Went out last night. I'm a huge fan of dancing. Danced with my friends but found myself dancing alone at one point. A guy started dancing with me. He was very nice and polite. It didn't feel dirty at all, but I still get uncomfortable dancing with guys. Like every guy wants to get in my pants. This morning I woke up feeling guilty for dancing with someone. Kinda makes me happy that we didn't end up going to a lesbian bar. I would have woke up feeling horrible.
Anyway, got home and found my w on FB. I was kinda drunk and just got out of my friends car having a conversation about how everyone is worth being pursued. Anyway I pinged her to ask why she was up so late. She said she just got home and asked the same question. I answered the same. That bugged me.. but it shouldn't have. I mean, I GAL and go out almost every weekend. I guess I too get jealous of her having a life.
The other 2x4 is that I've been talking about rockclimbing. As u remember she asked me if I wanted to go with her 30 mins after she said she didn't want me in her life. I said yes, and she said she would look into it. So with it being the 23rd (voucher expires of the 28th). I thought I would ask. Still not sure the reason why. I only know that I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't drinking beforehand. Broke my own boundary of letting her come to me if she wanted to do this.
M:do u want me to forward you my rock climbing voucher W: sorry, I still havent looked into that. they need to be used by next weekend, right? M: yeah I think on thursday. it's fine..just thought I would ask W: you're working all this week, right? M: yes I work mornings W: ok, let me call them tomorrow and get back to you. I'm committing to doing that tomorrow M: k W: roughly what time will you be done, do you know? M: I have off tomorrow W: no I mean during the week M: Sunday is a 9-8, Monday is a 7-7, Tuesday is the same I may be able to do morning on Wed or Thurs W: ok, I'll see what their schedule is like M:k W: ok.. I'm off to bed, I'll catch up with you about this tomorrow. sound good? M: sure night W: Night
I don't know. I guess it's good that she is going to do something about it, but I kinda feel like if it was more important to her, she would have reached out sooner... well actually that she would have made the effort at all.
I have no problems understanding the fact she has to really think about each time she hangs out with me, but to be honest, I'm not really sure how to handle her at the moment. I still want to be nice and pleasant because that's who I want to be, but there is still the emotional abuse and emotional unavailability that weighs heavy on my mind. I kinda want to be like "I don't know if you know this, but not following through with what you said, makes me feel unloved". I realize that's my bs, but she did help create that over time. But again, I can't say anything caz she has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want to work on any thing in regards to our dynamic. I realize that if one person changes, the dynamic changes, but I honestly just don't know how to change that.
Any advice would be really appreciated. I'm feeling kinda stuck and she is gonna call and see if I want to go.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I'm tired been bustin A all day in the heat when it wasn't raining so I apoligze for not reading in depth.
My first take.. Go, have fun, be fun to hang with. nothing more than fun to hang with. Take all of the things that could prevent this from being simply fun and all of the the thing preventing you from being fun to be around ball them up stuff them in a bag and leave em behind in the car.
IMO you're analyzing way too much and starting to wrap yourself around the axle. stop. try to just be
From an old grunt that still looks for every exit and does threat analiysis. I need to take my own advice
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
No worries JS. I ended up not having to make a decision. W never followed. Shocking.
On top of that, she took money out of joint saving's account yesterday. We always agreed that we would talk about it before taking out any money. Up until now, that's what we did.
I won't lie and say I'm not angry, but I've decided that in the morning, I am going to freeze the account. Freeze it so that neither of us can touch the account unless both of us go into a specific branch and unfreeze it together.
I really feel horrible that I have to do this but it's a large chunk of money, it doesn't matter the reason WHY she did it.. only that she betrayed our agreement. I need to protect myself and my future.
Sticking up for myself will be a huge 180 for me. Letting my W feel consequences of her actions will be a huge 180 for me. Not enabling her to be the same.. huge 180. I've been scared of my w for a LONG time. The only way I can stop the fear is to just move forward.
