A new perspective???

[irishblessings]

I've just returned from an exhausting trip playing team mom to my son's team. All through the week I kept thinking about the state I was in last year - a crumbling mess. This year - NO TEARS! In fact, I just enjoyed myself. XH came down and stayed 30 minutes away from the team house. By the 3rd day, XH asked S if he could come by to see him. S asked me if it was ok - he said he didn't care / I told him "of course if you would like him to". So XH comes by - I was civil but did not engage in any real conversation. From that point on, XH came everyday - just walked in - never called, never asked. Class...

Any way, noticed several things - changes. First, XH has started to wear tank undershirts (aka "wifebeaters") under his shirts. The same shirts he used to make fun of on others but now are popular in his new environment. On the last day he shows up with this goofy hat on - the kids asked where he got it - he said at some "awesome" golf course. It was bizarre - used to be so particular about type of hat, etc. Now he has completely regressed to his teenage "uniqueness". Used to say that he never cared what people thought about him - then being married to me made him care too much about what other people thought.

So, my new perspective - recognize that I am doing a much better job detaching. I recognize the things I read very early on regarding MLC are becoming even more obvious. I see a shadow of the man I was married to for 25 years. Barely a shadow...

My new perspective forces me to change my direction. Procrastination cannot be part of my life any longer. I cannot allow myself to sink to living a "less than" life simply because he has chosen to do a complete 180 on his life. I want to succeed and live an amazing, fulfilling, life. I want to become the best I can be - not settle for could have, should have, would have. But I recognize that I have to start facing tough lifestyle changes that I have been avoiding. I have to recognize them as "short term" - but so critical to my future.

I am finally beginning to feel differently. Not sure why - but I do not want to end up like my XH. I have often described the disclosure as the draining of a cesspool. I always felt that if we didn't stay together that the cesspool would be the legacy. I felt that we would be better to stay together and clean up what we could of the cesspool - to preserve the family and to honor all of the good from the marriage. In the end, I didn't have the choice - it was made for me. My new perspective causes me to recognize I have spent the last 14 months floundering in the remains of the cesspool - now it is my time to clean it up - as much as I can. I don't want to walk away from it as if it never existed - it did happen. The deceitful, disgusting, and vile things XH engaged in are part of my past experiences - they don't define my future. I will become better by doing the work - not avoiding it.

Thanks for listening....