It's been awhile since I posted on my thread. I was inadvertently posting on Talk’s thread for a short time before being reminded that I have my own thread to post within, so, here I am. Approx a week after Talk stopped posting, I stopped as well. Everything seemed fine between Talk and I, but we were really in a holding pattern b/c I wasn’t talking about our past, my behavior or Talk’s feelings. I wasn’t posting and I wasn’t communicating on a deep level with my W, which led to another hic-up, once again, at an airport; Talk and I went to Florida on a business trip. We got into an argument when trying to find our luggage before clearing customs. Long story short, W was upset with the situation, then became short with me, I retaliated verbally and then tried to control her with verbal orders (i.e. stop moving and follow-me). The only thing that saved my bacon was that we were meeting my co-worker for a connecting flight, so W was forced to put on a brave face.
In the end, we had a great trip, but my W is really hurt that I didn’t discuss our situation. My problem continues to be poor communication; not thinking before speaking and being verbally abusive. I know I’m lucky that my W is still with me and I want to stop wasting my life, and my W's life, b/c I can't communicate.
I’ll admit it; I don’t want to discuss sensitive issues with my W b/c I always end up freaking out, which makes the situation worse. That being said, I’m losing my W b/c I don’t discuss real issues. Also I react quickly, too quickly to write things down.
Besides writing, which I will use when the situation permits, do you have any advice to assist me when I feel compelled to lash out verbally?
Do you think Talk would be willing to work with you on just PORTIONS of bigger problems, a little bit at a time...?
If you put it out there, from what I've read of her's, I think maybe she would...
The fact that you two aren't getting worse (in your opinion), suggests to me that she might still be willing...
All you can do is put it out there... and offer your FEELINGS when you do... LET HER KNOW that you are SCARED to talk about these things or that you are EMBARRASSED or what ever the feelings that are holding you back from breaching the "tough" talks... it might help that you show your soft, underbelly of vulnerable...
I think any amount of constructive communication will be positive. I can't speak for Talk. All I know is that she's still lives with me, that she's stopped trying to fix me and that she still loves me....but the love light shines far dimmer than it used to.
I don't expect Talk to jump for joy b/c we have one good talk. I know I've hurt her far too many times, and she's really conflicted about staying in the relationship. She's told me that she feels less, gullible, almost stupid when she gets her hopes up. Those words are hard to hear coming from my W b/c I know she thinks carefully before speaking. In my opinion, we are getting worse b/c I continue to relapse.
That being said, I'm going to focus on my issues and not try to read my W's mind; I'm not that intuitive.
I'm assuming that when you say "portions of a bigger problem" you mean the latest issue.
I've also been told to "man up" and own my mistakes.
I'm not sure, Herb... but you might want to check out piecing... both of you appear to be willing to work on the M, so there might be some ways to broach the "talks" and break them into manageable portions...
And you're right... one good talk is not the end... many, many, many one good talks will start the ball rolling in a good direction, we hope...
Portions of the bigger problem are first, the BIG problem... the M and making it work... so small chunks of that... and then portions of each of those "bigger" problems being reduced into small little baby steps... mapping it out may or may not help to be clear in working on each specific portion, otherwise conversation could be all over the place...
I don't know... I haven't pieced and frankly don't expect to, but that's how I understand the process...
And I think we can "man up" and still show that we're vulnerable... owning our mistakes are good... so long as you aren't owning hers... and I'm sure she'll own hers if she sees them...
I went to IC tonight. We discussed the issue of learning how to react, or not react, when dealing with what I consider to be confrontational comments made by my W.
I accept full responsibility for reacting poorly to what I perceive to be hurtful comments. Ultimately, it is my responsibility to act in a supportive, loving manner, regardless of the situation.
I've been unfaithful in the past and verbally abusive for most of my marriage; I'm lucky that my W is still with me. My W's out-of-the-blue comments, which cause me so much angst, should therefore be expected, and I should be better prepared to respond in a mature, loving manner. In truth, my W's comments are not hurtful; that's simply mercy perception and lack of confidence coming through.
I'm not sure why I choose to confront, vice diffuse. It certainly upsets my W, and I find it difficult to understand why I keep repeating this behavior.
Last night, my W and I discussed my IC session. She's skeptical that I can keep myself in check by not reacting in a confrontational manner when she questions me or asks me a question that I think is inappropriate.
I can’t say as I blame her for doubting me given my past behavior. It’s important for me to react in a respectful manner, vice resorting to my usual, aggressive manner.
Your W is likely going to be skeptical for longer than you might think, before she is going to be comfortable believing any changes in you (no matter how slight) are real and permanent.
All you can do is keep practicing. And like learning to ride a bike, expect to fall a couple times and... get up, dust yourself on, and get back on the bike...
I agree. In the past, my short memory has been a significant enabler in keeping the negative cycle in perpetual motion.
It makes sense that this process will take time due to the length and severity of the abuse.
Also, it’s important to support my W through positive reinforcement when she feels insecure, regardless of how ‘wild” I consider her remarks to be. I’m not blaming. My W has a gigantic heart; the issues are mine to own.
