Can my relationship be saved?

[a girl]

Having a very hard time with the idea of having to spend time around H knowing that he's just spent the last two days violating our marriage vows with OW.

I know the therapist thinks it's best for S7. I just. I don't know how to be ok during it.

[~ kd ~]

Not sure where I read this tonight, girl...

Be strong in your convictions!

Yes, keep the road home paved and smooth... If that's what you want...

But if your convictions are strong regarding your H's affair, where's your boundaries and how do you intend to enforce them?

And at this time, I'm wondering if "cordial" is what you're really wanting to go for, at this time...

Not saying it should be otherwise... just asking...

[a girl]

I just think it's bad for S7 to see us being rude or disrespectful to each other.

I'm trying to keep my "treat him like a business partner" thing going. I just don't honestly think I can emotionally withstand another week of seeing him every day, especially now that he's met and .. *met* .. the other woman.

But for S7, I guess I can do anything if I have to.

For me, there's no anything while he's with her. If they end things, then perhaps we can begin things, but right now I'm just moving forward in the current reality I'm living.

[~ kd ~]

Girl, I left for exactly that reason. That I did not want my kids to see my W being rude and disrespectful to me, and vice versa as I am sure there were times that was true.

Personally, I think that it's best to stay in the same house as long as there is no violence or abuse. If there is, then a person MUST do what is safe.

As far as the kids go, I again am a believer that they deserve to know what's going on. I mean that in an age appropriate and parent/child way.

I asked my W to have "the conversation" with the kids. She just wouldn't. So I sat down with them (each at different occasions) and had talks with them about how things were changing as far as family was concerned.

'cause otherwise... they KNOW something is not "normal" or "right" and they have no real resources to help them understand... and if they have no reference, they have to "make up answers" in their head to make sense of it all...

There should be resources available on the web to help explain to a 7 yr old that there's problems in the family. If you can find something that works for you and just help your S7 put his thoughts and feelings into perspective...

Just my 2 cents...

[a girl]

We've been working with a family therapist to navigate this with S7. We're going to tell him together, tomorrow.

Our therapist thinks that in order to reduce confusion for S7, and also for my mental health, having H out of the house if he's conducting an affair is the right choice, and I agree. The past few days without him have been the least anxious in 2 months.

I can't predict how S7 will take it, and I want to take it at his pace. H wants to rush him through it because until S7 is "ok", H will feel guilty. Well, S7 is my priority right now - he needs at least 1 parent putting him first.

Anyway, all that is to say that if having H hanging around for another week is best for S7, and it doesn't seem to be killing me, I will do it.

I know S7 will eventually be ok - I just dread the next couple of weeks.

[Forrest Gump]

"Example:
H - "How's X thing at work you mentioned going?"
Me - "Oh, things are fine. Thanks for bringing S7 back - have a good night!"

H - "I'm thinking of taking S7 to do X thing during my time tomorrow ... "
Me - "Sounds like fun. See you then!"

H - "I've scheduled movers for X day - does that work for you?"
Me - "No worries on my end. See you then!"

Thoughts, suggestions, etc?"

These are all good. You understand the idea obviously. You can also keep in mind that you don't have to respond. Another thing that is important is that questions "control" a conversation. Basically you can turn the conversation by asking questions. Being cordial also does not mean that you have to respond with saying nice things.

"H - "I've scheduled movers for X day - does that work for you?"

You could have simply answered that with yes. There is no need to linger. You also kind of implied that you would be around by saying "See you then!".

Something I always tell people to do is to practice things on the "unsuspecting public". Make it a goal to make 1 random person that you do not know smile. Just someone you see out somewhere. You can start with 1 person a month.. then 1 person a week.. then 1 person a day. (Hopefully by now you are picking up on the theme of take things slowly?) You will be surprised at how much you take away from these interactions. Don't do it at work, or in the neighborhood.. get someone truly random.

The idea you are looking for here to start with your plan is that you prepare for the interactions. You know he is going to drop off S.. make sure you don't seem hurried to vacate.. even if you are. People can sense it.. and a natural reaction on their part is to try and get you to stay. It is in your body language and the tone of your voice. Again.. to me.. if you spent all day preparing for 10 mins.. you are going to move forward much faster. I know it is hard. The ideas I am writing about are to help you regain control of your actions. He is in control right now simply by doing "nothing". This is what I want to "see" you change. You are your own worst enemy right now. Not saying that to be mean.. I just want you to hear it so you can pay attention to it. I have been there to.

[Forrest Gump]

"But for S7, I guess I can do anything if I have to."

To play devils advocate some.. where does it say that you allowing your H to stay is the best course of action? Would you not be sending a great message that you are not going to tolerate destructive behavior on your H's part?

"Anyway, all that is to say that if having H hanging around for another week is best for S7, and it doesn't seem to be killing me, I will do it."

It is killing you thou. I can "see" it in your posts.

"I know S7 will eventually be ok - I just dread the next couple of weeks."

I have no doubt that your S will be fine. At there very least you have reached out and understand that you are not fully equipped to handle everything life is throwing at you. This is what ensures that your "family" will be whole again. You have heart.. don't loose that while you are going thru this!

[a girl]

Good points .. and if S7 seems to be handling it well, I'd like to have H not be here, because it really is so hard for me.

Off to pick him up in a short while - sort of dreading today, but it will be nice to have it over with, I guess, and start dealing with it instead of worrying about it.

[a girl]

Ok, off to see the H for the first time since he physically broke our marriage vows with the OW.

Per my DB coach, I'm not going to mention it (wasn't planning to), or let him mention it to me.

She didn't say not to run him over with my car, but I think it was implied ...

[Telemark]

"sort of dreading today, but it will be nice to have it over with, I guess, and start dealing with it instead of worrying about it."

How true, ag. I don't know if I read it on this site or elsewhere, but regarding worry (and I'm paraphrasing):

"Worry is useless energy. If you worry about something and it happens, you have let it occur within your head twice. If you worry about something and it doesn't happen, you have let it occur within your head for no reason."

I'm so sorry you have to deal with your H's A, but it sounds like you are handling it as well as you can. Focus on you and your S; regarding your H, it's his loss.