Going N/C wish me perseverance/strength

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling - Vent

Feel depressed today, been fighting a headache since I woke up. Did my best to keep busy.
Started to read Kevin Lehman's "Have a New You by Friday", I hope it has some stuff in there for me to use/work with. Finished "Monday" yesterday, so I should be done the book by the long weekend. New me by Aug 2 perhaps?

STBX was scheduled to pick up the kids again this evening.
All that kept going through my mind before his scheduled pick up was " I'm dead to him, I've been dead to him for a long time."
ABBA's "Winner takes it all". has been my ear worm of the day too....I don't wanna talk...

He did text ahead to confirm the time he should be here, then didn't show up here for an additional half hour. I don't know if that's a strategy on his part to "see" me or not, as my plan is usually to have the kids waiting for him as he drives up, so I don't have contact.

He did ask me how I was and did look directly at me when he asked, although no compliment on my appearance.
Doesn't matter, I'm always dressed to the teeth and "date" ready looking.
He didn't talk about work just world events more or less. Talked about the debt crisis in the U.S.A, asked me if they'd got a deal together, talked about the Cdn dollar value vs. U.S right now. I didn't encourage him to talk to me.

From where I sit, I have nothing to say to him anymore. He will do what he will do, and I don't enter that picture.

I looked at him, and felt strangely. I recognise him as someone I cared for deeply, but there are no strong feelings there anymore.

He's a stranger to me now. I don't know who he is, what his values are, what he wants, what he thinks or what he feels. He's a cipher, and I'm not even sure I like him.

When they were about to leave my child tried to drag me up and said, "Come on Mom." I said, "Where?" He said to "Dad's", I said, " Your Dad doesn't want me there.", matter of factly.

May not have been DB'ing but it is what STBX told me.