I DB'd 2 years agao when my wife had an affair and wanted to seperate. It worked... Now of course I have had an affair. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Obviously we had issues we did not resolve. But I can't believe I did this terrible thing. So now I am trying to DB from the other side of the coin. What an idiot I am. We've been married 13 years and have 3 wonderful kids. They are a mess, as I move into an apartment. I'm having difficulty doing 180's because I feel so guilty, but I know I need to get past that. We are seeing a marriage counselor who seems very good. I just hope my W wil stay longer than teh 3 sewssions we signed up for.
It was a gradual thing with a co-worker. Looking back we both were feeling more distant from our spouses. Not appreciated, the same thing for me only in reverse. I don't know what she wants yet. I'm not sure that she totally does, but I would guess she's leaning to D. She did ask me to go away with her and the kids for a few days, saying it doesn't mean anything. But lots of poison after counselor. I get it, I understand it. I'm a complete moron.
It's good that your W agreed to MC, although mine did too (she's WAW) and finally agreed after the third that she wasn't actually going to work on the M... just wanted to talk to a C with me...
So you feel guilty. I get that it's tough.
Is your W asking for space? Why did you move out? I'm guessing she is going to have a really hard time trusting you. What have you done or what has she asked you to do, regarding the OW?
There is not a good reason why I had the A. I would say that there were issues we did not resolve well as we reconciled. They are just excuses - not feeling appreciated or loved in a way that I would have liked. And being too afraid to talk about them with her. It is completely over, and was over beofre W found out, although like an idiot we kept in contatc to some degree. She insisted that I move out, and I ouiwld say it's probably for the best right now. Her anger is still high and emotions raw.
I'm sure she wil have a diffuicult time trusting me, as do I her. This wil be a key if we are able to move forward. She emialed me today that she was sorry for being so mean yesterday. I just said I understood and deserved the resentment.
There's a few on the board right now who had an A and are here to try to work on their M.
You are very likely making a great choice to back right off and let your W deal with the her feelings right now.
Right now, it's very important to look at some 180s that will SHOW your W that you are someone she can trusts and will never go down the path of A again. Because WORDS WILL NOT convince her.
I'm working on 180's. A big one for me is to be more proactive in taking care of things. She's always done a lot of things that I take for granted, e.g. bills. I definie=tely need to stop the ILU's... and not trying to engage in chit chat via text with her during the day. I gave her access to the bank account on-line. We share an account and she always said she diodnt have access. Not totally true, I gave her the log in a long time ago. I didn't say that, though. I'm always passive on things like dinner. When we go away with the kids I will be more proactive. And when we are gone I wont take my phone with me, or maybe I'll ask her to hold it in her purse...
I just said I understood and deserved the resentment.
Just a suggestion here - don't turn yourself into a whipping post or acting like a dog that just got yelled at. Acknowledge with 'yes, I understand. I will work on earning your trust and respect.'
When your W had an affair, how did you react and how did you treat her? What did you require of her to get your trust back?
It's somewhat unique for your sitch being each of you has had A's and you've been on both sides of trying to repair. When someone says put yourself in their shoes you really did! Sorry, bad joke.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Would you like to tell us what name you here two years ago? No biggie, I probably wouldn't remember anyway.
Do you have a Pastor or Priest who could give you spiritual guidance? The guilt will eat you alive if you don't know how to deal with what you've done.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ha, yes I've put her in my shoes, or mine in hers. I honesty can't remember my old name here. I would have used if I could have.
I didn't treat her well; she says she learned her vindictiveness from me. True enough. Had a fairly good visit at home tonight with the kids. Instead of taking them to do something fun like I usually do, I did all the laundry and cleaned the house. She actually texted me thanks.
