sounded like blame, but the one thing I kind of wanted to do in the convo at some point was push back just a teeny bit b/c he was really headed in that "our R isn't sustainable" direction and that he's somehow a victim to it rather than it being both our faults.
I think I handled it in a way that he could hear, but also was gentle enough ...
So I had been crying at that point, and I said, "I didn't meant to take the convo here." He said, "No it's okay."
I said, "All right, well let's not talk anymore about this if that's okay for tonight." And he said, "Yeah, that's fine." And I said I was just going to go for a walk.
One thing I did clarify with him earlier was that I wasn't pro-R b/c I was all in love and clinging (sometimes I think he thinks that) but that I had just been given this gift of seeing something different for our R and that I have faith now and it's something we can be proud of - that *that* is what I was fighting for - and I said, "It's not what you think I'm talking about - an R where you have to talk all the time and do what I say" he laughed and said, "You always think you know what I'm thinking." I said, "Well it's not that you think I think what you think" and we were just laughing.
I went for a walk and came back and he kept engaging me in convo. I said sorry things got heavy and that I appreciate the communication, and he said "It's been an interesting three years" and he looked at me when he said it and I looked at him and we both laughed.
Lots more talking in his room and in the kitchen about different things - food, whatever. Then I sat down out in the living room to write last night, and he came out on the couch and started playing a game on his new bberry - and was like "Oh wow, look at this" like a kid - so I came over and looked. And he was telling me about this game or something.
Then later I was kind of saying good night when he was back in his room and he was like "I want to show you a picture of D on my bberry" so I waited, and he pulled it up, and it was them at the diner and I was just really enthusiastic and like "Wow, that looks so fun."
And that was that. WE're off to church soon.
Hard for me b/c as good as it feels to communicate, it's like my heart wants to open, but I feel very protected and - eh. whatever. That's all for now.
