I've just returned from an exhausting trip playing team mom to my son's team. All through the week I kept thinking about the state I was in last year - a crumbling mess. This year - NO TEARS! In fact, I just enjoyed myself. XH came down and stayed 30 minutes away from the team house. By the 3rd day, XH asked S if he could come by to see him. S asked me if it was ok - he said he didn't care / I told him "of course if you would like him to". So XH comes by - I was civil but did not engage in any real conversation. From that point on, XH came everyday - just walked in - never called, never asked. Class...
Any way, noticed several things - changes. First, XH has started to wear tank undershirts (aka "wifebeaters") under his shirts. The same shirts he used to make fun of on others but now are popular in his new environment. On the last day he shows up with this goofy hat on - the kids asked where he got it - he said at some "awesome" golf course. It was bizarre - used to be so particular about type of hat, etc. Now he has completely regressed to his teenage "uniqueness". Used to say that he never cared what people thought about him - then being married to me made him care too much about what other people thought.
So, my new perspective - recognize that I am doing a much better job detaching. I recognize the things I read very early on regarding MLC are becoming even more obvious. I see a shadow of the man I was married to for 25 years. Barely a shadow...
My new perspective forces me to change my direction. Procrastination cannot be part of my life any longer. I cannot allow myself to sink to living a "less than" life simply because he has chosen to do a complete 180 on his life. I want to succeed and live an amazing, fulfilling, life. I want to become the best I can be - not settle for could have, should have, would have. But I recognize that I have to start facing tough lifestyle changes that I have been avoiding. I have to recognize them as "short term" - but so critical to my future.
I am finally beginning to feel differently. Not sure why - but I do not want to end up like my XH. I have often described the disclosure as the draining of a cesspool. I always felt that if we didn't stay together that the cesspool would be the legacy. I felt that we would be better to stay together and clean up what we could of the cesspool - to preserve the family and to honor all of the good from the marriage. In the end, I didn't have the choice - it was made for me. My new perspective causes me to recognize I have spent the last 14 months floundering in the remains of the cesspool - now it is my time to clean it up - as much as I can. I don't want to walk away from it as if it never existed - it did happen. The deceitful, disgusting, and vile things XH engaged in are part of my past experiences - they don't define my future. I will become better by doing the work - not avoiding it.
Thanks for listening....
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Thank you for your post...I needed to hear about your change of perspective...I need to work on embracing my future and not looking at what could have been.
Live it now....one day at a time...one step at a time.
God bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you friends - I actually FEEL better and I'm not exactly sure why. But I'm still moving forward.
Spent 3 hours after work pulling weeds from my front yard. Was recognizing how much I have been drowning in the emotional wreckage. Never noticed the weeds until they were literally climbing on the porch from my flower beds.
Am also thinking about having my mother move in with me and S. I think financially for both of us it could be beneficial. Also, it would be great to have someone at home to help keep us going. She could use the companionship - S and I could use the help. Oldest D is getting engaged this week - so I will have a wedding coming up and after this year I will have 2 in college. My current job is so demanding that I really don't have the ability to take on an extra job. I have some debts from the divorce that I would like to pay off asap - I just think it might be helpful. That being said - my mother presents with some major challenges - but I will have to work through that.
Anyway - I'm at least thinking about solutions rather than just thinking about problems.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IRISH! You sound like a million bucks. See what happens when i turn my back for a few months?? I, too, have noticed when looking at my XH from a perspective of distance, that he's not quite a "catch" I once thought him. Not to say he never was, just that he and only he can go through what he has to travel through at this time. I accept I am well out of it!
Feeling a little blue today. It is so strange when things pop up out of the blue -
church calls to update info - "so you are divorced now? are you still a church member - your ex says he is not" alumni directory calls to update info - "so X updated his information / divorced now / you need to update your information to reflect the same"
Wow - was taken aback and really felt as though all the years together were erased. Just wasn't prepared.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
