Words get in the way

[angel61]

Thank you Cyrena. I have been hoping to hear from you again!

Although my thought processes seem to be improving, sometimes I still get caught in some situations that push me into saying or doing things that I wish I did not do afterwards.

Last weekend, I tried to initiate ML. I was being needy and H has been distant in that aspect, although otherwise we have been getting more connected in other ways. For the first time, he rejected me, then he was upset that he made me feel bad. I just said I understood, and left it at that. I felt that he spent the rest of the weekend trying to make up for it - we even went for a drive in wine country on Sunday and he was so attentive during lunch, putting food on my plate, etc.

But the realization of how disconnected were were really hit me -the physical attraction between us was always strong even when this sitch happened. For a couple of days I felt down, but tried my best not to show it.

Another small bump occurred this week, this time over a phone call. He missed a call I made and I just asked him if his phone had no more charge and he blew the thing out of proportion.

He almost brought up the "lets end it all" under his breath, but when I asked him what he said he just said "nothing" and made an effort to be nice the rest of the evening. The being nice continued all the way till yesterday, when he left for a business trip.

One things I notice though is that he has began to look me in the eye again. He is able to hold my gaze now. He also is losing some of the rudeness, he now always says bye when he leaves for work (there was a time he would just disappear).

He also started teasing me a little, which he has not done for a long time. When I gave him a hug before he left, I sniffled a little and he told me "don't tell me you are going to cry!"ut with a teasing smile, not annoyance. Later in the day he called me and we laughed about a few things.

My dilemma right now is like one you had before: I want to know where he is with OW. I know they still talk and text; but I keep wondering what he tells her, what kind of relationship they have, is she waiting for him to one day leave us (which I feel will not happen, that even he does not consider in the near future) or merely content to be an OW?

But also, if he is staying, and he has said in so many ways and acts like he is, even planning house projects with me, and trips in the future - why does he seem not to want to even try to really reconcile in the true sense of the word? Why does he seem to be holding back? I know he cares, the way he takes care of me, but it seems like he won't even admit it to himself. Will he ever do so?