Divorce on the horizon?

[Mach1]

She told me last night that we need to keep everything strictly business because our emotions keep getting in the way. I thought she didn't have any. Atleast, according to her. To her, I am dirt and she KNOWS that she'll never love me again. Says that she wants to move on to a happier life.

Pretty normal projecting words from her Tad...

Maybe HER emotions keep getting in her way.

Maybe next time she spews this, just gently remind her that she has already stated her position on these things, and you understand how she feels.

Wish I could feel better soon.

You could always CHOOSE to feel better....???

When I see you at your worst times, it seems to follow an interaction with her, in which she projects her emotions onto her.

How can you break that chain ?

Your emotions are still very much tied to hers, and she pushes that button on you to get you to feel just as crappy as she does..

Do you know why she does this ?

Because...It works...


I think the whole "block" or "not block " , thing is getting way overplayed and diagnosed...

This is simple...

Does this type of contact affect you ?

From what I read, yes it does.

So what do you need to do for you?

If it were me, I would simply state to her that, You are taking some time for yourself, and will unavailable unless it pertains to , or is an emergency with your children.

Make it about what it is , instead of a punishment TO her.

This is for you Tad.


If you expect different results, then apply different approaches.



So.....What about the new job ?

[AJM]

Respectfully, I do not disagree with blocking the texts or anything that allows you to rest and gain perspective Tad. Seriously. I know exactly where you are/have been. I've been there amigo. Every word, every step with the exception that mine didn't even leave the bedroom for three months after I told her I wouldn't fight her about getting a divorce any longer. She moved out several months after that. In part, I believe, to protect herself from me going after her for her child support. That's the extent of what some will go to.

The rest? Exactly. Still going on now. I got served over a week ago, and she is still trying to pick a fight. Go figure.

When she left, she did very similar stuff. You lost weight. You look great. You should change those pants for these. We will always be friends. You're a bastard! You're an as****le!. This is the best thing for me. I want to move on and be happy. I never loved you. I will always love you.

Tad, the list of things she said/did go on. She "said" many things and she "did" many things. Much was counter to the other.

One thing: she did communicate how she felt at that moment in time...sometimes. Still tries.

I don't listen, not because I don't care Tad. Not because of the divorce. But because she is only trying to hurt me. She even tries to use the kids to hurt me. I won't allow that at any cost. She still tries.

Why? Who the hell knows Tad? I love a good mystery as much as the next guy, but I can't solve this one. Not gonna happen.

My therapist, when I was seeing one, mentioned to me once: you will be long done and then she will decide what she wants.

Know what? She was right. But know what else? That haunted me for a very long time. I am now able to see it though. I am ready to understand what she meant. I am ready to face many of the the other thins exW did along the way that I previously wasn't Tad.

Know what else? I changed focus to me and I am quite happy about that. Once I was able to reduce the conversation and realize that a normal and healthy person doesn't attack like this feral dog of a woman (notice I didn't say b**ch things became much clearer. I say that to answer your question about putting a label on the situation such as MLC. Too much debate as to what that means. But are they crazy? You bet your sweet a** they are! AT LEAST TOWARD YOU they are. And that is what matters. That is why you need to put the distance between you and let her go. You are radioactive to her. You didn't have to do anything to her, but you are getting the blame regardless. I'd say that makes her radioactive toward you as well.

You can not do anything right in her eyes right now.

The repeating? Check. Still happens now if I let it. I control that much like I control my reactions when dealing with a 4 year old. It reminds me often why I mention that it's like my exW had an emotional stroke.

Be good amigo! Think about the perspective.

AJ

[Thundarr]

I love your post, AJM, and I really feel like you're at a much better place than Tad and I are right now even though we're working on it. Your perspective is spot on that a normal, sane person does not attack another like this. Relationships and marriages can break up without one party becoming absolutely vile and volatile, and I've seen several where the two parties remained friends throughout the D and co-parented together well. What's going on in most of our cases defies logic or reason and mimics several different DSM-IV diagnoses. I've come to think of this as a transient mental illness, aggravated in some magnitude by peri or maybe even underlying undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I know my own W struggled with anxiety and panic attacks a few years ago that made her unable to drive for several months but seemed to have gone away. I expect them to be triggered again at some point.

It's funny you use the term "radioactive." I've often compared the way my W sometimes acts like she would die if she were physically ten feet or less from me and won't even look at me when she's talkig. I compare it to Superman and kryptonite. She's only like that sometimes, though, and her body language is very telling when she is. She literally backs away if I move an inch closer, almost like I'm getting ready to hit her or something. Truly weird.

[Cadet]

She literally backs away if I move an inch closer, almost like I'm getting ready to hit her or something. Truly weird.

NOPE not weird at all, she is in PAIN and if you were in PAIN and someone came close to you and tried to HELP you would back off too.

Try reading the pursuit and distance thread, that might also give you some insight.

