Decide what you believe in. And take a step in THAT direction. Not because he will or will not see it or do WHAT you want.
Decide what I believe in? What is important to me? What if I claimed that what has always been most important to me is family? I knew from childhood that I wanted to be a wife and mother. When my sister got married, I revised a bit - I wanted to be a partner wife, not a subordinate.
So what would it mean for me now to "take a step in that direction?" I could probably get approved to adopt children and realize my dream of being a mother. I would, of course, have to divorce before starting the homestudy. I might be able to remarry, but I can't take that step before I divorce and heal enough that a new man isn't just a consolation prize. Obviously, I'd prefer to be wife and mother within my current marriage, but that is not up to me. I think that leaves me with the task of finding a new "what is important to me" and I have no idea how to choose the direction of my first step.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
This one to me is part of letting go. The struggle is fighting for what you want vs reality.
Their reality
I'd say my sister has mastered the 100% acceptance. She has a chronic illness that made her pregnancies enormously dangerous to her. Partway through a pregnancy that had already given her two emergency hospitalizations, her husband quit his job, losing their income and their health insurance. She had one more brush with death, but now she and her child and her marriage are all intact. Seems to work for her, but I walked away from that episode pretty clear that I am not willing to give 100% acceptance.
Whatever, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. I have appreciated the responses here, even if I understand very little of what they mean.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
