Divorce on the horizon?

[tadpole1025]

She specializes in hurting me.

I specialize in letting her.

She has been sending me texts for the last hour telling me how she wants a D without a single doubt and how she is okay with it because she knows that she will never love me again.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

[a girl]

Block her texts. For a while. You need a break.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Tad, what I've learned so far:

Let her do the work of divorce. She wants it, she can have it, but not with your help or approval. If she's hell bent on it, let her do the heavy lifting.
Sit back relax watch the "fun" and take the stress off yourself. There is nothing you HAVE to do here.
Let go and let God Tad.

Focus on the control of you.

As for her hurtful words they're just words. (Believe none of what they say, half of what they do...remember?)
They hurt because they were a direct slap meant to take aim at your self-worth and value. She wanted to hurt you, if she didn't care she wouldn't have wanted to hurt you either.

You have value Tad, you matter and you know you have much to contribute to the world and others and she can't take that.
There are others that DO love you, care for you, support you and want the best for you.

[warriorshadow]

Tad,
I have been were you are now and it sure does not seem like it
but it will get better. You have been given great advice from
some great people here. You will make it buddy.

Until you TRULY get it in your head that your W is not well,
you will fight yourself on this over and over.

This whole process takes time. A LOT of time. Many here have been down this same path. Keep working at it.

It really does not matter what your W is saying or doing.

That IS the counter intuitive part of this.

WS

[warriorshadow]

Edit: were=where

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Girl, SC and WS.

I'm wondering though. Has anybody here had a spouse that was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE they weren't in love and ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE they wanted a divorce and didn't end in divorce?

I'm just wondering if I should be bothering even having hope for my marriage.

She is so stubborn and hell-bent on this.

Tad

[beatrice]

Tad, you are continuing to obsess. No-one and I repeat, NO-ONE knows the final outcome. A wonderful lady Holly posted here for a long time, and occasionally updates. Her h divorced her and they are now rebuilding their relationship. It can happen.

BUT and here is the kicker. She is coming up to six years post bomb. That is how long it can take - or longer.

Divorce isn't the issue, MLC is. This is not 'normal' WAS, as far as I can see. She has to fix herself in any way she can, and it may be that divorce is part of the process. When and if she comes out of MLC she will be changed. And so will you.

You said you want to a great dad, in a previous post. What specific things are you doing towards that? What about starting a family activity, either with each one separately or all together. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it should be fun, and need your time and commitment. An evening a week playing a board game works for younger kids, Hiking, learning to ice-skate as a family, learning to cook new foods together . . . .

Six years on my kids respect me for not falling apart, for being there for them and doing stuff with them. They are adults, and i really value what we now have. Many traditional couples do not the kind of relationship that I have with my kids. I am very blessed We have created our new family without my dear, much loved and much missed xh. New Christmas rituals and so on. As they say, the longest journey starts with a single step. If you can't do it for yourself yet, do it for your kids, they deserve it. I am still learning [nearly 6 years post bomb] how much my kids were hurt. You may feel you have the world on your shoulders, but you need to stay strong for your kids.

There are choices in life. By running away MLCers make bad choices, but you can make good ones. Everyone who survives this is immensely enhanced. Everyday is a choice as to how yo live your life. If you backslide one day, get back on track when you can.

And please stop obsessing about your wife, and focus on you and your kids. You can do something there, but you can do nothing about your wife.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Beatrice. Very helpful. As for being a better dad, I'm spending much more time with them, doing activities together and I've been playing a few games with my S16. (He's my youngest.) He's got me hooked on a computer game right now.

Today is a better day. Afterall, it is Little Friday.

Thought that I would just come here and vent/journal a little. W really hurt me last night. I thought that I was passed all of that. She said some really mean and hateful things to me. The scary thing is that I think she actually means them. On the other hand, sometimes I think she really does care. Weird huh?

I'm also getting tired of hearing about all of these "last opportunities" after the fact. That tells me though that she isn't 100% sure. Or...is just confused as hell.

Everyone tells me that the OM is just a symptom. Is that really true? I think if she hadn't met him, that maybe she would still be here.

I also wonder if when we tell ourselves that "they are crazy" or "its a crisis" if we are just telling ourselves that to make each other feel better.