[broken5150]

Hi Tundarr,

I’m sorry for your troubles friend, but you couldn’t of come to a better place for advice and support.

Our stories are similar. Especially when it comes to the change of appearance and the venom spewing. During this stage which I believe is “Replay”, you will notice allot of anger and hatred towards you. I know it hurts my friend but it’s very important to NOT take this personal. I know it’s hard not to but, you must put yourself in this frame of mind. It took me almost 8 months to apply this to myself. It does help.

You have a great advantage that I WISH I had, you have your kids. I don’t. In my situation, since we lived in her mother’s home, she decided to have me leave while she keeps our kids. Actually, it’s her mother babysitting the kids while she goes clubbing, skating, partying, drinking etc etc etc. I visit them every day, but since, I’m currently living with my dad due to financial reasons and I can’t bring the kids over because it’s an adult community.

I have done the begging, crying, pleading, bargaining, the list goes on and it does NOT work. One thing I can tell you that does work for me would be going “dark”. When I’m constantly on my wife texting, calling or looking for answers, the angrier and nastier she gets. It’s like giving her a shot of GAMMA RADIATION! Lol! When I don’t contact her or text her for a couple of days, she starts sending me pics of the kids, smiley face emoticons and other little things to get my attention.

At the beginning, when this whole thing started, I was going to church for a band rehearsal and was praying to God asking him to please give me an answer to what’s going on. When I got to the church parking lot, I was talking to my mother in law when my wife walked the house. She saw that her mother was talking to me and my wife got furious! She took the phone from her mother and THOUGHT she hung it up. I was about to hang up and I felt a little voice in me scream “STOP! DON’T HANG UP!” I just sat listened…Then I heard it…She was talking to her mother about some guy that she was texting. I overheard the conversation of how he loves her body and all the things he would like to do to it. AND HER MOM IS CHEERING HER ON!

imagine that! I prayed and I got my answer!

I’ve been with my wife since 1990. During our years together, she became VERY overweight. Around 5 years ago, she had a weight loss procedure. She had lost allot of weight but had allot of loose skin. 3 years ago, she had a tummy tuck and breast augmentation. As soon as she healed from the plastic surgery, she went WILD posting herself on Facebook and trying to contact old friends. (She wanted to show off her new figure). When I saw that she contacted an old friend and I asked her why, she claimed that HE made the first contact. Little did she know that I already read HER first contact emails. That’s when I realized something was wrong. My wife is starting to lie to me.

She was always a very jealous person and very insecure in the past. We would get into arguments when I would want to go to my friends house just to play some XBOX. Now, SHE wants to go out with her friends, drink, party and have NO ONE to tell her otherwise. And, SHE IS OBSESSED WITH HER LOOKS! TEXT BOOK NARCISSM! Of course, her mother is loving it! Her and I never got along because she was a control FREAK and she comes from a history of TWO divorces.

So Imagine that! I get stuck with an MLC wife that has my kids and a supporting mother in law. Please read my thread for a detailed explanation.

The best advice I can give you is to please take VERY good care of yourself. This is not YOUR problem. Its hers! Our wives journey has NO room for us.

During my free time, I have gotten reacquainted with old friends and joined a men’s group at church. I spend every moment I can with my kids and I’m in constant prayer for my wife and family.

Please, listen to YOUR heart and what it tells you. DO NOT LISTEN TO OUTSIDE SOURCES! Since most probably those outside sources are your friends and family, most likely they are hurt for what you are going through and they will tell you how to handle your situation as if it were happening to THEM! I’ve been told to divorce, date, have revenge sex with someone else etc etc. You have to heal and go about your journey on YOUR own time. Not theirs.

Right after my bomb drop, I told a friend of mine what happened. He told me it sounded like she was going through a midlife crisis. He gave me a page to read on the net and sure as HECK my wife was a text book case of it. After reading and researching, I found that there is hope, Thundarr.

Sometimes our denial doesn’t accept that this is happening to us and we think that we can either “fix” or “help” them on their journey. The more I read and become familiar with this thing called MLC, the more I am able to cope and handle my situation day by day.

I hope this might be a glimmer of hope for you, but my wife HAS tamed down from the way she was when this first started. She is staying more at home and being the way she was with the kids. She is becoming a little nicer and not as RABID as she was before. For the last 6 months, she claims that the divorce papers are at the lawyers waiting to be served. I have gotten nothing yet. The first time I asked her about our marriage, she said it was over and there is no hope. The last time I asked her, she sent a smiley face on text. (Dude, its better than being called a “a worthless pathetic excuse for a human being”)

Here is the key thing on how to handle little signs of hope…Accept them at face value. Don’t think anything of it because the MLCers cycle allot and have mood swings. If you get your hopes up, it will just set you up for a harder fall the next time she Hulks out on you. Look at it this way…Its like looking at an empty pool. You are not going to dive in the moment a little bit of water gets in it. No, you WAIT until the pool is full, THEN you jump in.

