Mach, Snodderly and SA, thank you so much for your messages - I did have a break while I regrouped a bit, but the people here are also my friends as well as those in the 'real' world.

I am sad for all the newbies, and grateful for the old timers who are so inspirational. We made it through to a different life, and changed ourselves in the process, and were changed by it as well. Not what we asked for for sure. But as the song says 'And here we are' Stronger, and maybe better. I take much less for granted these days.

Total silence on the xh front, and I believe he is processing hard. It takes them forever to deal with their feelings, and whatever he does or does not do, I am fine. But as with all those we love we want their well being and happiness, and so I hope he can make it through to a place of greater authenticity and find joy in life again. I may or may not be a part of that. Who knows what life has in store?