YAH You're right in that more tact was required on my part, that being said she's vegetarian so she never would have tasted the eggs lol. Just frustrated knowing she's on yet another low episode caused inadvertently by me.
1. We are human beings. It took me may years and many mistakes, to learn important things. Some I am still learning. We all need to improve ourselves and our skills (GAL). Sometimes my hindsight is better than my foresight, but I am human. Don't blame yourself.
2. Your wife needs to learn not to assume you want to criticize her. (Maybe you need to make sure she doesn't assume you criticize her through lots of careful repetition.)
3. Just like with most marriages there is joint responsibility for the problems. One party may do something that enables the other, or they may not have done something that could have prevented the problem. At any rate, the event was more your responsibility than it was hers. As H&W you both own the fight.
It is a roller coaster and things will likely get better. If it were me I would focus on GAL and making her feel loved so she can grow through her MLC. Good Luck, enjoy the good times.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Current mood: frustrated. We go from a ton of sex at once to nothing for over a week.
Need to keep telling myself not to be pushy, and to appreciate what I do have. Which I do. I am very lucky that we are back to cuddling, and hugging, and light kissing on the lips. It is all very nice. I am indeed very lucky, especially considering how other guys currently in piecing are doing.
Just frustrated I guess. Trying to count my blessings and making sure I don't ruin precious progress by asking for too much too aggressively.
Ok so W has a few too many drinks, while I being the DD had none. She is clearly in a better mood than I am, and starts pestering me all night of why am I not in a good mood.
She then kisses me passionately I try to make out back, and she pushes me away. Ok based on everything that has happened, NOW I'm not in a good mood. Either way I know it's pointless to argue with someone with a few too many, so I still try to let it slide. Still pestering me about why am I not "drunk happy" like she is. I finally snap and tell her in the gentlest way possible. I just feel frustrated because I have been wanting you for a week.
Her response: Why?! I gave you permission to go get a local girl. Why would you want me I'm worthless!
It then broke into a conversation where she kept demanding that I tell her the truth. She kept asking why would you want me when you can have a local girl?! I would give her a ton of reasons, none of which would be good enough. I could tell all she wanted to hear was that I wanted a local girl. Which is far from the truth. I LOVE my wife which is why I post here. Sigh... she just came back and threw some of my stuff around, I'll have to finish this later. W is throwing herself a gigantic pity party, and I'm just too angry to finish this post.
I vividly remember when the sex therapist told me that my 60-year old wife was acting like a rebellious teenager so that she could make me assume a "parent-like" role. I remember so many times that she tried to pick fights with me and how good I felt when I was able to just tell her that I wasn't interested in fighting with her, but would love to seriously talk to her.
Your MLC-wife may be just acting out to get some kind of reaction out of you. She (on one level) probably knows that you are frustrated with your marriage and she is afraid of opening herself up to the pain she will feel if the marriage ends, so she may try to remain distant. She may be testing you to see if she should commit to changing and maturing out of her MLC. Then again......
Next time this happens try saying something that focuses on the real underlying issues/fears. You might try a response like, "...rather than testing my faithfulness to you, why don't we talk about what you are really afraid of and how much I always have been committed to make this marriage work for the both of us? I really do want you, love you and want us to be happy, but I also need you to commit to trying make this marriage work."
Again, I am projecting my experiences on you and your wife and that may be wrong, as you know her and her situation best.
It might be easier for a marriage counselor to ask those kinds of questions.
Focus on your GAL, improve yourself, look first to yourself in meeting you happiness and needs. Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I had planned to do a blow by blow recap of the fight, but have decided instead to focus on the lessons I learned.
After much thinking, that terrible fight in which she threw stuff, and just raged, had nothing to do with me. Afterall the last thing I wanted was to fight. Instead I got baited into it, since she was trying to justify her insecurities. That night she kept asking if I wanted to have sex or leave her for a local girl. I tried every possible way to let her know that I only really want her. Every time she would call it a lie, and say how could you want me when they are so much better looking, and nicer etc etc. Then I'd try to reaffirm to her that she was the one I want. At this point she would just twist my words, to make it sound like I didn't want her.
This continued until she completely lost it, and threw stuff. She then was emotionally overwhelmed and had to cry it out. I picked her up laid her on the couch, got her a pillow, a blanket, and her favorite stuffed animal. The whole time she verbally resisted saying why was I doing all that when it was over. I told her that over or not I still loved her, and would take care of her until I was no longer her husband. She cried some more, I held her until she cell asleep. At this point I went to our room and tossed and turned all night.
The next morning the first thing she said was I'm sorry. She apologized a couple more times, and picked up the stuff she threw. I tried not to make a big deal, but I was still hurt. Since during the fight she asserted multiple times that she could never trust that I actually love her, and didn't believe that I did. The reason it hurt was because it felt that the last 6 months of DBing were for nothing. It also bothered me because I realized this was probably keeping us from getting more intimate.