We’ve only been dealing with this for a short time my friend. Look at all the other posts here. They are written by people that have been dealing with this for 4,5, even 6 years and are STILL fighting the good fight.

Please, don’t ever look at yourself or these good people as “weak” for standing for what they think is right. Look upon it as a testimony of faith. As for myself, I can’t let 20 go down the drain like that. My family is worth the wait. And at the end, if she doesn’t return, I can walk away knowing that what I did, was right.


Best of luck and most of all, PATIENCE!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Some comments:

Your emotions are still very much tied to hers, and she pushes that button on you to get you to feel just as crappy as she does..

Does she feel crappy though? She's telling me and everyone how happy she is.

So.....What about the new job ?

I've got a second interview Monday. I'm hopeful.

I say that to answer your question about putting a label on the situation such as MLC. Too much debate as to what that means. But are they crazy? You bet your sweet a** they are! AT LEAST TOWARD YOU they are. And that is what matters. That is why you need to put the distance between you and let her go. You are radioactive to her. You didn't have to do anything to her, but you are getting the blame regardless.

Thanks AJ. Has anyone ever had a spouse say that they want to agree and be civil? I know I've lost my cool a few times, but she hasn't been very civil either.

I've come to think of this as a transient mental illness, aggravated in some magnitude by peri or maybe even underlying undiagnosed psychiatric problems.

Could this all just be menopause?

NOPE not weird at all, she is in PAIN and if you were in PAIN and someone came close to you and tried to HELP you would back off too.

Yeah, before she moved out, she got further and further from me in bed. There were times that I wondered what kept her from falling off.

She continues to let everyone know that she is getting divorced and how happy she is. Doesn't seem miserable at all.....

Tad

[Mach1]

I will answer what you addressed towards me.....

Thanks everyone. Some comments:

Your emotions are still very much tied to hers, and she pushes that button on you to get you to feel just as crappy as she does..

Does she feel crappy though? She's telling me and everyone how happy she is.

Most will tell you through experience, that an MLCer will wear a public mask to disguise the hurt that they feel inwardly.

I will go back to the analogy of telling an alcoholic that they are, and then listen to them deny it, the top of their lungs that they are not.

Most people that I have talked to , and everything that I have learned, tells me that even though they declare happiness outwardly, they are quite miserable inside.

One thing to back my theory is that my Ex said the same things to me, and I believed that for a while, right up 'til an email between her and my sister ( declaring how miserable she was) fell into my lap one day....

I had a conversation, with a recovering MLCer one night, and one of the things she told me, was that she HAD to go out and put on that "happy" face , because staying at home with her own devices, was NOT an option.....

So.....What about the new job ?

I've got a second interview Monday. I'm hopeful.

Kick a$$ bro.....you deserve that !!!

[seeking answers]

Tad,

Right now she may not be miserable. She's on her freedom high. She's shouting it from the rooftops. That only lasts so long and then reality sets in. Usually in the form of consequences for their choices. They find out OPs aren't perfect after all and that the grass really was not greener.

Now, do you think after all the proclaiming she did about how happy she is about getting D'd that when the fog starts to clear and the reality of her choices set in that she will just let her misery show? Nope, that's where you'll see the mask. You may be aware that it slips once in a while but she'll wear it until she hits rock bottom.

Could this all just be menopause?

No. I'm not saying that hormones are not involved, because sometime menopause may trigger a MLC, but this goes much deeper than that.

It is usually associated with the MLCer's childhood/teen years where something traumatic happened or a situation that the child didn't have the tools to deal with it at the time. The MLCer goes back to it and hopefully deals with it this time through. It's why we ask what their childhood was like. And it's why we say you didn't break them and you can't fix them. It happened long before you entered the picture. It's also why it seems to take such a long time for them to come through.

Think of your teenagers and how they change from 13 through 20.

Tad, your focus has to come off her. If/when she comes through her crisis and wants to come back and you let her, what you're going through now is going to look like a cakewalk unless you truly have worked on yourself and are prepared for R. Even then, piecing is the toughest part of all of this.

For now, let her go. Let her walk her path. You walk yours. Maybe someday those paths will meet again. In the meantime, put you focus and work on being the best Tad you can be.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Mach and Seeking. I tend to believe it is the way you stated. Here is a question that you may not be able to answer though:

Does she KNOW something is wrong with her?

Also, Seeking you said:

Maybe someday those paths will meet again.

She actually said this to me recently. Said that she didn't want to give me hope, but you never know.

Any idea why she would even say this?

Tad

[seeking answers]

Tad,

MLC = Confusion.

She may realize that she feels differently, but most will tell you that there is nothing wrong with them.

It also does you no good to try and explain to them what you think is wrong with them. It just makes them very angry and you will be blamed once again.

You can't speed a MLC up, but you can definitely slow it down by getting in their way. Step back as she flies by.