Urgh.. the beginning steps of D are not fun.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, Ok I understand protecting yourself. Do what you believe to be protecting your best interest dispassionately, keep the emotion out of these decisions as much as possible. If you can, try and wait 48 hours or so before making any responses. It gives you a chance to review and consider and plan the best course. Try and remain flexible with alternatives when you do plan, no plan ever survives first contact
Do you plan on discussing freezing the account? Can you do so dispassionately? Can you do so proactively? Can you do so compassionately and in control of yourself?
I ask because money was a hot button topic in my sitch. Any discussion about money for STBXW and me became an argument about control. During these it helped me to visualize our kids having a temper tantrum. I would not permit reactions and walked away. Access to/control of money can invoke some pretty strong opinions in people.
IDK how CA looks at this. In my state all assets are community property unless specifically excluded through a pre-nuptial agreement. We split the joint accounts, but everything in our individual accounts is still considered community property.
I don’t remember if you have spoken to a L. If you are seeing this sitch escalate and you feel the need to protect yourself legally I would suggest doing so. At least try to be informed as you make yourself over.
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Urgh.. the beginning steps of D are not fun.
No none of this is. If it was more people would do it all the time.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@JS I waited almost 48 hrs. I even sent her a text about something completely different and she didn't respond. I was kinda testing the waters to get a gauge on where she was at. She's definitely pulling away since making it seem like she wanted to go Rockclimbing on Saturday nite.
I sent her an email shortly after I froze the account. I acknowledged that she broke our agreement. I acknowledged how it made me feel when she did (angry and betrayed). I stated that for BOTH of those reasons I froze the account so we could BOTH be protected. I explained that it wasn't a threat or that the freeze had to stay in effect. It was just there until we could decide how to best move forward.
I stated that I didn't want the divorce to get ugly and that I am still committed to being loving and honest throughout the process.
Honestly, it was the best I could do. Not too cold, but did not "push under the rug" what she did either.
Of course I'm scared of her reaction. Scared she will get a L, but I can't do anything about her anymore. I'm just glad I'm no longer scared that she will do something crazy like pull her half of it.
She's really unpredictable right now. The only consistency is that she doesn't care how her actions affect me and that when she has good experiences from me, she runs. When she has to deal with bad feelings about me, she runs. When she runs, lord only knows how what she will do.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I was trying to say do what you believe you have to, to protect yourself to feel safe, but in a way that would not be perceived as punitive. I was not clear. I am glad you waited, unless the house is burning or there are kids involved it is almost always a good idea when what you are considering could be perceived badly. I am glad you did the best you could because I think a storm is coming. Brace yourself it could get ugly.
Try and be calm and fair. I suspect she feels entitled to her half. I suspect she is. Please check. If she is I think you need to give it to her.
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I'm no longer scared that she will do something crazy like pull her half of it.
If it is her half how is that crazy? If the roles here were reversed and she froze you out of your half wouldn’t you at least consider a L? I would, in half a heartbeat.
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She's really unpredictable right now. The only consistency is that she doesn't care how her actions affect me
Yes and in her mind she believes she is perfectly justified. She is a WAS it goes with the territory. You'll see believe none of what they say and half of what they do posted. Actions more than words reveal the truth of the matter.
How will your actions be perceived?
IMO better to work on you and be perceived as strong and fair in your actions.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@ JS You mentioned what I would do if she had froze the account. I want to state two things. 1) I would never break our agreement of taking out money w/o consulting with w. 2) I would be angry as all H3ll but I can realize I was wrong and get over it. I don't regret what I did.. no matter the storm.
The storm is here. My stbx did think it was punitive and couldn't see why I didn't trust her. I started to cry and said that I have been afraid of her for a long time. She asked why.. so I told her. I didn't come right out and mention the emotional abuse, but she got the point. She disagreed and said I made her out to be a monster. I said I wanted the D to be as loving as possible. That I wasn't out for blood, but I wanted it to be fair. She said she would try. I said that meant no checking out when she couldn't handle me (in regards to bills) and that she couldn't betray my trust. She didn't think breaking the promise was that wrong and certainly not wrong enough to freeze the account. I said I wanted to unfreeze the account, but I just didn't trust her.. and honestly I didn't trust myself. I mentioned that we can't even have civil conversations about anything in regards to D w/o the help of therapy and she agreed. Therefore she agreed to a mediator.
