Well, while cleaning the house today I kept replaying in my mind what she said yesterday "If only I could have bought an end-table." In my naivete and foolish excitement about her seeming moment of lucidity I didn't realize that what she did was place the blame for what's happening exclusively on me. I don't even know if she did it on purpose or not, but she was very smooth about it and slid it right past me.
In some kind of sick, twisted way I'm actually enjoying the things I've learned the past two months. I swear I think I'm the one who's gone crazy. Maybe grad school brought on some kind of nervous breakdown and I'm living in some kind of fantasy world where the people closest to you all of a sudden turn evil and you start reaching out to and bonding with complete strangers on websites you didn't even know existed. Now all I need is a spaceship landing in my back yard full of little green men. That are Bigfoot walking across my back yard.
I swear I don't think I would bat an eye at seeing either of those at this point in time. Someone should make a movie about this.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Well, shockingly my W not only asked me to help her load the bedroom TV for her to take to her new house but asked me to go there with her to help her set it and her new computer up. This is not only the first time I've been invited to her new house but the first time she's indicated that I was even welcome. She had been having a male friend (who I had suspected was at least an EA, but now am not so sure) help her get the house ready and move furniture down there. But, it would appear that he is either unavailable or unwilling to help her further as I fully expected he would help her set everything up. I will note she is friends with his W too and I haven't noticed any communication between them lately either.
I'm torn as to whether or not I should help her out at this point. I'm always nice and cordial when she comes over to my house to see the kids and she has been doing a pretty good job of the same lately. I have only seen a couple instances of her being on Monster over the last week and overall she's been very pleasant. I want to communicate to her that I respect the journey she's taking and that I still love her, but I don't know where to draw the line about being used and letting her have her cake and eat it too. I do appreciate the efforts she is making to stay involved with the kids and see them every day, since at first she was going days at a time without even calling to check on them. The last two weeks has really been an improvement for her as she has come by for at least an hour or two every day and taken them both school shopping. She even brought groceries and helped clean up last night when she watched the kids over here.
She offered to take us all out to eat and to see a movie tomorrow "as a family" and didn't say that it was payment for helping her or anything. She has been wanting to get together like this once a week like we always did, and even mentioned she and I going to see a movie next week without mentioning taking the kids. I'd like to think she is afraid of losing the family and may be missing she and I going out as well while she is in this phase, but don't want to get my hopes up as part of me is terrified that things will get much worse before they get better. So far I can't prove there's and OM, and if I find out there is my feelings about doing anything with her may change. Help!!
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
So now she overslept and our plans change yet again. I just wonder which mode this is going to put her in. I'm not so sure I want to spend the day with her after all, and honestly no progress can likely be made anyway. Damn.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Well, the W showed up about 4 hours late this morning and with not enough room for everyone in her car (go figure). But, she did bring doughnuts for everybody. She wanted us to take separate vehicles as I guess I'm not allowed to ride in her precious car any more (could be my imagination).
Out of the blue she goes on a tirade while we're eating about an email she got from a co-worker telling people not to do business at foreigner-owned gas stations. She was absolutely ranting and I saw the Beast come out!! She ranted on that for about 5 minutes, then went on to say she pissed alot of people off at her work by bashing organized religion and she was waiting to see how that turned out. It was great to sit on the sidelines and watch her Beast mode bare its fangs about something besides me. It really was. It was obvious she was WAY too passionate about what she was griping about to be considered sane and she kept on and on. Surprisingly, she did admit something good about the Catholic church and even told our daughter afterward that she should continue going to church with me. So, maybe she still retains some of her Catholic roots even though she would deny it if i asked.
I stayed off to the side of her and neither agreed or disagreed with her. I'm surprised she didn't turn on me anyway as the last year or two she has really attacked my conservative beliefs as she went far left as part of the MLC crap. She used to start arguments out of the blue and end up yelling at me and verbally bashing me for my beliefs so today was a relief.
Any more thoughts on me helping her with the TV? I never offered, I just feel that if I say no it will look like I'm standing in her way and MWD says that's the opposite thing to do. I still am intrigued as to why she hasn't even mentioned the lawyer friend and why he wasn't her choice to help her.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
What do you feel that you should do? There isn't a really simple answer. You should ask yourself why?
