Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[Cadet]

P.S. I am interested to know if Hearts Blessings post on the stages of MLC is an actual psychological theory and if so who's is it.
I am fascinated by how specific it seems to be and how i can see about where my W is in the process.

HB stages of MLC come from Jim Conway.
I must admit that HB, I feel, has written it much better that Conway,
but he provided the basis of it.(From the book Men in MLC).

I do not believe it is as of yet a psychological theory, DSM would be more than likely DEPRESSION.
But you are correct that the STAGES lay out a framework that repeats itself over and over.
Like I said in my first post to you, she is in replay.
And I feel no matter what I have said in the past that anything under 2-3 years from BD is replay.

MLC takes TIME.

[Mach1]

I am fascinated by how specific it seems to be and how i can see about where my W is in the process.

This actually made me chuckle....not AT you...

Stick around for a few years in the trenches, and see if you have that same fascination....


Although I certainly understand how you feel about that.

Becoming a student of the monster called MLC, will help you navigate through.

Just make sure you don't completely lose yourself in this process, that belongs to her....

[tested metal]

So the 1st bomb was dropped 1.5 yrs. ago, but she went into "remission" quickly therafter. Does that mean if you go by a timeline I am already 1.5 yrs.-2 yrs. into replay or does the clock start over again with this 2nd bomb? I realize that those are just guidelines and nothing is guaranteed, but I am looking for something to give me hope when things are looking bad.

[cat04]

Shell,

Not to be a downer or anything...

Use the stages to see where she is and drop the timeline all together...

My STBXH's first period of this...

he wanted to work it out about 2 years after the bomb.

His second go around started about 6 years later and it has now been 4 years since the bomb and he is still working on his stuff...

This isn't meant to depress you or make you think it is hopeless...

It isn't...

HB's stages, are meant as a guideline and is what she experienced (sort of)...

As a therapist, I would hope that you understand that this is something that she has to work through and that will only happen when she is ready...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Shell,

The ONLY problem with those stages is that upon seeing them WE, the LBS tend to order them into step 1, step 2, step 3...

1,2,3...done.

And that is not what happens here.

Anger, Replay, Denial, Anger, Denial, Replay, Denial, Replay...

It doesn't follow any path or any structure and the MLCer can revisit any of those stages many many times.

What should be giving you hope when things looks bad, is your own conviction to outlast her MLC.

[tested metal]

Thanks for the reality check all, the medicine tastes bad but was what I needed to hear. Got a consult with a atty. today and he also advised me not to move and that because i am spending all my nights with my D, the court is looking highly in my favor if W decides to go legal. Bad part is this is gonna be majorly costly if she decides to proceed. Hopefully after she consults with an atty. she will decide not to proceed. I am not sharing any of my legal advice with her and i did find the toughest SOB in the 3 counties!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Your lawyer is your attack dog.

You set the pace with him/her. There may be a time when you let the leash slip and let them drive...but for now, you hold the chain.

[tested metal]

He isn't my lawyer yet. I need $4,500 to retain him and I am broke. Don't know how W is going to afford her laywer either. But I consulted with him so he said he can't have W as a client. I don't want to do anything legal unless I have to/forced to, but will if need be. She apparently left a list of lawyers and stared one so i guess she probably at least called them. Oh well. I can't control that aspect so i am not going to worry about it. I am focusing on daughter and keeping a log as advised. I will get the money somehow if she decides to pursue.

[seeking answers]

SAH,

Many lawyers offer either free or cheap consultations. Anyone that you decide to consult with first, your W will not be able to retain.

Logic behind this is to consult with those that you've heard are vicious and she won't be able to retain them and use them against you if it goes that far.

Hopefully, it doesn't come to this, but it doesn't hurt to protect yourself.

[tested metal]

And she is cranking it up another notch! She is now theatening to take the daughter away and file for D if I don't move out. She is using the old "in this state courts favor the moms" attack. But she hasn't quite figured out how infidelity really hurts her in court, espcially when i have proof. I am sure her lawyer wasn't told about that part.

Anyone have a suggestion with the father and mother in law? I know i really shouldn't talk to them about this, but I want them to know that I am still fighting for the marriage and that the Daughter will always be available to them if they want to visit, no matter how ugly it gets.