She tried prodding it out of me throughout the day, until I finally told her I was not mad, but hurt for the reasons stated above. She claimed she didn't remember saying that. I told her she did. We tried not getting into a fight, and moved on.
If I sound like a dick, I apologize. This is truly meant to help you.
You ever see the family in a store. The toddler is throwing a fit, and the parents just try to sooth the child. "Sorry. Ok. I will by you the doll. What ever it takes"
That kid will always be a brat.
Why?
Because it works. Very simple.
You have said in so many words. "W. Do whatever you want. I will always be there for you regardless."
She will keep acting this way.
Why?
Because it works.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Do you feel the need to soothe her every time this happens? Maybe you can give her the space to soothe herself? Perhaps this is something she needs to learn to do?
I do find the whole local girl thing a little perplexing. Maybe I need to re-read your older threads.. but its seems like you are the one who wants to move towards monogamy?
She can't believe you love her - that is about her. Why does she think she is so unlovable? It is her issue and while I can understand your frustration, it is an issue she is going to have to come to terms with. In a real way, it is interfering with intimacy..
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Thanks for the quick responses guys, I actually do let her get it all out before I swoop in to help. I didn't mention that I actually left her alone for 30 mins and didn't say or do anything until she had calmed down.
Anyway the post got cut so here is the whole post in it's entirety. I had planned to do a blow by blow recap of the fight, but have decided instead to focus on the lessons I learned.
After much thinking, that terrible fight in which she threw stuff, and just raged, had nothing to do with me. Afterall the last thing I wanted was to fight. Instead I got baited into it, since she was trying to justify her insecurities. That night she kept asking if I wanted to have sex or leave her for a local girl. I tried every possible way to let her know that I only really want her. Every time she would call it a lie, and say how could you want me when they are so much better looking, and nicer etc etc. Then I'd try to reaffirm to her that she was the one I want. At this point she would just twist my words, to make it sound like I didn't want her.
This continued until she completely lost it, and threw stuff. She then was emotionally overwhelmed and had to cry it out. I picked her up laid her on the couch, got her a pillow, a blanket, and her favorite stuffed animal. The whole time she verbally resisted saying why was I doing all that when it was over. I told her that over or not I still loved her, and would take care of her until I was no longer her husband. She cried some more, I held her until she cell asleep. At this point I went to our room and tossed and turned all night.
The next morning the first thing she said was I'm sorry. She apologized a couple more times, and picked up the stuff she threw. I tried not to make a big deal, but I was still hurt. Since during the fight she asserted multiple times that she could never trust that I actually love her, and didn't believe that I did. The reason it hurt was because it felt that the last 6 months of DBing were for nothing. It also bothered me because I realized this was probably keeping us from getting more intimate.
She tried prodding it out of me throughout the day, until I finally told her I was not mad, but hurt for the reasons stated above. She claimed she didn't remember saying that. I told her she did. We tried not getting into a fight, and moved on.
Later that day yesterday we were at home both being very touchy. I picked her up and carried her to our bed. (she let herself get taken) and tried to initiate. Each time I would she would either change the subject or comment on how ugly or fat she thinks she is. (just to remind everyone she is a 00 Jean size).
Eventually she said she wasn't turned on, she let me touch her and caress her, and even let my hands wonder a little, but would then pull them away, and change the subject, or make derogatory comments about herself. I get the impression, that she may have been close a couple of times, but would consciously or subconsciously shut down. We the talked about her turn ons, which she mentioned women again, and when it comes to guys she said she was only turned on by her favorite singer. I asked what was it that did it? His physique, face, hair, fame? She finally said it was his voice.
I asked her if I should be concerned since she has tickets for his show, and has hung out with the guitarist, and drummer from the band. She laughed and said there was no way it would happen, since the singer himself is ridiculously reclusive, and antisocial. Oh and she also mentioned she was too ugly and fat to have a chance. Far from the truth.
We also talked about how girls keep backing out on her, I'm sure this is weighing heavily on her mind. I was a little frustrated, but we cuddled, and she fell asleep in my arms.
This morning I wanted to read PM for about 15 mins before work. She then said, not this again. I asked what the problem was, she told me she didn't believe in self help books, or therapy, and that it would just lead to me wanting to "talk about it" which would lead to a fight. I then asked what she would like to do. She said she didn't know, but did not want to do that. She said she felt like it always turned into a fight where we each tried to be right no matter what. I was surprised to hear her say this, yet at the same time started to understand why we never got anywhere, she sees this as a contest of wills. I wonder if she refuses sex to assert control over herself and the R.
I then tried telling her, that I did not want for us to be in a sexless marriage. I must have done something right, because the statement didn't anger her. Instead we agreed to try to find the proper time and place to sit down and discuss this. I hope it's not more stalling. I then left for work.
I'm wondering what to do, give her more love and affection in order to gain her trust so she allows herself to be "vulnerable" with me? Separate more in order to break emotional fusion? Wish she was willing to read PM as a lot would benefit her.
Once again, everything is great and sex is causing all the issues.
