I decided to pull this over here in order to not hijack Tadpole’s thread.
Originally Posted By: Thundarr
What's going on in most of our cases defies logic or reason and mimics several different DSM-IV diagnoses. I've come to think of this as a transient mental illness, aggravated in some magnitude by peri or maybe even underlying undiagnosed psychiatric problems.
That is quite a diagnosis…
A transient mental illness…aggravated by perimenopause or a psychiatric problem…
Let’s you completely off the hook, doesn’t it?
The trouble with that is, by blaming the wayward spouse for "going through this" , lets us fall into the victim role.
Being in the victim role, lets us spin ourselves as "perfect" along the way, garnering all the sympathy votes from friends, family , and well wishers...
Nice to feel all warm and fluffy with that, but does very little to help in the true work of the LBS.
Here is the deal, you need to let go of your education and everything that you think you know where this is concerned…
I too have a psychology background, I work with mentally challenged and mentally ill people every day of my life as a social services case manager…(yes all, there actually is a technical term for what I do…)
I will also tell you that I am going through perimenopause, have been for years, about 7 the doctors think (I‘m young to be experiencing it)…
I may be a little moody, ok some days a lot moody, but I do not believe that it is something that you should be looking at as the cause of your W’s problems…
Do not confuse perimenopause with MLC, the only thing they have in common is that they MAY occur at the same time.
You can’t fix her. You can’t fix this.
Yes, there are things you can do to make it worse and one of those things is to try to fit her into some “diagnosis” that makes sense to you. Because then you will try to “fix” her. It is your career field isn’t it?
Learn about MLC, or life crisis, as most of us who have been here a long time like to call it, because it can happen at any stage of adulthood, not just around 40…
THAT is what it is going to take for this to make any sense to you.
MLC is a monster all it’s own. It looks similar, but it as unique as each individual who is experiencing it.
Originally Posted By: Thundarr
I totally agree that I have to make changes with myself and once the pain, depression and anxiety subside I feel I will be able to do that.
You also know better than this. Those feelings that you are feeling aren’t just going to go away. You need to do things to make them go away.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Geez, Cat, I have to say I'm pretty perplexed by your post. Let me clarify a couple of things that I think may be miscontrued.
First off, I don't "fix" anybody. Never have, never will. I help people find solutions to their own problems. Most often they already have them but just don't know it. I have no way of fixing anyone, only helping them.
I have read extensively on MLC and I've run across several different definitions. I have the one by Heartsblessing on my desk as I type this as a matter of fact. It definitely fits my wife's behaviors and I have been able to use it to make a timeline going back at least a year and a half to when it likely started. Going by this, I could peg her being in Replay by last September if not earlier. The bad thing is that this means nothing unless you stick to the 2-5 year duration that many speak of. There is no scientific research to back up most of this, nor has there been extensive empirical research that would substantiate such a theory. Technically speaking, it really is just a hypothesis and will stay that way until someone develops a way to extensively test it and apply it to a large enough group to validate the research.
That being said, there's no argument that it does fit. But, it's more of a catch-all than one specific thing. For some women, peri may be the root and I've talked to several women who went through peri that have described their feelings and ations that are almost eerily similar to my W's. Their explanations of their emotions being "like a strobe light" and feelings towards their husbands are akin to what I see from my W. Peri can affect different women different ways as well and can start as early as 35 (my W is 41). Granted, I'm too close to the situation to make any kind of diagnosis as it would be flawed. I can only go off of other's observations as well as listening to people that have been through the tunnel.
Everything I've read about MLC also says that it has NOTHING to do with the LBS and everything to do with the MLCer. That's why your comment about "warm and fuzzy" kind of strikes me as odd. I have yet to read anything that says the LBS contributes to the MLC in any direct way. Please point me to the definitive defiinition if I'm missing something. I don't take a victim role, but I and my kids are negatively affected by this and we do not deserve it and neither do any of the other LBS and kids that I know of. We are suffering but we are survivors, and I see no harm in not blaming ourselves if we are not to blame.
To me it seemed the tone of your post was kind of vindictive for some reason, but it may be just my interpretation. My career is in Marriage and Family Counseling so it's natural that I would want to know everything I could about something in order to understand it. That is what will help me help others that are going through whatever this is. It is pure Hell and anything I can do to protect my kids and myself, and hopefully protect my W from herself, I will gladly do. I take my vows very seriously and will not abandon any of them in their hour of need. I feel my W is sick right now as her behaviors cannot be those of a sane, rational person. I believe this will pass but don't know what will happen on the other side. I am still in shock that things like this happen, and marriages can just end like this after so many years together and having kids together. It truly is tragic and astounging at the same time.
Thanks for your words of advice, and please know that I am as much a novice here as anyone. I want and need all the help I can get to survive this and hopefully reconcile with my W once she has done what she needs to do.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
I think (stress think) cat was worried that you might not feel like you should look at making changes in yourself.
From my own point of view, the 'smart' guys and gals worry me. There seems to be more: "I know...but (I'm different)"'s.
Quote:
I am still in shock that things like this happen, and marriages can just end like this after so many years together and having kids together.
It does happen, however, that doesn't mean you have to go gently into that good night.
Your convition, our determination, your vows, your patience, your anger, your despair, your word, your best and your worst...are all fuel. All fuel for the fire to make it as long as you can. To stand when what you envisioned your world to be is crumbling around you, to stand and spit back, "Is that all you got?"
