Spellfire: Thanks for the first words and advice, and great sig quote as well -- I feel that it says a lot about the person I used to be and now want to get rid of. I believe that this entire experience is already changing me so much; I have chosen to see all of it as a positive thing, whether it hurts or not. I feel that if my W hadn't done the things that she had, I never would have experienced the kind of "system shock" that has recently spurred me to make all kinds of changes in my life. I am making these changes just for me as well. I started trying to do things that I thought that "she" would like, but that just felt phony. So here's a list of things that I want changed about me no matter what happens:
--W always did complain that I was never "manly." I take this more in the sense that I cried a lot, whined and complained rather than focused on solutions, acted manipulative to get my needs met, acted very childish, let my emotions and thoughts take control of me, etc.... --I often relied on my W to take care of simple, everyday things because it was "easier" for me. I'm enjoying my time spent on my own because it's forcing me to finally act like a full-on grown-up. --W complained that she felt like she had all of the "power" in the relationship. I interpret this as meaning that I was very dependent on her love and felt like I "needed" her in my life in order to survive. She, on the other hand, did not feel as dependent on my love. More independence and responsibility for my own happiness in life is the answer to that one, I think. --I don't think I worked very hard at assuring my W that she was as beautiful as she is. She always accused my compliments of feeling like "an act." This, I feel, is a complex issue and may have as much to do with her as it does with me -- not too sure right now. I also feel that this is the spark that led to the R with the OM, as she seemingly had no interest in him until he started sweet-talking her and complimenting her constantly. Things took off like a rocket after that. --I'd like to be more in the present as opposed to being in my head. Being in my head for years geared me to be only receptive to my needs and wants rather than the needs and wants of others.
Starsky and girl: Thanks for the legal ideas -- I'd never even thought about going to an attorney. I will probably do so when I have a chance. The thing is, because we're pursuing legal separation, our debts & liabilities are pretty evenly and fairly divided -- her student loans, my student loans, her car, my car, etc. I still might as well go. Even though we're awfully amicable to each other at the moment, things could take a turn for the worst. Might as well know what I can do in such situations in case they happen.
I don't have a lot to update on my situation, but I kind of felt like I had a two-fer today. I was busy guiding a bunch of moving guys to move my stuff to my new apartment when she called me. She asked if I had a chance to talk, and I said sure. She then informed me that her court case had finally been settled (she had been in a scary car wreck about six months ago and had sued over damages) and that she had been awarded the $10K that she had been expecting. However, she also explained that she could not split it with me as she had intended. Originally, our plan was to split that money evenly in order to pay off both of our vehicles, but she explained that because of her new financial situation, she can't follow through -- she can barely afford food and pay her bills as it is.
I've known her for years, so I knew that her sadness and guilt at telling me this was genuine. She also seemed apprehensive to inform me of this fact, as though she were afraid that I would react unfavorably. However, I chose to react like a friend and a gentleman. I told her that it was no problem at all and that it was more important that she buy food and pay her bills. Then I had to let her go very quickly and was unable to chat any further.
Granted, it was because the movers needed to know what to take next, but I feel that I still made myself "less accessible" in doing so. Today, I felt those old twinges that would have normally inspired me to call her back and "touch base" after such a short conversation, but I did not give in to those urges. So far, a lack of communication on my part has been reversing the momentum that had originally pushed her away from me.
However, I'm fully aware that her relationship with the OM is my biggest obstacle at the moment. I forsee that it's only going to get more whirlwind-ish and more pronounced as time goes on, especially after he moves in with her. Given how hard she's been pressing for a D, I'm also expecting that to come sooner than expected. All I can do right now is let time play out, give her LOTS of space, and do my own thing. Can't control her, can only control me, just like so many people on this BB have wisely advised.
