Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[Navyguy]

GB...thanks. I'm hoping that it is just another phase of piecing. Sometimes it's hard to fight off the feeling that she's not "becoming more accustomed" to me.

Denver...your comment made me think...I don't even know if my Whas ever considered that her "in love" feelings could come back...in fact, part of her seems to be actively fighting that.

[Sad_but_happy]

As we all know, love is a choice, not a feeling. We all choose to look past our partners faults and love them for who they are for better or worse.


It's easy to love in the "better", but true character and committment shine during the "worse". And it's in those moments that we CHOOSE to love the person we vowed to love.

The notion that love is a choice is only understood by people that are fully realized. And I believe many of us would never have understood this notion without this tragic WAS scinero. Including me...

But it's something positive we can all take to our future relationships.

And that IS a blessing.

Have a great weekend all...

[Denver_2010]

As we all know, love is a choice, not a feeling. We all choose to look past our partners faults and love them for who they are for better or worse.


It's easy to love in the "better", but true character and committment shine during the "worse". And it's in those moments that we CHOOSE to love the person we vowed to love.

The notion that love is a choice is only understood by people that are fully realized. And I believe many of us would never have understood this notion without this tragic WAS scinero. Including me...

But it's something positive we can all take to our future relationships.

And that IS a blessing.

Have a great weekend all...

^^^^^^

Absolutely.

[Denver_2010]

GB...thanks. I'm hoping that it is just another phase of piecing. Sometimes it's hard to fight off the feeling that she's not "becoming more accustomed" to me.

Denver...your comment made me think...I don't even know if my Whas ever considered that her "in love" feelings could come back...in fact, part of her seems to be actively fighting that.

Navy - I told my W just night before last that I think that she is actively fighting the possibility of allowing herself to fall back 'in love' with me. I have no idea why she is doing it, but I really don't think that she is giving it a chance to happen. Maybe subconscious selfish thing going on. I don't know.

[greenblue90]

Navy, Denver

I used to tell my wife the exact thing. It never got me anywhere. It probably made things worse. It's tough but just let things flow naturally let her reach out to you.

[25yearsmlc]

GB...thanks. I'm hoping that it is just another phase of piecing. Sometimes it's hard to fight off the feeling that she's not "becoming more accustomed" to me.

Denver...your comment made me think...I don't even know if my Whas ever considered that her "in love" feelings could come back...in fact, part of her seems to be actively fighting that.

Navy - I told my W just night before last that I think that she is actively fighting the possibility of allowing herself to fall back 'in love' with me. I have no idea why she is doing it, but I really don't think that she is giving it a chance to happen. Maybe subconscious selfish thing going on. I don't know.

Denver--I'd think fear is more likely.

Navy, at least your w said she's "Still not in that place yet" as in, as I read that,

she could be in the future.

It's a form of pressure to ask, but not unreasonable to want to know,

if she's actively fighting it. B/C if she is, it won't happen. I don't know what she fears from you Navy b/c you were NOT abusive and you are paying the price for either other men's behaviors or false memories of your w.


Either way, not your responsibility and very unfair to you and your family.

At some point she has to see the marriage as a partnership and not simply co-parenting. What does the DB coach say?

Does your w think it's okay for you to date OWs or she thinks a celibate marriage is fine forever for both of you? I'm curious.

Sorry her reason for going back into the bed wasn't what we hoped. But like I said, she didn't say she'd NEVER feel okay with affection. OTOH,

would it be so wrong to ask her if she's fighting those possible feelings?

Keep us posted.

[Navyguy]

25...thanks for the post, and welcome back. You were certainly missed by many on here. I started a new thread the other day with the latest update:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2173637#Post2173637

Things continue to improve since I put the bed in the basement and the associated talk that took place.

To answer your questions:

At some point she has to see the marriage as a partnership and not simply co-parenting. What does the DB coach say?

Does your w think it's okay for you to date OWs or she thinks a celibate marriage is fine forever for both of you? I'm curious.

I haven't worked with a DB Coach, but my IC has been very clear in pointing out that the current arrangement is completely unfair to me and is not (and possibly never was) a good marriage. I have pondered her expectations for "us" many times, but never asked her directly. We have both told each other that we don't want to live like this for the rest of our lives. No idea how she'd react to the dating thing...but I'm guessing it wouldn't be good.

When IC asked the same question, here's what I replied: "At this point I feel the potential upside of reconciling for myself and our kids outweighs the pain I am going through and the effects of seeing a bad marriage are having on our kids. If that scale tips the other way, that will be our breaking point".

Sorry her reason for going back into the bed wasn't what we hoped. But like I said, she didn't say she'd NEVER feel okay with affection. OTOH,

would it be so wrong to ask her if she's fighting those possible feelings?

I honestly don't think I need to ask. I am almost certain she is fighting those feelings...and feels like she is letting herself down if she doesn't. But, especially since the bed thing happened, she seems to be fighting them less and less. I have actually had moments in the past week where I felt like I was the one "keeping my distance". Weird.