Aeolian Just read your thread took me all morning. Then again I shouldn't complain I have 4 threads. I'm going to hit my points in bullet format since, like you, I have a tendency to get carried away with analysis.
1. I think it's great that you have made so many insights, it's very valuable to be able to process data about both yourself and W, and to be able to get understanding. That being said be careful not to over analyze. It's a trait I have too, and it can sometimes lead down the wrong path, or create undue stress. Also gaining understanding is a coping mechanism some develop in order to deal with difficult situations. This is fine as long as your conclusions are logical and founded. This means trying to read your W's actions is not only futile, but possibly detrimental.
2. I can relate to you on how you have acted like a doormat. So far you have shown all the traits of someone with Nice Guy syndrome. Someone who sacrifices, and gives all they can in order to receive the love and attention they desire. The flip side to this is that if they do not vet what they want then they act like real jerks, can be passive aggressive, or even blow their tops. Guys like us establish stealth contracts in which we give our all with the expectation of getting much back in return. When we don't get it we act like jerks.
3. You sound like you gave, and gave in the hopes of getting something back. Meanwhile your W took and took with very little return. That's because giving nice guys attract, or in some cases create, takers. We are so willing to give that we attract people that need to receive, even if these people are not willing to reciprocate. This is often due to their own insecurities, and fear of allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Takers can't be in a relationship with a well adjusted individual, because they'd have to reciprocate at some point. Instead they go to giver nice guys, because they can take and take without fear of the NG demanding affection in return. (they don't because they are afraid of creating conflict).
4. This creates a dynamic where the NG gets tired of not getting what he needs and blows up. Meanwhile the taker is shocked that they cannot get anymore from the NG and decides to seek more attention somewhere else or just leave.
5. You have inadvertently been feeding your W's sense of entitlement. She feels entitled to all the emotional support, while not returning any. Afterall why should she, if she has gotten away with it all these years.
Ok so what does this all mean?
1. You have to find your own sense of self worth. (sounds like you are on the right path. )
2. Your W needs to find YOUR worth. She is used to taking so much that the law of diminishing returns kicked in. She was so used to your support that she undervalued it. Your actions lately like not taking care of the cat, going dark, etc, are showing that your love is a precious commodity. Keep it up it's hard, especially when you see them down and want to run to them. I find it ironic how some WAW's want the LBS to console them and comfort them when they feel down about the D even though it's their doing! Like I said, take and no return.
3. Stand up for yourself. For now this means no longer giving your "support" logistically, economically, emotionally, whatever, for free. If she wants to do this she loses your support. Its part of the decision she made. She can't have both.
4. If she does come back learn how to demand the love and support you need! This was hard for me at first, since I wanted to avoid conflict. Now that I do though, we resolve fights quickly, and I don't feel so neglected.
[edited by dbmod: reference is not recommended nor allowed].
As always I may be off my rocker, so let me know if this rings true, or I missed the mark.
