Can my relationship be saved?

[paige40]

I am glad your son seems to have taken it ok so far. I am going to have to have the same talk soon and I have no idea how this is going to go with my sons.

I don't think talking with OWH is good for you at all. that is only bringing more drama into your life. You can't believe anything OW tells her H. Even if she ends the affair with your H you don't know that will make H want to work on your M. The only people you should worry about right now is you and your son.

I am sorry I know this is hard. I wish I would have logged on here last night I was out of sorts also. It is hard for me to use the computer at home but I guess that will change soon. Will have plenty of computer time.

[a girl]

Thanks, Paige.

It's hard. And although I know OW ending things is only the first thing that has to happen for H to want to work on things, and there are about a million things that have to happen after, I still hope she does.

But you're right - it's a waste of my energy. I need to focus on S7 and I, and not on what H is doing.

Right now S7 is with H for the morning (not our agreed on visitation, but since we just told S7 on Friday, we're trying to ease him into things).

I've been meaning to post about "going dark" with H, so I'm going to do that journaling now.

[a girl]

So I'd like some feedback on my "going dark". We have S7, so I can't go 100% no contact, but I've definitely cut it down to about 97% no contact.

When he comes to pick S7 up, I have S7 ready and waiting, so there's no need for H to come into the house. When he drops S7 off, I chat briefly while he stands on the porch ("When did he eat lunch? What did he have? How did he behave?") and then tell him good bye.

Yesterday I had to text him to ask him where the Solarcaine was (I got an awful sunburn and H had used it last and not put it back and I couldn't find it).

He texted to say it was in X place, but if I couldn't find it, he'd buy me some since he was stopping by the market anyway.

I went back and forth, but it really hurt, so I texted "Please - I can't find it."

When he got here, he gave me the Solarcaine - I thanked him.

This morning when he picked S7 up, my Amazon Fresh delivery had just come. He offered to help carry it in and put things away but I declined - I said, "Oh, nah, I'm good."

I did send him an email last night - he had asked me about a week ago where we bought our headboard and I couldn't remember. He asked if I could look for the receipt and email him the info. Last night I finally got around to it.

Other than that, we've had no contact. I'd like to get it down to the point where it's *only* about S7, hopefully by next weekend.

However, he's still moving stuff out of here - in fact, I told him he could grab some stuff today when he drops S7 off. I plan to just not be around him when he's doing it, but I expect he'll have questions about "Do you mind if I take X" or "Do you want me to leave Y".

We'll see.

[a girl]

So H just spent 2 hours here packing up stuff for his new house - mostly kitchen things.

Given that we were dividing stuff up, it wasn't feasible to not interact with him, so I did for probably 3/4 of the time he was here.

I was pleasant and friendly, joked with him a little, and it was clear that he was enjoying my company. I think he would have stayed longer, packing stuff up and sort of "hanging out", but he ran out of boxes, and when he started to look around for more, I just said, 'Probably best to empty those and reuse them next trip - you have all the kitchen essentials you came for, anyway.'

Feeling oddly at peace with it. The kitchen looks way less cluttered, and we really did have too much "stuff". Not sure where I'm going tonight, emotionally, but I'm finding the positives in having the house to myself, and that helps.

[a girl]

Ordered a few things for my "new" kitchen - a new garlic keeper (I had him take our old one, it was ugly and I hate it), and new dishtowels (he would only use a certain kind and they were about as absorbent as a wet sponge). Looking at some new storage canisters, as he wants the ones we have and I don't like them much anyway.

Sort of making the house mine, one room at a time as he removes his stuff. If I get plucky, I might pack a few boxes for him, just to help things along.

[♪CS♪]

Making your house yours is great.

I did a lot of that when W moved out. Felt good.

Still tweaking things.

I might pack a few boxes for him, just to help things along.

You have better things to do.

[a girl]

Good point, CS. Thanks for the reminder. If I'm going to be spending time on things, they'll be things for S7 and I - not for H.

[♪CS♪]

In the words of Borat.

Very nice.

[a girl]

Yeah, I'm loving walking into the kitchen and having actual room on the counters!

Next is him taking all his romper-room coloured art off the walls so I can find something *I* like.

I sometimes find myself thinking, "Wow, if he comes back, we'll have way too much blah", but then I say "Stop! He's gone, this is your house. Do what you want."

[Forrest Gump]

"I'm already working on GAL (plans with friends the nights I don't have S7, trying out for a local chorus, yoga, lots of reading - which sounds boring but I love and never had time for)"

The reading and the chorus are good ideas for a GAL activity's. Again to me the first thing you should have is a GAL activity that pulls your mind out of things. Had I learned this earlier in my stitch it would have made worlds of difference I think. But I am hard headed and liked to punish myself. The friends are OK if you can all get together and not talk about "everything".

If things go the normal route in your stitch.. which I would expect they would.. the things you have coming down the road is what you will be preparing for. Somehow it always seems there are slow times and busy times. The ups and downs also effect the "Drama" that you feel. My idea or what I try to get people to understand is that in the downtime's you prepare for the next "Drama Scene". I would love to see you standing up straight.. with a smile on your face.. acting smartly and reflecting the "Drama" right back at him. The second you do it.. you will "see" a change in him. It will enable you to take control.

"I've gone fairly dark with H"

Which is not the same as "Going Dark". Most likely it is just an emotional reaction to what is going on. He has had an affair.. and now lives with OW. A natural reaction to that is going to be not to interact with him much. You are naturally going to "distance" yourself. You talking with the OWH is you closing that distance emotionally. You are feeding the monster so to speak. "Going Dark" is a non emotional choice. It is an act that creates a boundary. Very few people actually pull off going dark. Especially this early in the "stitch"

"I'm getting my ducks in order for possible filing for D (parenting plan, etc)."

Until you decide if you are in or out.. it is not your job to move things forward. It is good to have protections in place but that is about it. Talking to a L is good.. having a plan is good. Just don't go forward with anything. I don't think I have read where he has served you papers yet. You prepare.. let him Work.

"I was pleasant and friendly, joked with him a little, and it was clear that he was enjoying my company. I think he would have stayed longer, packing stuff up and sort of "hanging out", but he ran out of boxes, I just said, 'Probably best to empty those and reuse them next trip - you have all the kitchen essentials you came for, anyway.'

Feeling oddly at peace with it. Not sure where I'm going tonight, emotionally, but I'm finding the positives in having the house to myself, and that helps."

This was a good interaction. I removed the fluff to make your statement more clear. Read it again.. Why did this situation "Work" for you? What did you gain from this situation?