Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[25yearsmlc]

Navy,

Keep doing what your doing. She is giving signs of wanting a R back....

Absolutely good stuff. TAKE IT SLOW...I don't know how to make it all work

but a good way to screw things up now, would be to rush it.

Something you're doing is working. Keep at it. Keep expectations low (short term anyhow),

b/c I think there's progress here for the long run. I also think

that her schooling is a way for her to feel another sense of purpose. Sometimes depression is a form of feeling purposeless....


Sometimes even moms need an additional feeling of value and use.

When they get their recharge, they come up for air and are better able to give to others.

Excellent interchange with her about d5.

Not about w, but about the d. Good...good stuff Navy. Keep at it, slowly rebuilding...

but I think some GAL is still in order.

Hang in there!!

[Navyguy]

Hey Navy. I'm curious what you see in my sitch that I am getting that you would love to get from your W. I don't see it.

Denver: I know things aren’t exactly rosy for you right now, and I know you are dealing with an OM where I am not, but here’s a few things I have noticed:

Your W has initiated physical contact with you (hugs, kisses, touches). I get absolutely nothing.

Your W tells you how she's feeling and has been fairly straight forward with you with where she's at. Mine never tells me anything...I am left guessing. I have no idea what her intent for us is right now. If she’s in a bad mood I have no idea if it’s something I did or something else.

Your W has the word reconcile in her vocabulary. Mine has not once said that she’d even consider it.

[Navyguy]

25: You are dead on with school giving her a sense of purpose. Very important to her.

Last night was interesting.

W seemed to be in a crappy mood when I got home. Lots of one-word answers...didn't want to talk to me. It bothered me, but I didn't react.

After we got the kids in bed, W went outside to smoke, and I decided I'd go out and try talking to her. I sat down, made some small talk, and then asked her if she was doing ok.

She said she was fine, then told me she hates school. She went on to clarify that she doesn't like her speech class. She has been dreading taking speech for years, she gets extremely nervous speaking in front of people.

We moved on to some other topics...my work, her fingernails, whether or not bugs have ears, etc, etc. We continued to talk for about an hour...laughing, having fun, (connecting?)

Then it was getting late. I told her to have a good night and as I was saying it I purposely tapped my foot on the bottom of her shoe a couple times. Oops. She responded with an awkward "okay". Once again the minor physical contact seems to have bitten me in the @$$. I then got up and went inside and went to bed. She came to bed a few minutes later. I was figuring that she might go sleep with D5, but she didn't.

It's now been a full week since she's been back sharing our bed. I still have no idea if it means anything or not. It will be interesting to see how things go this weekend.

[Navyguy]

Well…the last few days have felt like the “4 steps back”.

Things have been very hard on me. W has been extremely warm and cold. It’s like almost every time I initiate a conversation, I get the one-word answers and she acts annoyed by just about anything I say…almost to the point where she seems offended that I talked to her or asked her a question. But, when she wants to talk to me, she does so and is nice.

After ~10 days of her being back in our bed, Tuesday night W slept on the couch. We were up pretty late watching TV and then I went to bed. I chalked this one up to her just falling asleep on the couch.

Wednesday night W slept in D5’s bed. Our power went out right as we were putting the kids to bed, so they were scared. I chalked that one up to W comforting D5.

Last night W slept on the couch again. Getting to the point where I'm thinking this isn’t a coincidence.

Something is making her pull back…I’m not sure what.

[greenblue90]

Hey navy
Been lurking your thread.

I too am in that part of piecing dealing with bed arrangements and such. Seems to me like she is still on a pendulum between yes and no. I'd back off and keep DBing.

Sounds like she knows she wants to stay but has a hard time understanding why. Keep conflict to a minimum, give her space, and enjoy the little gems of happiness. During piecing it is common for the former LBS to try to hurry the former WAS this will just cause her to relapse. I know this from personal experience. Some issues may still be lingering, you'll have to deal with these on her timeline and her terms. She may not be ready to lower her defenses, just in case things go wrong. Any attempt by you, to get her to lower them no matter how good intentioned will fail.

