so.. don't take it as a positive response to my behavior? I know you said you are just venturing a guess, and I imagine my bias is to see it as optimistically as possible.. but this seems to be better from the very clinical communication I was receiving a month ago.
Either way, I feel better about myself and the way that I handled things - I felt like I maintained my integrity in remaining peaceful and open.
I don't expect anything to reverse itself overnight. One thing that I read on here was to figure at least a month for each year of M. So this is the beginning of month 3 in a M where
She did text me and drop off some more stuff (magazines..) while I was out yesterday. I would like to think that I can build off of a positive and sincere interaction.
Isn't SFBT about 'finding the bright spots'? So what was the bright spot here? To me, it was that we were able to have an uncomfortable conversation where I held onto myself and gave her space to express her feelings in a way that I know I did not do in our M.
I appreciate your framing it in the way you did, KD, as far as measuring consistency and persistency. I suppose the WAW may be doing the same thing: one good conversation != absolute change.
I don't know that I will ever exude confidence but I like to think that over the past 5 months, I've found a very firm and quiet confidence that both has strength and the ability to acknowledge and disclose my weaknesses without falling apart. Its something I'm sure I'll work on developing in myself for my own benefit for a long long time.
There are some things I wonder about - because of all of my anxieties, my ability to experience real passion and intimacy was pretty disconnected the past couple of years. I'm not saying hers was all that much better, but its something I know she wanted more of even if she didn't want to ask or talk about it. Obviously I also have a strong self-incentive to 180 that.. 360 or 720 it even.. but I'm not sure what that looks like outside of the kinds of appropriate venues for that sort of expression? Is it just a vibe I'm going to give?
Making plans that include me -- I don't know what that would look like. I get the impression she feels a distinct sense of discomfort around me. As of now, she has basically avoided me the entire summer except for our chat the other day. She has e-mailed and texted 2x since then, and I can choose to respond to them in a positive and more friendly manner. She said "It was really good to talk to you today- it gave me a lot of perspective, and helped answer some questions that I had. I hope you felt the same." I appreciated the conversation and I do think I'd be best served in acknowledging that it was a good conversation and I appreciated her being more open with me. But whether any of this translates into making plans -- not sure how it would. Somehow we went from inseparable to whatever things are now - no plans with one another.
I agree on the GAL. I need to do more of it. I'm working at GAJ(ob) so I can afford more GAL. Perhaps GAL will help me GAJ. It helped me GAL(awyer).
Thanks again, KD, for chiming in and giving me your take on it.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
By all means, feel good about it. There's just nothing else to read into. It's not a call for you to move towards her.
Take all the psychoanalysis out of the equation.
Every human likes a positive, pleasant interaction with another human. Period.
Your W does not want to hate you. People don't walk into the grocery store planning to hate anyone...
It is only when our emotions are triggered in the experience of someone that we begin to place people in specific "boxes". It could be a conversation, it could be what they wear, it could be body posture...
And in order to process our emotions over our experience of someone, we start to... project... unto the other person... we begin to mind read...
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If this processing is occurring with someone we have regular contact with, maybe the cashier at the grocery store, the co-worker, the people who go to the same parties as us...
It's CONSISTENCY in this experience that ultimately establishes our mindset as to whether this person is someone we wish to have regular or more contact with... or not...
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Your W isn't done with you, yet... as mine isn't done with me... the why...? Only THEY know... if they even know...
If your W was done with you... she'd be done... she would not have sent you an email...
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So yes... you had a positive interaction with your W and that is something to remember... she'll remember it as well... but it is just as likely to have nothing to do with the M... just two people having positive conversation...
And in that... you did well... and you are doing great...