We seemed to end the r conversation ok.. but she was exhausted. She mentioned she wanted me off our joint checking account. I said ok. Cut to next day, every thing was pleasant until I saw the hickey on her neck. She mentioned that she would start dating during our separation. I didn't handle it well. Said I was tired of her hurting me, that I had a right to know, that she had broke her vows. She was pissed. Hours later I realized that I didn't handle it as well as I could have.. but I am human. I can only learn from my mistakes.
Overall not a good weekend. Didn't handle myself well and I have my w acting as cold as ice. I'm glad I mentioned the emotional abuse for me. And I have learned a lot.
1. My w has a lot of anger towards me and possibly herself. She can't handle any conversation that entails me expressing my feelings, Anytime I express my feelings, she gets defensive, angry. Even if I'm not attacking, she feels I am. Unless I am super nice to her, she doesn't want anything to do with me.
2. My w still likes to put me down. Every time she has seen me, she has verbally cut me. She tries to be happy for me, but some comment comes out. I'm too skinny or a cut about me stopping my best friend from getting a g/f because we go dancing a lot, or that my mom must love the fact that I am super girly now. Etc. She did this ALOT in our relationship. I am trying to work on stopping that.. however every boundary I set pisses her off.
3. My w is upset that I am not rolling over and dying. She's admitted anger and frustration, jealousy about my new life. I think that's why she does 2.
4. If I stick up for myself at all, my w thinks I am being punitive, or angry.. therefore she gets cold with me. This is really tough for me because it's a 180 for me. Not to get her back but to stop being codependent. To stop the emotional abuse. She doesn't like it. Years ago I stopped sticking up for myself because of this very same reason. It's more of the same.
5. My wife is ANGRY AT ME. The list could be long.. but the comments are coming from somewhere. She's upset I am wanting to be fair and go through everything, she is angry I won't be on her timeline (she even mentioned that she didn't care about my timeline or god's timeline, she just wanted this to be done). She mentioned that she doesn't want to resent me for paying my insurance. All signs that she has stuff built up.. so as much as I know she wanted to be independent, there are things much deeper to why she left.
6. I cannot stop her from getting ugly in this D but I can do everything in my power to be the person I want to be. I want to be fair, and caring. I want to consider her feelings, but protect myself. I know I can be the person I want to be. With God's strength, I'll get through this.
7. Having her in my life.. hinders my personal growth. I am too angry and hurt at her to be the person I want to be. I expect that she cares, and want her love soo bad and that is stopping me from being the person I want to be. It's not an excuse, it's just the truth. I need to heal, and I need to forgive.. I can't do that right now. I definitely cant do it when she dips in and out of my life.
8. If I ever want w in my life, I need to let her go (cont'd of 7) We are both too angry and hurt to have anything. I'm scared sh!tless but I now that's what needs to happen. My m is dead, my r is dead. She doesn't want me in her life. I want things from her that I can't have. We need time and space. I need time and space to work on myself. If God sees it best for us to get back in each other's lives, so be it.
Thanks for reading, I know it's long. In the end. I need to care about my w but not care what she does. I need to be the best Val I can be. The past 4 wks of her dipping in and out of my life brought up a lot of emotion and honestly I have backslidden. Getting back on track. If she gets angry at me for changing, or sticking up for myself. If she stays angry even though I am being nice and considerate. Those are HER problems now.. not mine.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hey Val, not sure if you posted it in your thread here... but I noticed you posted elsewhere that you found a hickey on your stbx's neck... so sorry to hear that...
Just something I noticed in your post above, how your stbx is putting blame back on you when you express feeling victimized... pretty classic stuff...
Stay grounded and never forget that YOU KNOW your own experiences... whatever the "truth" might be... your experiences... your feelings... they are YOURS and the represent YOUR TRUTH... they are not right nor wrong, good or bad...
