I think its normal to have these thoughts and it makes sense you would fear those things, but that you don't have to let them define you. Do you feel like you need to defend yourself from it? If you stop fearing it, what will happen? 16 years won't go by in a blink and things will change. That much is always certain.. things change and never seem to be exactly what you wanted or feared. What happens if you just let go of fighting it, accept it, breathe into it, and see if it doesn't change?
In my epic R talk w/ WAW today, I spent a fair amount of time just breathing, listening, and trying to understand what she is feeling. It doesn't mean nothing hurts, but the pain is of a different quality.. its cleaner. Whats more, I can be who I want to be and want who I want in the face of it.
I think that digging into that feeling is scary, because we don't know what will come of it (we don't really know in the first place) but if we let ourselves just be present and not let it turn us into some version of ourselves we don't want to be, there might be something else there. Something to learn, something to understand, something that exists inside that fear. Sometimes that fear becomes something else - something a little less scary. At its best, that fear turns into a kind of compassion and sense of togetherness.
At its worst, it turns us into the kind of people we never want to be.
Wow. Geez. Thanks for this. Because I took a turn tonight (just a few hours ago) this is really resonating with me right now.
I had the worst day and raged all day in the ugliest way. I knew how I looked to BF and I don't want to be that person - to him, to my mom on the phone, in front of my D. Geez.
I feel like I really want to stay where I'm residing at the moment, but it's tough. Things will push my buttons. I'll get tired and worn out and fear again.
But, I have a good hearty glimpse right now at it and it's wild wonderful and amazing - so freeing. It's how you get to joy, I imagine, rather than just bouncing between fear, desperation, and rage.
Anyway - don't mean to hijack again, but thanks for this response.
