WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

I love Pema Chodron. Which book are you reading?

When Things Fall Apart.

I need to work on this fear stuff.

I think its normal to have these thoughts and it makes sense you would fear those things, but that you don't have to let them define you. Do you feel like you need to defend yourself from it? If you stop fearing it, what will happen? 16 years won't go by in a blink and things will change. That much is always certain.. things change and never seem to be exactly what you wanted or feared. What happens if you just let go of fighting it, accept it, breathe into it, and see if it doesn't change?

In my epic R talk w/ WAW today, I spent a fair amount of time just breathing, listening, and trying to understand what she is feeling. It doesn't mean nothing hurts, but the pain is of a different quality.. its cleaner. Whats more, I can be who I want to be and want who I want in the face of it.

I think that digging into that feeling is scary, because we don't know what will come of it (we don't really know in the first place) but if we let ourselves just be present and not let it turn us into some version of ourselves we don't want to be, there might be something else there. Something to learn, something to understand, something that exists inside that fear. Sometimes that fear becomes something else - something a little less scary. At its best, that fear turns into a kind of compassion and sense of togetherness.

At its worst, it turns us into the kind of people we never want to be.