I guess that I'm just hurt and wondering if there is any hope at all because she is just so damn determined to D. She has told me numerous times that the "original" plan was to just seperate, but then "the way I behaved" changed her mind. EVERYTHING is my fault.

I still worry about all of the mistakes that I made in the beginning and some of them that I continue to make. I read somewhere that the MLCer remembers how they were treated. Well, in the beginning, I sent some pretty loving emails, but also some very hateful ones. Knowing my W, she probably kept the hateful ones so she could read them again and justify her actions. I am such a fvck up.

She told me last night that we need to keep everything strictly business because our emotions keep getting in the way. I thought she didn't have any. Atleast, according to her. To her, I am dirt and she KNOWS that she'll never love me again. Says that she wants to move on to a happier life.

She says that she is sad because we can't be friends. Really? She doesn't want to be my friend.

I'm trying to stay busy and get things done around here and get things done for our mediation on the 10th. I pray that my interview goes well on Monday. I need to get out of this house and keep my mind occupied.

I still love her dearly, but my God, she has changed. I don't really know her anymore. Maybe I'm in love with the "old" W.

MHL says that my W is the poster child for MLC. Maybe she is, but maybe she is also just DONE.

She told me last night that yes, she loved me and adored me in May of 2010, but by August she didn't. I wonder why.....oh she joined an internet dating site in July.

Wish I could feel better soon.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

I think it's time to block her text messages, Tad. She is doing nothing but tearing you apart through them.

I know you have kids and legal issues to deal with, but there are ways to handle this stuff apart from text messages. What did people do 10 years ago? They sure negotiated this stuff without texts. And 20 years ago? It was handled without email.

I teach writing for a living and have done so for almost 20 years. People have an enormous sense of confidence to say what they might not ever say if they have the ability to email or text. They can be more rude, more confrontational, more ballsy by far if they don't have to actually SPEAK to the person face to face. BLOCK HER WRITTEN ACCESS TO YOU. You're not cutting her off; you're protecting yourself and eliminating her primary means of attack.

I agree with you, you're in love with the "old" W. She is a monster now, and unrecognizable. Any time she says something that makes you think she cares, you can't really believe it, because that is tempered with about 10 things that reflect the opposite.

How do you deal with her if you block her texts or email? You seet the tone/rules, Tad. You tell her that you will speak to her with civility on the phone if necessary to deal with legal stuff. If she says ONE THING that attacks you, you say "I'm going to have to end this conversation. Goodbye."

If she cannnot learn how to be civil to you, then she needs to communicate with you via an intermediary. Do you have any friends or relatives who can be impartial who can just relay messages back and forth? When I went to the intermediary, my XH's messages went from attack to nice as pie. Why? Because he knows someone is WATCHING.

AND, I don't retaliate with sadness or hurt. Why? Because someone is watching.

I can't believe it, but I'm gonna quote Dr. Phil here. He's always saying that you teach people how you want to be treated.

How do you want to be treated, Tad? With respect? With dignity? Then start demanding it. You don't love her less if you do this. You love her the same. You simply love yourself too much to keep being her punching bag.

You are DBing. Why? Because you're setting boundaries, you're sticking to them, you're stopping pursuit, you're getting out of her way, and you're letting her life her life while doing what you can to repair yours.

And in the end, believe me, you will be a stronger man than you have EVER been because of what you're going through.

The time for her to see that if she ever wants to is LATER. When she's out of her fog, if she is, and when you're the man you really want to be. But not now, because she isn't capable of seeing anything past her own fog right now.

So really, block the texts. What would your life be like if you removed all of them from this past week? Think of that. Let that motivate you.

[Thundarr]

I actually disagree with blocking the texts. I would ask what was her real intent for sending them though, and was she really telling this to you or to herself. I would just detach as best you can and delete any negativity from your memory banks along with the text message. I could see blocking texts and emails as controlling from her perspective. My W unfriended me from FB but must have forgotten she gave me all her passwords several months ago. I've checked it a few times even though I know I shouldn't and haven't found anything on there that bothers me so I'm sure it was just another space-creating thing for her. I know she did accuse me of blocking her emails a few weeks ago and seemed really ticked about it, but I explained my account had been cut off due to cutting off the cable. She didn't accept that answer, even after it was reactivated when we had the cable turned back on.

But, yeah, the problem isn't the text messages it's how you respond to them. She'll always find a way to hurt you if you give her the power. Blocking one method won't make it stop.