Our character is defined when we are at our worst.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Different women are affected by peri/menopause in different ways. For some it is like a blip on the radar screen, barely noticable, others have very violent intense reactions. MLC is a combination of hormonal and childhood issues. Throw in a spark like a death in the family, sickness, illness, birth of a child, empty nest and you have the perfect storm and all you need for a MLC. Some depression is OVERT some is COVERT.
Normally trying to make a time line is what all newbies try to do. Big mistake. Replay is generally taken to begin at bomb drop. So your 2-5 years or maybe 3-11 years, would start then.
FTR Heart Blessings husband is finally finishing his crisis and it has been going on for about 12 years. She is a personal friend of mine and understand what you are reading here was written in 2002.
As Jack has pointed out to you stages do not necessarily go in order. Or as I see it the LBS does not always know all the details of what happens while the MLC'er is in the tunnel. Also there are variations of how it all works and to EXPECT it to turn out in any fashion is also a HUGE mistake.
My suggestion is start reading, studying, and you can make your own evaluations. Keep an open mind because as YOU say you are a novice in this.
BTW, CAT gives the best advice around so be careful there.
I have read extensively on MLC and I've run across several different definitions. I have the one by Heartsblessing on my desk as I type this as a matter of fact. It definitely fits my wife's behaviors and I have been able to use it to make a timeline going back at least a year and a half to when it likely started. Going by this, I could peg her being in Replay by last September if not earlier. The bad thing is that this means nothing unless you stick to the 2-5 year duration that many speak of. There is no scientific research to back up most of this, nor has there been extensive empirical research that would substantiate such a theory. Technically speaking, it really is just a hypothesis and will stay that way until someone develops a way to extensively test it and apply it to a large enough group to validate the research.
Thundarr...
It is one thing to read about it, and learn all that you can about MLC..
That much I agree with, and support you in..
It is a much different thing to LIVE it, day in and day out for the years that most of us have been dealing with it.
To SEE what it takes to be a success, that is not tied to what is on the ring finger of your left hand.
Most of us, that have been here and lived this , have seen everything and lived everythign that you have read in your books.
I will never discount your pain and what you are going through....
It is the toughest thing you will ever face in your life.
I would venture a guess that this.....
Originally Posted By: Thundarr
Listen to the advice on here, but try to filter out negativity because it creeps into every board. I've found it most helpful to listen to those either going through this now or who have successfully reconciled
...ruffled some fur, on the Cat's back....
What you see as negativity coming from (your version) of "un-successful" posters , is also a reality that they have LIVED through...
The advice that you read in the archives, is because someone LIVED through that, to put it out there to make someone's life -who came after them- a little easier.
Most of us, that are divorced here .. are that, because of it being OUR choice now, to live the life that was ahead of us, regardless the actions of our MLCers.
The reality is, ( not negativity) that you may one day have to make that choice for yourself.
Not one person here, that had to make that choice, did it lightly.
Most of us did it for our own self-preservation.
Most were simply not willing to sell ourselves, for the sake of a relationship.
It doesn't mean we took or take our vows any less seriously though.
Nobody here is against you...
You just didn't make a lot of new friends on the playground today with that post earlier.
Keep asking questions and you will still get answers here.
That being said, there's no argument that it does fit. But, it's more of a catch-all than one specific thing. For some women, peri may be the root and I've talked to several women who went through peri that have described their feelings and ations that are almost eerily similar to my W's. Their explanations of their emotions being "like a strobe light" and feelings towards their husbands are akin to what I see from my W. Peri can affect different women different ways as well and can start as early as 35 (my W is 41).
Mmmm ... maybe ... but I had a profound life crisis at 33 and I wasn't peri-menapausal. I just hated myself and my life and I thought that if everyone else would change, I'd be OK. Turns out I had it ar$e up.
Friend, you're wife is having some sort of life crisis. Respect her enough to let her have it. She'll never be OK if she doesn't go through this now, and hopefully work her way out to the other side.
While she's out there, live your life. You'll still be there if and when she comes out of it ... or not ... live your life and love her enough to let her do what she needs to do.
I apologize for any disrespect inferred from any of my posts, as I did not mean to take anything away from the valiant struggle that all are going through whether they stand or not. When I spoke of negativity I was referring to those who choose to be bitter and end up poisoning the newbies to give up and that their situation is hopeless, certainly not those who wish to give advice to help make anyone's road easier. All respect to those who pay it forward and try to help those of us who are just beginning this journey. I don't know where or if I will find the strength to make it as it begun when I was already greatly weakened.
Again, thank you to all who are contributing and helping me on this. My goal is to be able to carry this forward and help others as I am being helped. It's funny that after so many years of school to learn to help others, I am in the greatest need of my life. I truly feel like I am living in Hell on Earth.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Btw, I did feel attacked and ended up getting defensive. I am certainly not at my best right now and I can see how it looks like I lashed out somewhat. I don't claim to be different in any way, but in a way we all are. We are in the percentile that has to deal with this in their lives when others are blessed with families that are not put through this Hell. I pray we will all be rewarded one day.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
One last thing, I really have no choice in the D. It was filed before I was even told. I didn't get a chance to wait it out or be there to support my wife through it. She tossed me away like trash and treated me like something less than that. I doubt I will be able to maintain my resolve as long as I have those things fresh in my memory. I'm going to end up divorced without even being given a chance.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