[Navyguy]

W is still back on the couch. I asked her the other night why she moved back out of our bed (caveated that I was not trying to pressure her into coming back, but just wanted to know because I didn't understand).

Her response: "I didn't move back into our bed because I've had a change of heart. D5 had become dependent on me sleeping in bed with her and I don't want that so I stopped sleeping in her bed. Then I noticed that you were touching my foot the other night and I felt like you were trying to test the waters, and I'm still not in that place."

I replied "ok, I was just wondering. good night" and then I went to bed.

I honestly don't know what I was feeling when I touched her foot. Maybe I was testing the waters...I do know I am absolutely starved for affection/touch from another person. Maybe I was hoping for more...but I don't think I was expecting anything. Honestly at this point I would be completely thrilled with a hug or holding hands or even a pat on the back.

[greenblue90]

Clearly your W is in the "feelings of love should happen naturally" mindset. My W went through this too. She's waiting for her emotions to tell her she is in love. While in this stage any reaching out by you will make her question if she is in love enough to accept your gesture. In her mind even having to ask the question means she is not in love. Since she still holds out to this notion that love should be automatic. My best advice is to stop reaching out for an R with her. Just be fun, and pleasant, and do fun stuff with her and the kids. Build some good memories where she is in no way pressured to decide if she loves you. Hopefully with time she'll become more accustomed to you, and start seeking your affection.

Don't test the waters, let her do it. In my sitch 3 months ago she started by sitting close enough to me on the couch that our legs lightly touched. I tried not to make a big deal and just enjoyed the contact. She has since then slowly escalated, with occasional relapses.

Like all aspects of piecing this on her timeline not yours.

I know you want more reassurance, after all you two have been through,
I'm sure you want to confirm that you are still making progress. Just remember this is just another pursuing behavior, and will drive her away again.

[Denver_2010]

Clearly your W is in the "feelings of love should happen naturally" mindset. My W went through this too. She's waiting for her emotions to tell her she is in love. While in this stage any reaching out by you will make her question if she is in love enough to accept your gesture. In her mind even having to ask the question means she is not in love. Since she still holds out to this notion that love should be automatic. My best advice is to stop reaching out for an R with her. Just be fun, and pleasant, and do fun stuff with her and the kids. Build some good memories where she is in no way pressured to decide if she loves you. Hopefully with time she'll become more accustomed to you, and start seeking your affection.

Don't test the waters, let her do it. In my sitch 3 months ago she started by sitting close enough to me on the couch that our legs lightly touched. I tried not to make a big deal and just enjoyed the contact. She has since then slowly escalated, with occasional relapses.

Like all aspects of piecing this on her timeline not yours.

I know you want more reassurance, after all you two have been through,
I'm sure you want to confirm that you are still making progress. Just remember this is just another pursuing behavior, and will drive her away again.

My W is here too. However, she seems to be leaning towards giving up on thinking that the 'in love' feelings will come back.

Interesting post green.

[greenblue90]

Denver
There's chemical love, and true love. WAW's are addicted on the chemical love. Your body automatically pumps you full of feel good drugs with every new OM. That's why sometimes giving affairs time works. The chemicals wear off the fog lifts and they are left staring at the consequences of their actions.

In truth your W is right she'll never get the butterflies in the stomach. That's not a problem as long as she recognizes that true love which you provide is much more valuable.

[greenblue90]

Denver
There's chemical love, and true love. WAW's are addicted on the chemical love. Your body automatically pumps you full of feel good drugs with every new OM. That's why sometimes giving affairs time works. The chemicals wear off the fog lifts and they are left staring at the consequences of their actions.

In truth your W is right she'll never get the butterflies in the stomach. That's not a problem as long as she recognizes that true love which you provide is much more valuable.