Personally, I pray of pretty much anything, asking God what He wants me to do.
I have no attachments to material items anymore. I know that somehow I will be able to have a roof over my head, food on the table so beyond that, I know it isn't important.
I did give my W one of our TVs when she moved out. I consider any of our stuff, even now, ours. If she wants something and I dont need it, she can have it. With her personality, though, she is unlikely to ask for anything.
As far as when your W goes into BEAST mode, could she be looking to get a reaction from you? If she is, I wouldn't play into those games. Does it really matter anyway? What is most important to you?
Weekends are a bit slow around here on the MLC board...
People do catch up during the week though...
You have read some books, theories...
Now take some time, maybe one of those Friday nights, to get a bit personal.
The MLC archives are filled with real MLC stories, mostly from the LBS side, which is where you are...
You will learn things that you never imagined...
It will help to make some of the unbelievable, believable...
It will help you make sense out of things that don't...
Was the furniture really the issue, probably not. Did you deciding how to decorate the house make you the world's worst husband? I highly doubt it.
Is it something that didn't make her feel heard or considered? Possibly. Probably.
Could it all have been done differently with a bit of compromise? Probably, almost everything can...
That was something that stung you a bit when she said it. Around here, we say if something stings, we should look at it. See why it stings. See if it is something we need to change.
Hope the rest of your weekend was good.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hey Cat, the funny thing about the furniture is that she picked out everything except the entertainment center in the house. The kichen table and chairs, lamps, bed, kids's beds, wall decorations etc. I feel like this was just a way of putting it all on me. I do regret not getting the end tables as I realize it may have been important to her, but I don't think it was a big enough issue to cause this. It certainly was compromisable.
Yesterday she had asked me to help her move the bedroom TV to her new house and I agreed. This would be the first time I was invited to the house or even welcomed. Due to a vehicle malfunction we were unable to get it moved, but she took us out to eat and we had overall a very pleasant conversation about things we have in common. Very pleasant. She had mentioned she and I going to see the new Apes movie Friday night, and even though we talked at length about the movie last night she didn't bring up us going. I'd like to, but I'm afraid if I bring it back up it would be purusing.
We sat across from each other and she kept her head down much of the meal though. Once, when I came back to the table she had her phone out and was texting. I made a comment about how we might want to keep our phones put up while we're with the kids and she blew up at me. She said I never raise my voice but I always put her on the defensive. She said that's a major reason for the divorce (right in front of the kids). I apologized to her and said I was sorry she felt that way. She told me not to take notes because nothing is going to change. Five minutes later she was back to being nice and friendly again.
She did blow up about random things during the day, just never at me. She went ballistic talking about everything from the Amish to big families to gaa guzzlers. I just agreed and went on and shd didn't spew any venom my way. I jokingly suggested she make a list of all the things she hates now and she said it would be a long list. She also said the Bible was just a book written by people and no one should go by it except for the morals part. She again told the kids, though, that they should go to church and religious education as it provides a good foundation. She was back to bashing the Catholic church again, too.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
The blaming , the entitlement ( which never goes away while they are in the tunnel )
I do believe it was my fault that the Pope-mobile had a flat tire once....
So you saw her flip the "bicth switch" huh ?
That part is normal, it is part of the confusion that is INSIDE of her head.
You were having a normal conversation, she felt really at ease, and needed a reason to push away. That is what that anger is buddy, a way to push away, toward the 'decision' that she is moving towards.
Being 'in' the conversation that is going really well, isn't supporting her decisions.
Have you ever told a lie ? And needed to keep telling lies to keep covering up ?
Very similar stuff there.....
Her actions did not match her story.
That is why in DB terms, you always leave the conversation while things are going well. END THE CONVO FIRST....
Quote:
I made a comment about how we might want to keep our phones put up while we're with the kids and she blew up at me
That is exactly what she is pushing away from ....
Take a look at that and ask yourself WHY you needed to feel in control of that , at that particular time ?
Have you you always had a 'comment' ?
The normal interaction ?
Good job on that....
Letting her push a button on you ?
Look at the battles that are worth fighting ,pick and choose the hills that you are willing to die on.
