Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

Guys like us establish stealth contracts in which we give our all with the expectation of getting much back in return. When we don't get it we act like jerks.

I don't know that I ever thought this in a highly conscientious way, but I can see it. I think for me some of it was that reflected sense of self. At the same time, I am an authentically nice person, and since much of this began I would venture to say my niceness has become more real and more grounded in who I am and less in other people's validation of me.

nice guys attract, or in some cases create, takers. We are so willing to give that we attract people that need to receive, even if these people are not willing to reciprocate. This is often due to their own insecurities, and fear of allowing themselves to be vulnerable.

Interesting. I can see how maybe I created a monster!! If you were to ask a lot of people, they would conclude that my W was the Nice Girl. She does a lot of 'kind' things intended to get love from other people.

Giving seems to be a significant part of my archetype, but the other part of that is the risk to ignore my own needs or make them secondary to others without deciding to on a conscious level.

She feels entitled to all the emotional support, while not returning any.

I could see this - in fact, it perfectly describes a lot of how our relationship has been for a long time - I was consistently there for her when she needed support, while I did my best to never need support from her. Borrowed functioning, perhaps?

I don't know if she is conscious of this - I would guess if you asked her she would say that she felt obliged to protect my emotions and couldn't have her needs met.

I find it ironic how some WAW's want the LBS to console them and comfort them when they feel down about the D even though it's their doing! Like I said, take and no return.

I am working at dealing with this. At this point, I don't acknowledge anything written about how its hard, and I try to just stay quiet and calm if it comes up in conversation. I figure I'm doing her a favor if I let her take care of her own emotions.

Stand up for yourself. For now this means no longer giving your "support" logistically, economically, emotionally, whatever, for free. If she wants to do this she loses your support. Its part of the decision she made. She can't have both.

This is one I really struggle with. Not because I'm afraid of losing love - according to her, she likes me but doesn't love me (ILYBIDLY?) - but because I have compassion for some of what she is experiencing, and that is a fundamental part of me.

What am I exchanging it for? Do I really want to choose my behavior in such a transactional manner? I want to maintain myself without her input playing a big role in it.

As always I may be off my rocker, so let me know if this rings true, or I missed the mark.

I guess I find it hard to see myself as 'nice guy' in this situation - for starters, I acted like a real jerk quite a bit. But I see similarities. Also, MWD discusses the idea that if one person is contributing everything in a relationship, the other person doesn't have space to contribute. I guess this would be a way of creating a giver/taker dynamic. I can see how that would apply - because I was always giving, she took but didn't get the opportunity to learn to give.

I appreciate you contributing to my thread - I certainly have some more things to consider, and will have to check out that book.