In some ways, each of the guys was correct in their interpretation of what I wrote.
Like Jack, I too worry about the "smart" people...
And Mach was correct, that comment was a bit disturbing to me...
Cadet, well we have had our go 'rounds regarding the whole MLC/menopause thing...
I am sorry that you felt attacked although I can see how you would feel that way. I am straight forward and I do not believe in sugarcoating anything.
You need to develop a bit thicker skin if you are going to survive this MLC though.
There is nothing I or anyone here could say to you that will compare with the spew that could (if it hasn't already) come from your W.
DB techniques are very important in the survival of this to avoid the bitterness that you speak of.
It is my wish for everyone that comes here, that if they do D and move on, they can do it in a healthy emotional way and if they reconcile (or move on to a new R), they have developed the skills to have a GREAT new relationship.
Even if you reconcile, it will not be the old marriage, but a new one.
So what I said to you, was not to minimize your profession or your pain, it was to simply get you, for a minute, out of the mindset of a therapist. Because I saw you very quickly getting stuck.
DB 101--have a Beginner's Mind.
Those of us who come here with an education into the workings of the mind, seem to think we can find the answers in one of our books or theories. I wish it were that easy.
Personally, I believe that there is no empirical evidence of Life Crisis, because each one is as different as it is similar. Hence many different definitions of it. It is long term. It is not biological. (Although it can be exasperated by hormones.)
I do not believe, based on the personal experiences that I have read and what I have lived, it is rooted in hormones. It is much deeper than that.
I watched you pointing to perimenopause as if that might be a rational explanation for her losing her mind. With MLC, the rational explanation really isn't there. With MLC, the logical becomes illogical and the illogical begins to make perfect sense.
We can understand components of MLC--depression, avoidance, coping skills (or lack of), hormones, but to understand the Monster part, is much harder. Although to be honest, I believe it is the anger part of it all.
MLCers have poorly developed coping skills. They project, they run, they avoid looking within for the answers, but that is where they will find them. That is the ONLY place they will find them.
The LBS, while we didn't cause the MLC, we do have to own our parts in our relationships. None of us was the perfect spouse. There are things we could have done differently and it is our responsiblity to work on that while they take their journey.
The best chance you have at being the Lighthouse that she will look to, is by becoming a better man.
As Mach said, your definition of success will change as you go through this. Right now, you want a reconciled M more than anything. That is what you view as successful.
I read that you also are going to be D, because she is pushing it through so quickly. You will probably never understand that. She will probably never truly understand what is motivating her. Some have to have their divorce. Some of them never file. That has very little to do with their real feelings about you or the marriage.
And it should not be the determining factor on YOUR choice to stand or not.
The focus, needs to be on you. And on your children. Your W, has to walk her own path for now. You can't save her or protect her from herself without getting burned. I know it doesn't sound right, and I know how heartbreaking it can be to watch...
Learn about MLC from a Beginner's Mind, not a therapists mind.
Ask questions, vent, be patient with yourself, and please understand, that no one here posts from malice or vindictivness. Just experience.
And I should say, I do tend to be a little bit blunt. I am pretty ok with that.
Originally Posted By: Thundarr
I don't claim to be different in any way, but in a way we all are. We are in the percentile that has to deal with this in their lives when others are blessed with families that are not put through this Hell. I pray we will all be rewarded one day.
One last thing...
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but I can also tell you I wouldn't trade this experience for the world.
God gives us what we can handle. He puts things infront of us so that we learn what we need to. When we learn those lessons, we are rewarded.
It may not look like what we envisioned, but we are rewarded.
Peace
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
