Do I stay or do I go?

[anyhope]

I've stopped answering his calls or calling him. And it was working for a bit, he asked me out to eat and stuff, but only a month had passed and we weren't happy when we were together. We had some issues for years so for us to be happy again a lot needs to happen and needless to say there is no space for ow. But unfortunately shes back in the picture full force to the point where I really feel the marriage is over. He was out with a friend the other night and went to see her after. He tried to deny it, but poorly. I've hit him out of anger. I know it's not the best thing I can do, but right before he left to go out that night he gave me a speech on how he doesn't want the ow, or any women for that matter and just needs his space.. So much for that. All lies when all I asked him day after day is to be honest with me. I already knew he cheated and didn't stop contact, so why lie to me? So anyways he told me to leave as he I gave him a black eye, and said I was crazy. I wanted to, but can't seem to find a place I can afford ( it's safe to say I'm unemployed, really I'm self employed, but my income is either there or it isn't) I can't afford to move. I've searched and searched and finally told him I have to stay. I bought a bed and moved out of the bedroom. GAL and 180's is the only choice I have.. But not even sure I want to save this marriage anymore. So many lies and so much emotional pain I've been putting up with.. I'm just tired. I read so many of these posts since this all began over a month ago, and I see that this story is so similar to many others on this forum and I wonder how some people get the strength to 180. I was able to as well when I decided I don't want the relationship, but when he seemed to come around I had expectations again, and all failed terribly. Now he's back with her and all I can do is to GAL and I will.. I just want to avoid being in a situation like this again where I think he might still want me but at the end of the day he doesnt. Right now I feel like I wouldn't even want him back but the heart is funny sometimes. You're right, maybe if he has his fun with her, but how do you live with someone after this?