OK, I'll try to be short and concise with my conversation with my W over pre-mediation discussions:
+ basically, as far as my W is concerned, I left her... all the 10 years we have been M...
+ my W said she would wait forever (no dissolution or D), that she was OK with that... This was in regards to me indicating that the only reason I was willing to wait would be to see if she might, one day change her mind...
+ I indicated that the separation period would be with my not seeing anyone and that I would expect that to be mutually agreed upon and my W was silent on that.
+ I indicated that I WOULD NOT see anyone unless we were not M, to which my W indicated she felt right now that we were not M.
+ I indicated that I expect to move closer to the kids in the fall so that we can split custody and my W indicated that was NOT going to happen (ie. splitting weeks with the kids)
+ My W indicate she had no money, that she's been cashing out her investments... yes, this is something that is worrying... will be dealt with in petition...
+ my W stated that she had already worked through the cash settlement with the banker and expected me to sign off on it without due diligence
+ nothing important, but I almost laughed at this one. My W asked about whether I expected 1/2 of the RV, because she never wanted it and she paid out the amount in payments to her mom's husband so suggesting I was not entitled to it... it's laughable to me, because I originally said to my W that an RV is an expensive investment and I wasn't sure, but I would be OK with it if she wanted it... it was an offer from her mom and mom's H to her, my W knew at the time that I would not be financially able to support the purchase...
+ at one point, my W stated that I should have had a pre-nup, then I think said maybe she should have had one. This revolved around how money was a primary motivator in her life and in the M... that she had "warned" me about that, even before we M.
+ stated in the form of a slight threat, my W suggested that if we go the L route, that I am likely to be... disappointed with the results...
The R talk revolved around me being OK with moving on. That I am comfortable with it. That's where the "waiting" came up, that I would wait if we did not see others. I had no expectations around that. I did know that she would not agree to that. OK, I did have the expectation that she would not be agreeing to being "celibate" during any future separation... Got lucky on that guess...
The bottom line is, I'm OK with getting this over with.
I will do everything I can to learn and grow, become a better person, from my past and through the D.
I believe in M and I believe in the vows and I believe in the family unit.
I am prepared to be put on the firing line that my vows were only stated so long as the fit my "unless" rules.
I am prepared to be accused of not doing everything I can to save the M.
I am prepared to be accused of not being introspective and fixing ME in order to become a better man and hopefully save my M.
I am prepared for the consequences, of other's opinions and judgments, and all else that may come my way because of this.
I simply see no resolve to this. Not now, not in limbo, not in separation, not in "hurry up and wait", not in 2 years, not in 5, not in D...
This is not a situation of me believing I have to be right. Nor in me thinking that I'm OK and don't need to become a better person.
Of all I know, I am ok... I made mistakes... I am fairly comfortable that I am once again the man that I was when we "fell" in love and I am absolutely confident that I will continue to grow and become a better me... there's lots of growth that I can focus on...
But I cannot be truly open to love again, until I am M. I cannot even entertain the idea in any great amount, until I am D. Because that's what I believe in.
I do feel I could appear to be justifying and it is possible that I might be coming across as being "righteous"...
Maybe my W is stubborn... maybe I'm stubborn... I can honestly say that if my W changed her mind some time in the future, I would be open to the possibility if I have not entered into some new R. But I don't see that happening...
And I'm prepared to be one of the statistics of re-M my X... but I don't see that happening, either... *shrug*
