My MLC Story - Help is Appreciated

[Thundarr]

Cat, I have to say you are all they gave you credit for and more. I've posted on several different boards and I have to say that is the most comprehensive and to the point post I think I've seen yet. I tend to be blunt as well, and re-reading your previous post along with your explanation made me really see what you meant and I feel bad I took offense. It's a lonely Friday night and I'm not used to those yet. I have heard the spew and equate it to something pulled from the bowels of Hell. I've been on this rollercoaster for at least two months and have seen the high ups and the low downs, but I know they could get worse. Despite all this, something happened this very evening that has me very upset. In fact, I'm man enough to admit that I'm crying as I write this. I would appreciate any comments on tonight's events that I can get as this has been a low point for me in this journey that I have only just begun. Here is my story from tonight:

She was here when I got home tonight watching the kids. She followed me into the kitchen and started talking about work stuff and asked me about my promotion. I had not planned on telling her, but didn't want to lie to her so I told her that I got it. She brightened up and smiled alot and told me she was very proud of me. If she wasn't happy for me she's a better actress than I've ever seen in my life. She asked me several questions about the job and seemed genuinely interested.

Then, she informed me that she had went by the lawyer's office and they didn't have anything made up yet but would next week. She informed me that what she was drafting was the Separation Agreement. She said it was probably a prelude to the D but wasn't sure (I don't think it is, and I had asked for one of these weeks ago and she had never done one). My understanding is that she could have went right for the D since it had been over two months that we've been separated but I'm not going to read into this. I took STP's advice and posed the question of how she will be better off divorced than married. She calmly discussed feeling less pressured and said that things have built up over the years. She said that when she painted the kitchen last Fall it was therapeutic but she needed more. She said she didn't feel that she could be creative with me because of financial issues and that I voted no on alot of things she wanted to do (in hindsight, I did, and I ended up picking out most of the furniture in here. She said she hated that our house looked like a bachelor pad, and said that was about 1/15th of the problem and that things had built up. I told her I was sorry she felt she couldn't be creative as well as being sorry she felt judged by me. She also pointed out how she felt I waited until a female friend of ours made a suggestion about changing our kids school rather than listening to her as she had been saying it for a year. She said she felt happier on her own and felt she could finally be herself. I told her I hoped she changed her mind and that we would all love to have her back home someday, but that I supported her desire to find herself. All through the conversation she seemed genuine and never really went on the attack as she was using "I" statements and citing specific examples. She said we would always do stuff with the kids, and didn't make any statement ruling out the possibility of coming back.

I know I broke the code by getting into a relationship talk with her, but her moment of lucidity was too tempting for me. She looked me in the eye and acted as if we were still connected. I was genuinely hurt by her statement "If I could have only bought an endtable" (we had disagreed about getting endtables for years). I told her that I didn't feel we had any more problems than other couples did and she pointed out that we always seemed to be struggling financially and yet I bought expensive games and electronics and the top cable and internet packages. She even acknowledged that she liked to eat out too much and pointed out that we are both surviving on our own with much less means. When I pointed out that together we could be doing better than ever, she said that she felt that she was meant to be on her own and wanted to live a simpler life than I did. Again I told her I hoped she changed her mind someday and that we could work together to find a compromise. Again she did not make any statement or gesture ruling this out.

I don't know what all this means. I do know that I feel like absolute dogshit right now because whether she's MLC or whatever she was right on several things. She told me not to worry about that now which didn't help me at all. I still feel like there is no reason for a D, but having her be reasonable and calm while she shared things that had made her unhappy cut me to the bone since I realized this might not be all about her. Damn.

I would rather she have cussed me out and hit me again. I have found my new low point.

DID I FAIL MY FAMILY?!?!?!?!?!?!

One day at a time.

Thundarr